Monday, October 17, 2005

Not much more to add at this point in time - as Zoë’s already said, we're unlikely to have any significant news for a while...

So in the meantime, how about one of the better honeymoon snaps - that is to say one where I'm not blinking, squinting, sneering or generally making a really stupid face.

This picture was taken almost exactly a month ago today at Uluru (formerly known as Ayers Rock).

Halfway through the honeymoon, this was our little piece of luxury - and very special it was too.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

I listened to a wonderful piece on Radio 4 this morning by Frank Gardner, the reporter who lost his legs. He did a report on people who had survived the 7/7 bombings and their experiences then and after, and dealing with the injuries that they have suffered.

In many ways I realise how lucky I am - my cancer has not come from trauma and I don't have flash backs or bad memories linked to it. It's something that's happened not by something I've done or even someone else. It's no one's fault. So who can I be angry with? It's just something that's happened.

The hard thing is though, that although I'm not losing a limb nor will have facial disfiguration, I am losing part of my body. Cancer and the things it does is not visible. When you sit on the tube you look the same as everyone else. In someways it's reassuring to be treated the same, but at other times, when someone is rude or you have to stand even though you're so tired. I look at people differently now. I wonder what is going on under their skin. What I'm going to lose is part of my identity as a woman. Oddly enough it's more part of my identity than changing my name.

I'm getting used to being called Mrs Ruddock now. And I like it. It's not losing my identity but reinforces it. Chris and Charlotte are Team Davis and Matt and I are now Team Ruddock, with a Sanderson-Ruddock backup team!

I said to someone recently that I'm grateful for being in this country. A comment had been made about how all our rescources are going towards helping people overseas when the NHS is suffering. I said, thank god I don't have to worry about paying for my treatment - let alone where the next meal is coming from.

It's a mantra that I keep repeating to myself - that despite everything I'm very lucky. I probably sound like a Pollyanna. But I need to try and stay postitive and count my blessings because it's so easy to feel angry and negative about everything. Many people have said how strong I am and perhaps I am, but it's not easy and I don't want to fail them.