Wish List

Deborah asked me what I want for my birthday and in truth I'm not sure, but I have got a wishlist so if anyone's interested... it's now in the links bit

Z x

ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

Sometimes I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall. I wonder why I bother trying to explain something to people and providing good solid information to them when they can't even be bothered to click a link, instead preferring to run around like headless chooks.

Why let common sense get in the way of a good panic?

Grrrr.

I feel better now.

8 things about me

This has been going around blogs for a while but Rosamundi tagged the readers of hers so I thought I'd give it a try. There are some things that people might know, but other things, maybe not. I've tried to avoid stuff I witter on about here.

1. I hate DIY stores. They do my head in. I'm ok for the 15 minutes it takes to look at the homeware stuff, the paint charts and the kitchens and then I lose my will to live.

2. I have had a crush on David Essex for as long as I can remember. This drives Matt nuts, but given his age I'm not going to run off with him anytime soon. Plus I have a bigger crush on my husband (ahhhh).

3. When at dance school I nearly got arrested for dancing in the streets a la fame. We were protesting about the freezing of student grants. We protested a lot in those days. I also know more people than I'd like to admit who have been arrested (and aquitted) for some quite serious things.

4. I am a life long Labour supporter (blame my liberal, reactionary, middle-class leftie parents for taking me canvassing as a child) and have strayed since Tony Blair got in. I think I'd be stuck by lightening if I voted Tory though. I certainly couldn't live with the guilt.

5. I hate John Howard (Australia's PM) more than I hate Blair and Bush. He'd have to be out of power before I consider going back for anything more than a holiday.

6. I can bite my toenails (but I don't)

7. I have a weakness for musicals and any saturday night show that incorporates sequins, dancing or show tunes.

8. I love books. That can be blamed on my parents (see above) giving me a book allowance as well as pocket money.

A busy bee

This week I have almost a whole week at home which I think is pretty the first time since I stopped work. So much for being a lazy housewife.

I've been doing more campaigning stuff which has been fun and took me to a breakfast meeting at the House of Commons which was great and unexpectedly put my faith back in the Labour Party (further assisted by Tony resigning, Hurrah!). I do wish we could vote by person and not locally sometimes. Especially as our local branch of the Labour party is split over a new development (which we are opposing) and it's handbags at dawn.

My course started on Sunday - an intro to anatomy which was 9-5 and very well presented (not too medical and boring) but it made my brain hurt. I was bearly able to function afterwards. I think it's the first full day of anything I've done for ages! Now I have revision to do for the next installment! Oh joy.

I've also bitten the bullet and gone on a diet - not a faddy one, but a sensible one that monitors your food intake and exercise and stuff. HRT may be good but it really piles on the pounds and I want to hit 40 on the way to being fabulous again.

Tarot

I was reading a friend's blog and discovered this tarot card test. It's a nice distraction from other stuff:

What Tarot Card are You?

Take the Test to Find Out.

You are The Empress

Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.

The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents, beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.

The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

I want to scream

Recently I asked people to pray for my friend Kayla who is very sick and has been in and out of hospital since I met her when my treatment was starting. I'd met her through Hystersisters and we bumped into each other at the Marsden - I was recognised by the handbag I was carrying. And she's the one who introduced me to Jo's.

Throughout this time it's her strength that has been an inspiration to me. Sadly, her husband recently posted on Jo's and they have been told that there is no more they can do for Kayla. She's been moved in to a hospice ward. She has a lovely husband, three children and is around the same age as me.

Z x

Calm

All the excitement of last week has died down and things are a lot calmer which in some ways is good, because I can get on with other things, like pottering in the garden (not overdoing it) and pottering at home, and phoning my contact at the local paper about the council's dodgy dealings with the development they want to build locally and stuff.

My hard work in the garden has paid off because it's looking lovely - my sweetpeas are growing and the peonies have buds and I still have more flowers to plant. I love spring!

Our tiny little greenhouse is a flurry of activity with seeds propogating all over the place - and of course I over planted so we're going to have more veggies than space. Although I have managed to negotiate a small veggie patch near the shed. So far I have cucumbers, onions, two varieties of tomatoes and pumpkins on the way and I'm waiting for aubergines, sweet peppers and chilies. We experienmented last year with a lot of these in pots and had amazing results - one of the good things to come out of global warming.

I've also planted some herb seeds in the window boxes in the front garden, which gets lots of sun, so hopefully we'll have a little herb garden.

The other thing is....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PIP!!!!!
Love you lots and lots xxxx

Z x

Panic over...

Just to let you know that my check went fine, despite being very very nervous. Anyway - the appointment went really well, so much so that the doc got a bit over excited and said that I should start coming every 6 months instead of 3. He then back tracked so I DO have to go back in 3 months but then it will probably move to 6. Am very pleased - apparently I'm exceeding all expectation!

Also last Thursday there was a flurry of activity due to the new study that says there's a risk of ovarian cancer when women take HRT.

Firstly I was driven to the News 24 studios in Westminster (the ones where they say "and now live from Westminster, Tony Blair" and you see a head and a shot of parliment). Was a very surreal experience as was in a box like a photo booth talking to a camera and a disembodied voice in another part of London! I'd got home, got changed and was eating lunch, when I then got a call that ANOTHER news programme wanted to speak to me so I was just on the early evening ITN news bulletin!! It's been fun and tiring. There's a lot in the press about it but more info is here http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/6567847.stm

For the record, I was talking in favour of HRT, and for me the benefits outweighing the risks right now. If you want a laugh, here's one of the reports I was in! http://itn.co.uk/tags/hrt.html

The weather here has been amazing and we had our first bbq of the year on the weekend which was lovely. Deborah came over and sat in the garden with her knitting and I planted the window boxes (or rather put seeds in) and played with my food processor and made lovely salmon burgers.

On not so good news, I have a friend from Jo's Trust and Hystersisters who I met when was having treatment at the Marsden. She was having treatment for a recocurrence and it was very radical surgery - anyway she's been really fighting for the last year, but has had many problems. She's very very sick right now and I find it really hard - it reminds me how awful this disease is and how is can come back. Please send prayers and thoughts across to the Marsden for her and her family - she's a fighter but it's a very hard fight. It's especially hard as while she's not the first person I've come across that has had issues she's my first friend from the forums that became a real life friend. She's a very special woman.

Thanks

Z x

Overdrive

I have my checkup today - it's a year since my first post treatment checkup and it's very nervewracking. I'm sure I'll be ok, but that doesn't stop the nerves and the over thinking. My brain is on over drive. This has meant I'm on over drive too - have been manically gardening over the last couple of days. It's been nice as the weather has been good and it's lovely to see the results but of course I end up collapsing in a heap because I overdo it and then get really fatigued.

An Amazon order arrived yesterday. In it was a book called Cancer Vixen. One of my lovely godmothers saw an excerpt in the Melbourne Age and sent it to me. I laughed and cried and bought the book. It's a true story about a 43 year old New Yorker who is about to get married for the first time and is dignosed with breast cancer. It's all written in cartoon format (she's a cartoonist of course) and is hilarious, sad and everything else. It's exactly right. Well worth the read.

Ok, I have to stop procrastinating and get organised to go to Pilates and the hospital.

Z x

A right? Or a privilege?

So Natallie Evans has lost her appeal to use the embryos that she and her ex partner created when she was going through cancer treatment. This story has been one that triggers mixed emotions for me, not least because it was making headlines last year just after we'd made the decision not to try freezing embryos.

It's not that I didn't want to become a mother, because it's what I've wanted for most of my life, but it was because the odds were so against us and the mental and physical toll on us was going to be too much, especially just before treatment. I still find it very hard to deal with - most days I'm fine, but I still have times where it's a hard thing to realise that you'll never have children that look like you.

But parenthood is more than just genetics and I think that should never be forgotten. It's a commitment. I feel for the ex partner who did not want to be forced to be a parent - and most particularly it was evident to me that he did not want to have children with her. It's a very harsh decision, but at the same time, he SHOULD have a say. Natallie said it's her right to have children - but it's not. Having children is a privilege and one that we take for granted to much I think. It's hardest for me when I see women who use their fertility as a statement - that don't think of the child and their life. Or those who take things for granted. I wish more women would see how lucky they are to have that chance, that they are blessed and have been granted a huge responsibility.

We may still adopt when we can. It's a scary prospect because of the responsibility that comes with it - but I think it would be a wonderful thing to give love and hope and opportunity to someone who needs it so much.

On the one hand, I understand that feeling of utter despair and grief that Natallie feels, but you can't be selfish about parenthood. To do that you're missing the point - in the end it's not about YOU, it's about creating a person and all that comes with it. I hope that Natallie can see that if she wants to be a parent she still has time. I suspect though that her need to have her own child has blinded her to other options.

I hope everyone had a good Easter/Passover/Spring celebration. We had Matt's parents and sister here and had a lovely weekend - lots of eating, and more eating and chocolate and fun activities like the London Eye, and boat trips on the river and seeing Spamalot. And friendly competition over various sporting events.

It's been interesting over the last few weeks - I sent a campaigning letter for Jo's Trust off to some of our local press and MP's (both British and European reps) and it's been interesting to see the response I got. There's not been ANY response from Edward Davey, our local MP which I think is really poor. I know the guy is busy, but surely he has help in handling mail? It would be nice to get some acknowledgement. Most of our MEPs have been pretty useless too - I'd like to name and shame Robert Evans in particular.

BUT - a couple have been great. I quote:

Thank you very much for writing to me about the need for the Government to tackle the causes and incidence of cervical cancer. I have written to the Department of Health about this issue and will let you know when I hear from them. I hope, in the meantime, that you have also written to your Westminster Member of Parliament.

Best wishes John Bowis MEP

And

Thank you for your email addressed to Mary Honeyball on the subject of cervical screening and the new HPV vaccine. As a member of the European Parliament's Cervical Cancer Intergroup, Mary takes a keen interest in this issue and notes your concerns. She too has been very worried about reports that the number of women attending for screening is falling and she would like me to reassure you that she continues support efforts to increase this and is pushing for the early introduction of the vaccine.
Kind regards
Helen Hegarty
Assistant to
Mary Honeyball MEP

Plus our local freebie newspaper, The Kingston Informer, has been very supportive. :)

This time last year I'd just finished treatment and Col was here. This time I'm starting afresh. I still get very tired - just about everyone I know who has had the same treatment says the same - but at least this time the chemicals are not in my body and I'm able to exercise.

This month I start my Pilates instructors course - I have a few weekends of Anatomy for the next months and then in July I start my training proper. I'm so enjoying my sessions with Lisa, as well as my home workouts and am very excited to be embarking on this. It's scary to think that I'll be running my own business and seeking clients soon, but I'm sure it will work out. Lisa says that she thinks I'll be good at it - the dance training from years ago helps, but also my experiences of surgery and so on help me understand what other people go through from a rehab point of view, which puts me into a different category to the gym bunnies. I've not lost any weight, but can feel myself toning up and getting much stronger. I always feel so confident and good about myself after working out.

Hope the sun's shining wherever you are.

Z x

Image change

I'm starting to get used to having my picture taken now, though I hate it. I had some shots taken for the Jo's Trust PR people and I actually quite like them and thought it was about time that I changed my profile picture!

Yes, I now have brown hair for the first time ever. I'd been my natural colour for a while so thought it was about time I had a change!

Z xx

Highs and lows

Where has the time gone? It's february already and we've had a warm January, with snow for the first time in years (go figure) and more snow forecast for tomorrow. The last few weeks have been on a bit of a roller coaster - trying to leave work, which has happened though the apron strings are not quite cut and finding that I'm busier than ever.

Funnily enough I'm enjoying being at home. Someone asked me what I do. I don't know exactly but it seems that I'm running around - spring cleaning, and doing jobs that have been put to one side for ages. I'm seeing the house afresh and wanting to change things. And panning our trip to the US and just stuff really.

I've been to the House of Commons to lobby for the Cervical Cancer vaccine and am getting more involved with Jo's Trust and other charities - and in fact appeared on TV last week, being interviewed about my experiences with cervical cancer and the importance of smears. I really really enjoyed the experience and from the feedback I got, was quite good at it, so I may be doing more media work.

I've also started doing pilates sessions with Lisa and am investigating courses to train as an instructor - it's all very exciting and daunting and scary and very expensive so am formulating a plan.

And in the middle of all this excitement, Gaffa died - he's Joss's father so technically not a relation, but as close to a grandfather as I've had for many years and just an amazing man. He'll be much missed as he was such an integral part of the extended family and dealt with everything with such humour and dignity. He was 94 years young.

I am going to write more about India but in the meantime here's a picture of me that Jayne took in Mumbai - I don't like pictures of me at the moment, but this one is one that I like.

Chapter 3: Ayerveda - mind body and soul

Sorry about the gaps between posts - work and Christmas sort of got in the way! I hope everyone had a good restful time, or if not restful, fun!

Back to the retreat where was a pretty set programme - you are examined by the ayurvedic doctor who looks at your tongue and asks about your symptoms and assesses your body type. Ayurveda is based on three body types - kapha, pitta, and vata.

I'm Kapha Vata - this is worked out by your physical make up, but also personality takes a big part of it. I have a kapha inbalance which meant that I'd put on weight and was lethergic and also had mucus overproduction - this was all spot on in terms of symptoms I was having and how I was feeling. Because of my cancer treatment I was not treated in the way they would normally treat this - instead I was under orders of no weight loss, gentle yoga and lots of relaxing treatments.

It is a very complex philosophy ayurvedic doctors train as long as western doctors and often in India combine the training - they are also not dismissive of western medicine, so they don't treat cancer for example but instead try and prevent it or rebalance the body after conventional treatment. We were never told what was in the medicines exactly - just that they were a mixture of herbs specifically formulated for each person. They all had varying degrees of yukkiness, from ick, to omigodthatwasdisgusting!

The yoga was wonderful - mainly astanga, but different to what you get here - much more spiritual (hindu) with lots of prayers in sanskrit. (Left, our wonderful yoga teacher Ganesh with Jayne).



After that we had monkey feeding (see below right!) and breakfast and then the day proper started - we had our treatments. The first couple of days were massage which is done with lots of oil and two therapists (all of the treatments are). Then for

a few more days it was an oil bath where warm oil (a base of sesame oil with herbs) is dripped over you and rubbed in to your skin. Then for most people (not me) there's a steam bath and the day after that is purgation (or purgatory as we nicknamed it) which involves drinking medicated ghee and staying by a loo! I didn't do this as my body self purgates and in fact did so towards the end of the stay - which was part of the healing process.Then there's dhara which is oil slowly running onto the forehead, which is incredibly relaxing - it's hard to describe as each person's experience was different, but for me I found myself having vivid thoughts and actually wrote a poem as a result!

After treatment we rested and then had lunch. The afternoon was more resting (some of the treatments were quite exhasting in a way and after dhara you're not supposed to be stimualted), or yoga or trips to town etc. At 5.30 we had an hour of mediation.

We found that there was a lot of time for thought and reflection and in fact this was very useful to me - meeting so many wonderful people (more of them later!) in such an intense environment (intense in a good way) meant that we could share stories. In that time I realised that I am not coping with work and the negatitivity from some aspects of it. I love the company but not the job and it's not what I want to do. It's a bit of cliche, having a moment of clarity in India, but I think that it's a place that makes you realise what choices we have. And that karma does exist and it does happen. This out of focus dahlia is what I was looking at when I had my moment!

Wishing everyone a very happy and healthy New Year.


Om Shanti

India. Chapter 2. Walking in the clouds

Picture 1. Clouds over the retreat

The retreat is around 2000m in the Nilgris (Blue Mountains). Small round cottages are tucked into the side of the hill surrounded by tea plants.

The weather constantly changes - clouts roll past, either engulfing us in damp air or rain or revealing blue skies and hot strong sunshine. It was hard to know what to wear - you were either too hot or too cold!

Our room (the bottom left in the picture) had a view across to the south east and over the valley - as well as to the yoga hall. This was useful as we could see when people were walking up and so we could make a dash and get a good spot before class.

Picture 2. Our cottage

In the mornings we welcomed the day at 6.30 with yoga. This was preceeded by the medicine man who delivered foul tasting potions with a winning smile. Yoga was a magincal experience - doing sun salutations and then sitting palms up as the sun floods into the room and into your hands. Even the torturous poses that we did did not seem that bad and we took it all with good humour and the occasional giggle as we were told to "inhayeeee" and "exhayeee" or to do the "gangeroo pose" and to "feel the benefit".

Picture 3. Medicine Man

Chapter 2, II - Tea

The tea is real tea - that is, rather than being ornamental, its tips are harvested and sent to a local tea factory where it is dried and fermented to make the black tea we're used to.

Picture 4 Lady picking tea

India - chapter 1, the journey.

Well I'm back and I have to say that I had amazing time. I loved India more than I ever thought I would. It's chaotic, and dirty and noisy, but it's also vibrant, friendly, funny and unexpected.

So I'll write bits and pieces when I can about my experiences. There's much to say so bear with me. Now, are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin.

Our journey was eventful to say the least. From the stresses of getting to Heathrow in rush hour on a Friday night to a check-in with a broken luggage belt, to security checks, to getting lost in Terminal 3 (don't ask) and having to go through security again to only just making the plane, whish was delayed any way... then being late to land in Mumbai and missing our connecting flight!! A very quick lesson in learning to go with the flow - essential practice in India!!!

Eventually a new flight booked and a madcap taxi ride through Mumbai to a part of town called Colaba, where we went to a hotel that J&J had sated in before - clean, basic and cool. And very very welcome.

Mumbai is a fear of sound and colour, almost too much to focus on. The traffic is fast and furious, there seem to be few rules excpet to stick to the left. Otherwise it's point and go. And hoot. A lot.

Every surface is covered with posters and flowers. Buildings crumble behind. There are people everywhere - drinking tea, selling fruit or shirts, or souvenirs, or tailoring on the street with old sewing machines, and of course begging.

"Please mama, bebe, mumma, eat mumma" It's relentless. There is evidence of ppverty everywhere. There's no disabled rights or benefits or care for the elderly on the streets. As the middle classes grow more powerful so does the divide between them and the poor. This is not a shock to me, as I have similar images imprinted on my brain from our time in Brazil, but nevertheless it's a reminder of how much we have in the west.

We ventured out, seeing the Taj at dusk and even more people gathering around it - peple selling balloons. kulfi, anything and everything.

Walking past shops is a bit like being in Brick Lane - every trader wants you to come and look - it's easier to say "later" than no, upon which you're handed a business card.

That evening we went to Indigo which is a popular and trendy Bombay restaurant - not traditional Indian but western (French/Italian) dishes with Indian spice. A risotto to die for.

The next day our travels resumed and this time our flight was undramatic. We arrived in Combiatore where we were met by Krishna the driver and fellow guest Anisa. It was a two hour journey where we saw another side of India - lush green plantations interspersed with colourful villages, which unlike here are not sleepy hideyholes but vibrant busy places.

More Indian driving - lots of honking and overtaking and weaving around people. goats, donkeys, chickens, dogs and the ubiquitous sacred cow.

We stopped for coconut water drunk from the shell and then this was broken and the tender flesh eaten. As we drove we shared stories of family and looked at pictures. As it grew darker we climbed higher into the mountains and the road became more and more bumpy.

More dodging of people and animals and other vehicles, waterfalls cascading down the side of the hills. Eventually it was dark and you could hear the water and soon we had arrived at the retreat.

Baby, you are born to run!!

He did it! In a very respectable time of 1:34:48 - and here are the pictures to prove it!

Emma followed five minutes later and they both did so well given the weather was so awful. It was a torrential downpour for the entire duration of the race. Despite that the support team kept it's spirits up, assisted by the obligitary bacon sandwich.

Thanks for all the sponsorship - it means a lot!

Z xx

Anniversaries and adventures

It has been ages since I last posted, for which I apologise! In September we celebrated our wedding anniversary, which was wonderful - we went to a lovely spa hotel thanks to some friends of mine and were pampered and rested. We also were able to catch up with Ann and Jon who made a flying visit. It was all too brief, but great to see them and compare notes.

I also had my 6 month check up which was good - again no sign of a recurrance. It's funny though because those checkups sort of remind me that there COULD be a recurrance so it's a bitter sweet time. Oh for the day that I'm told I'm in remission!

I have also changed my HRT. Menopause is not easy for me - actually I'm having a rubbish time. My HRT caused massive weight gain and also problems with my joints - so I'm a bit like a little old lady with a type of arthritis in my hands and feet. Not to mention the mood swings. Have been on this new HRT for a few weeks now so hopefully it will kick in.

In November Jayne and I are going to India to a retreat (aka yoga boot camp) which looks wonderful but hard work! I am very excited as it's my first trip to India and well be at the retreat for 2 weeks and then a couple of days in Bombay. It will be good to spend time with Jayne and see India with her, although I think we both will welcome the meditation at times!! ;o)

My lovely husband made the mistake of mentioning how he was inspired by Natalia's marathon and so was challenged to do the Great South Run. He's doing 10 miles raising money for the Royal Marsden. His sister Emma is also running, as are Chris and HIS sister Vicky, so there's quite a bit of competitive spirit! So please sponsor him as we're both so grateful for the wonderful treatment that the Marsden has given me. It will help him see that all the hard work and early mornings were worth it!!

Love

Z x

In black and white

So I hadn't actually heard it or believed it, though I had been told that they removed the tumor - after all my radio and chemo was for my margins so there was nothing to measure.But I recently requested a letter because we're going to a spa for our wedding anniversary and they wanted a letter from my doctor to tell them that massage was ok.And there it is in writing...

NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE

Wow. :o)

Z xxx

PS have made an appointment to see nice gynae consultant about my HRT at the end of the month. Mood is also helped by therapist. Shrinkage is good