Saturday, October 15, 2005

I obviously didn't get enough attention as a bride. That seems to be the only explanation for all this crap. So my body must be shouting "me, me, me! Over here!"

Am tired and nauseous today - my arms are like pin cushions and my tummy is sore. Yesterday was a big day. Lots of tests and investigations. Luckily most was under general anesthetic because none were dignified. I've learnt quickly that there's no dignity in getting cancer - it doesn't matter what part of the body it's on. The worst bit I was conscious for was the enema.

The day before I'd amused myself by doing a google on the word. Oh my, there are some interesting fetish sites out there. How ANYONE can find sitting on the loo for half-an-hour sexy is beyond me. (please don't tell me any more I don't want to know). Actually the whole colonic irrigation thing is beyond me too now.

The MRI wasn't too bad though I did wonder how large people don't get stuck. The tunnel is quite small. I pretended I was on a sunbed and did relaxation breathing and listened to my CD and was groggy anyway.

We may not hear for a couple of weeks as the surgeon is away and they have to get results on everything anyway. They did not rule out the fertility saving surgery any way after the intial findings so it's slightly positive. But the waiting is the worst part... tick, tick, tick.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

I’m not as adept as Zoë when it comes to the written word, but I feel it’s time I said a few words and contributed to her wonderful Blog!

It’s difficult knowing what to say about something like this - and it’s even harder having to tell so many close family and friends that someone you and they love so dearly is going through this right now.

How can our “Perfect Day” wedding and fantastic honeymoon be followed by such devastating news so soon after we return?

Obviously it’s almost impossible to convey all our thoughts and feelings here, but it’s a remarkably convenient way of keeping in touch rather than emailing, telephoning or visiting everyone en masse - none of which are practical.

The next few weeks/months are undoubtedly going to be tough on us both - and not just the two of us but many others too.

Right now though, the hardest thing for me - and probably Zoë too - is that we simply do not know precisely what we are dealing with. It’s an almost unbelievably frustrating situation to be in, especially as there is an inevitable tendency to react with ignorance rather than act on (as yet undiscovered) wisdom.

Roll on Friday – here’s hoping for some more positive news then - or very soon after!

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

So I wonder what the odds are of my friend Ann and I having cancer in the same year? Ok we have different forms but it's strange. She said that she wonders what they fed us in Brazil.

She's one of my oldest friends - we lived in Brazil when we were 8 and have been friends ever since sharing a lot of life experiences. Even having parents seperate at the the same time. I wasn't figuring on supporting her this much though. But her words have been so helpful and she's made me laugh.

Yesterday it felt better to be at the Royal Marsden and feel like we're making progress. I had basic tests yesterday and will have more on Friday - one under a general anaesthetic and a MRI. Radiotherapy and chemo are unlikely given the area of the cancer - they avoid that with younger women - but there will be surgery. The team were wonderful - I think it shocked them that I'd had no symptoms and that I'm so newly married. They are hoping as much as we are that the cancer is small enough that the surgery I need is not too radical. Thinking about the possibility having a hysterectomy is mind boggling. I cried when talking to them.

MacDonalds for lunch yesterday for the first time in years - well hey, it's not going to give me cancer!

Last night I heard that Elk had died. That is so sad. He was one of the original people from that entertained me and became a virtual friend. There's another star in the sky where there are some good people - Four*dave, jboa and Patti's earthangel. It has been a sucky sucky week.

I know there will be more tears and possibly some difficult decisions to make, but I'm strengthened by Matt and all of you reading this.

At the risk of sounding too sappy and American (apologies to my stateside friends), I remember how lucky I am as messages of love and goodwishes flood in from all corners of the world. If good vibes heal then I'm better already and I'm sure that it all helps - emotionally if not physically.

At our wedding Col talked about how I have DNA from strong Aussie women behind me. I can't let them down! :o)

Monday, October 10, 2005

Well the bad news is that it's cancer.The good news is it's early stages. Scans next week and then they can work out what treatment I'll need.The other good news is that I'll be at the Royal Marsden Hospital which is the best cancer and cervical cancer hospital in the country.There are many many issues to deal with, not least that I may not have children. My bad for waiting for the right man I guess.Still at least I have the right man. Many many many emotions right now. So many people I have to tell. It's weird breaking that news about yourself.

The weird thing about cancer is that until you know you have it, you think you feel ok. And then suddenly it's diagnosed because by some accident you find a lump like my friend did, or you have a check up like me. And then suddenly you realise that maybe it's the reason that you've been tired all the time, and it's not just jet lag.And the horrible thing about cancer is that the treatment is in someways the cure is worse than the disease. I know I will end up at least having surgery, and maybe radiotherapy and maybe chemo. I may even have to have a hysterectomy. Even without that the chances that I'll lose my chance of having children are high, which is hard to get my head around after 5 weeks of marriage.

And that you feel like you have this great big sign saying cancer sufferer over you with an arrow pointing down. Yet you still can't believe it's you.Cancer? That's not me. But it is. Scans on Tuesday and then I'll have some idea how much my life will change.

Just married