Image change

I'm starting to get used to having my picture taken now, though I hate it. I had some shots taken for the Jo's Trust PR people and I actually quite like them and thought it was about time that I changed my profile picture!

Yes, I now have brown hair for the first time ever. I'd been my natural colour for a while so thought it was about time I had a change!

Z xx

Highs and lows

Where has the time gone? It's february already and we've had a warm January, with snow for the first time in years (go figure) and more snow forecast for tomorrow. The last few weeks have been on a bit of a roller coaster - trying to leave work, which has happened though the apron strings are not quite cut and finding that I'm busier than ever.

Funnily enough I'm enjoying being at home. Someone asked me what I do. I don't know exactly but it seems that I'm running around - spring cleaning, and doing jobs that have been put to one side for ages. I'm seeing the house afresh and wanting to change things. And panning our trip to the US and just stuff really.

I've been to the House of Commons to lobby for the Cervical Cancer vaccine and am getting more involved with Jo's Trust and other charities - and in fact appeared on TV last week, being interviewed about my experiences with cervical cancer and the importance of smears. I really really enjoyed the experience and from the feedback I got, was quite good at it, so I may be doing more media work.

I've also started doing pilates sessions with Lisa and am investigating courses to train as an instructor - it's all very exciting and daunting and scary and very expensive so am formulating a plan.

And in the middle of all this excitement, Gaffa died - he's Joss's father so technically not a relation, but as close to a grandfather as I've had for many years and just an amazing man. He'll be much missed as he was such an integral part of the extended family and dealt with everything with such humour and dignity. He was 94 years young.

I am going to write more about India but in the meantime here's a picture of me that Jayne took in Mumbai - I don't like pictures of me at the moment, but this one is one that I like.

Chapter 3: Ayerveda - mind body and soul

Sorry about the gaps between posts - work and Christmas sort of got in the way! I hope everyone had a good restful time, or if not restful, fun!

Back to the retreat where was a pretty set programme - you are examined by the ayurvedic doctor who looks at your tongue and asks about your symptoms and assesses your body type. Ayurveda is based on three body types - kapha, pitta, and vata.

I'm Kapha Vata - this is worked out by your physical make up, but also personality takes a big part of it. I have a kapha inbalance which meant that I'd put on weight and was lethergic and also had mucus overproduction - this was all spot on in terms of symptoms I was having and how I was feeling. Because of my cancer treatment I was not treated in the way they would normally treat this - instead I was under orders of no weight loss, gentle yoga and lots of relaxing treatments.

It is a very complex philosophy ayurvedic doctors train as long as western doctors and often in India combine the training - they are also not dismissive of western medicine, so they don't treat cancer for example but instead try and prevent it or rebalance the body after conventional treatment. We were never told what was in the medicines exactly - just that they were a mixture of herbs specifically formulated for each person. They all had varying degrees of yukkiness, from ick, to omigodthatwasdisgusting!

The yoga was wonderful - mainly astanga, but different to what you get here - much more spiritual (hindu) with lots of prayers in sanskrit. (Left, our wonderful yoga teacher Ganesh with Jayne).



After that we had monkey feeding (see below right!) and breakfast and then the day proper started - we had our treatments. The first couple of days were massage which is done with lots of oil and two therapists (all of the treatments are). Then for

a few more days it was an oil bath where warm oil (a base of sesame oil with herbs) is dripped over you and rubbed in to your skin. Then for most people (not me) there's a steam bath and the day after that is purgation (or purgatory as we nicknamed it) which involves drinking medicated ghee and staying by a loo! I didn't do this as my body self purgates and in fact did so towards the end of the stay - which was part of the healing process.Then there's dhara which is oil slowly running onto the forehead, which is incredibly relaxing - it's hard to describe as each person's experience was different, but for me I found myself having vivid thoughts and actually wrote a poem as a result!

After treatment we rested and then had lunch. The afternoon was more resting (some of the treatments were quite exhasting in a way and after dhara you're not supposed to be stimualted), or yoga or trips to town etc. At 5.30 we had an hour of mediation.

We found that there was a lot of time for thought and reflection and in fact this was very useful to me - meeting so many wonderful people (more of them later!) in such an intense environment (intense in a good way) meant that we could share stories. In that time I realised that I am not coping with work and the negatitivity from some aspects of it. I love the company but not the job and it's not what I want to do. It's a bit of cliche, having a moment of clarity in India, but I think that it's a place that makes you realise what choices we have. And that karma does exist and it does happen. This out of focus dahlia is what I was looking at when I had my moment!

Wishing everyone a very happy and healthy New Year.


Om Shanti

India. Chapter 2. Walking in the clouds

Picture 1. Clouds over the retreat

The retreat is around 2000m in the Nilgris (Blue Mountains). Small round cottages are tucked into the side of the hill surrounded by tea plants.

The weather constantly changes - clouts roll past, either engulfing us in damp air or rain or revealing blue skies and hot strong sunshine. It was hard to know what to wear - you were either too hot or too cold!

Our room (the bottom left in the picture) had a view across to the south east and over the valley - as well as to the yoga hall. This was useful as we could see when people were walking up and so we could make a dash and get a good spot before class.

Picture 2. Our cottage

In the mornings we welcomed the day at 6.30 with yoga. This was preceeded by the medicine man who delivered foul tasting potions with a winning smile. Yoga was a magincal experience - doing sun salutations and then sitting palms up as the sun floods into the room and into your hands. Even the torturous poses that we did did not seem that bad and we took it all with good humour and the occasional giggle as we were told to "inhayeeee" and "exhayeee" or to do the "gangeroo pose" and to "feel the benefit".

Picture 3. Medicine Man

Chapter 2, II - Tea

The tea is real tea - that is, rather than being ornamental, its tips are harvested and sent to a local tea factory where it is dried and fermented to make the black tea we're used to.

Picture 4 Lady picking tea

India - chapter 1, the journey.

Well I'm back and I have to say that I had amazing time. I loved India more than I ever thought I would. It's chaotic, and dirty and noisy, but it's also vibrant, friendly, funny and unexpected.

So I'll write bits and pieces when I can about my experiences. There's much to say so bear with me. Now, are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin.

Our journey was eventful to say the least. From the stresses of getting to Heathrow in rush hour on a Friday night to a check-in with a broken luggage belt, to security checks, to getting lost in Terminal 3 (don't ask) and having to go through security again to only just making the plane, whish was delayed any way... then being late to land in Mumbai and missing our connecting flight!! A very quick lesson in learning to go with the flow - essential practice in India!!!

Eventually a new flight booked and a madcap taxi ride through Mumbai to a part of town called Colaba, where we went to a hotel that J&J had sated in before - clean, basic and cool. And very very welcome.

Mumbai is a fear of sound and colour, almost too much to focus on. The traffic is fast and furious, there seem to be few rules excpet to stick to the left. Otherwise it's point and go. And hoot. A lot.

Every surface is covered with posters and flowers. Buildings crumble behind. There are people everywhere - drinking tea, selling fruit or shirts, or souvenirs, or tailoring on the street with old sewing machines, and of course begging.

"Please mama, bebe, mumma, eat mumma" It's relentless. There is evidence of ppverty everywhere. There's no disabled rights or benefits or care for the elderly on the streets. As the middle classes grow more powerful so does the divide between them and the poor. This is not a shock to me, as I have similar images imprinted on my brain from our time in Brazil, but nevertheless it's a reminder of how much we have in the west.

We ventured out, seeing the Taj at dusk and even more people gathering around it - peple selling balloons. kulfi, anything and everything.

Walking past shops is a bit like being in Brick Lane - every trader wants you to come and look - it's easier to say "later" than no, upon which you're handed a business card.

That evening we went to Indigo which is a popular and trendy Bombay restaurant - not traditional Indian but western (French/Italian) dishes with Indian spice. A risotto to die for.

The next day our travels resumed and this time our flight was undramatic. We arrived in Combiatore where we were met by Krishna the driver and fellow guest Anisa. It was a two hour journey where we saw another side of India - lush green plantations interspersed with colourful villages, which unlike here are not sleepy hideyholes but vibrant busy places.

More Indian driving - lots of honking and overtaking and weaving around people. goats, donkeys, chickens, dogs and the ubiquitous sacred cow.

We stopped for coconut water drunk from the shell and then this was broken and the tender flesh eaten. As we drove we shared stories of family and looked at pictures. As it grew darker we climbed higher into the mountains and the road became more and more bumpy.

More dodging of people and animals and other vehicles, waterfalls cascading down the side of the hills. Eventually it was dark and you could hear the water and soon we had arrived at the retreat.

Baby, you are born to run!!

He did it! In a very respectable time of 1:34:48 - and here are the pictures to prove it!

Emma followed five minutes later and they both did so well given the weather was so awful. It was a torrential downpour for the entire duration of the race. Despite that the support team kept it's spirits up, assisted by the obligitary bacon sandwich.

Thanks for all the sponsorship - it means a lot!

Z xx

Anniversaries and adventures

It has been ages since I last posted, for which I apologise! In September we celebrated our wedding anniversary, which was wonderful - we went to a lovely spa hotel thanks to some friends of mine and were pampered and rested. We also were able to catch up with Ann and Jon who made a flying visit. It was all too brief, but great to see them and compare notes.

I also had my 6 month check up which was good - again no sign of a recurrance. It's funny though because those checkups sort of remind me that there COULD be a recurrance so it's a bitter sweet time. Oh for the day that I'm told I'm in remission!

I have also changed my HRT. Menopause is not easy for me - actually I'm having a rubbish time. My HRT caused massive weight gain and also problems with my joints - so I'm a bit like a little old lady with a type of arthritis in my hands and feet. Not to mention the mood swings. Have been on this new HRT for a few weeks now so hopefully it will kick in.

In November Jayne and I are going to India to a retreat (aka yoga boot camp) which looks wonderful but hard work! I am very excited as it's my first trip to India and well be at the retreat for 2 weeks and then a couple of days in Bombay. It will be good to spend time with Jayne and see India with her, although I think we both will welcome the meditation at times!! ;o)

My lovely husband made the mistake of mentioning how he was inspired by Natalia's marathon and so was challenged to do the Great South Run. He's doing 10 miles raising money for the Royal Marsden. His sister Emma is also running, as are Chris and HIS sister Vicky, so there's quite a bit of competitive spirit! So please sponsor him as we're both so grateful for the wonderful treatment that the Marsden has given me. It will help him see that all the hard work and early mornings were worth it!!

Love

Z x

In black and white

So I hadn't actually heard it or believed it, though I had been told that they removed the tumor - after all my radio and chemo was for my margins so there was nothing to measure.But I recently requested a letter because we're going to a spa for our wedding anniversary and they wanted a letter from my doctor to tell them that massage was ok.And there it is in writing...

NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE

Wow. :o)

Z xxx

PS have made an appointment to see nice gynae consultant about my HRT at the end of the month. Mood is also helped by therapist. Shrinkage is good

Wobbles

I've realised that I haven't written for a month which is bad. I apologise.

We've been dealing with being back at work and unusually hot weather for the UK in July. Now I know it's not hot in Aussie terms, but London is horrid when the temperatures reach over 30 degrees - no air con and high humidity and everything gets stinky. No one can sleep and everyone is grumpy.

Now add the the mix that I work for one of the world's top sandal manufacturers and you can get a picture of my world right now. It's very hard not to want to tell some of our customers to get a grip, that the world is not going to cave in because we don't have the shoes they want in stock and YES our delivery is one to two weeks because that's as fast as we can go right now. And actually I don't care that much, because really if that's their only issue in life, then life's not too bad. But of course I don't say anything. But just for the record, if you demand compensation because your sandals don't arrive in time for your holiday, you won't get any.

Despite various medications including HRT, menopause is hitting me like a train. Girls, it's like PMT but worse. Don't even think about not having drugs! I can cope with home and stuff but other things not so much. I'm not convinced that the HRT I'm dealing with is working for me so I've arranged to see the gynae that we saw about the fertility things as she offered to help. That's not until the end of the month so in the meantime I'm deep breathing and trying not to kill anyone.

Talking of which, it's been hard to keep things together as everytime we're out at any kind of function we get asked if we're planning a family. A note to people; DO NOT ask this of anyone, especially ones that you've only just met. Because it's a) rude b) people's own business and c) you might not get the answer you want. It bothered me when I was fertile and it sure as hell bothers me now. I can just about cope with my friends having babies and stuff (I'm a bit sensitive but can deal with it and am happy for them), but I will answer that no, we can't have children, and I will say why. If people are embarassed, well tough. Telling someone that you have just had cervical cancer may not be deemed proper in polite society, but nor is asking intrusive questions about one's sex life and other personal issues.

Anyway, I'm plowing through books about coping strategies and diet and stuff and I'm sure slowly I'll feel human again. I still have tummy issues so I can't eat some of the things they suggest which is slightly irritating.

On a positive note, I've had some cycling lessons - I think before that I only rode a bike once when I was about 15, but we didn't have a park that would allow bikes when I was growing up. Any way, I can now ride a bike, not on the roads yet, but still. I was very proud that I fell off and got back on again, Even if Matt did say that my leg looked like a piece of stilton due to the bruising. And am having more lessons which is good and we bought me a nice silver bike with a proper wicker basket on. So hopefully soon I'll be riding properly around Kingston! My aim is to do the London to Brighton next year, which will coincide with my, erhem, 40th birthday.

I finished my course with flying colours which has been great and I really enjoyed it. Not entirely sure where it will lead me, but its been great for my confidence.

So I do wonder sometimes when I'll start to feel vaguely human again. It's been a very wobbly time what with one thing or another, but I somehow manage to pick myself up and keep going. And sorry it this post sounds like a bit of a rant. I blame some of it on hormones, but a lot on the fact that some people are just a bit rude and insensitive at times, even if they don't mean it.

Love

Z xxx

The Italian Job!

Italy was wonderful. We were staying in a villa which was all old tiles and spacious rooms with bourgonvillia and jasmine on the outside. The windows openned onto an outside covered terrace which looked straight to the Med, we were woken by the sound of birds and the occasional boat and the sound of the sea and the hooting by the bus drivers as they went by on the road above.

We had a tiny man made private beach that we had to walk down about 5 flights of very steep stairs to get to, and we had to walk up the same to get the the main road, which is the only road that takes you along the Amlfi coast so it's madness - scooters, buses, cars, pedestrians are all using the road, all apart from the pedestrians are at break neck speed around many hair pin bends. There was a lot of bus action and a lot of bus on bus action which always involved lots of horns and backing up and so on.

The nearest town was Minori - one of the least touristy towns on the coast and gorgeous. It still had holiday makers, but it's full of local charm and was relatively inexpensive. We spent a lot of time there and became tempoary locals, hanging out at the bars in the square, or eating gelati, or at a couple of great restuarants. The first week, for the most part Matt and I relaxed and slept and ate and walked and sunbathed.

One day we decided to walk to Ravello which is a steep up hill stair climb (about 1 mile) it was a beautiful walk past terraced fams of peaches and lemons. We saw mules bringing the lemons down and picked up ones that had been dropped. By the time we got to Ravello the weather had changed and there was a torrential downpour and we had to shelter in a shop. We did get back there another time and it really is a pretty town - amazing views. After the walk up there we had sore legs for days!

Matt's parents arrived on the Friday in time for the World Cup to start so there was more hanging out watching the footie. but as they brought a car we were able to travel around a bit more. My birthday was spent in Pompeii. Most of the artifacts are in museums but it's still worth a visit - we enjoyed it very much - it's big though and there's still a lot to see. We avoided Naples and the museums this trip.

We also visited Capri, and took a ferry there and back- very beautiful with some stunning walks. Also incredibly expensive. Mind shatteringly so. I bought a pretty handbag which wasn't too extortionate, but some of the designer stuff was ridiculous.Amalfi is also a pretty town but packed with tourists and not as friendly as some of the other places we visited. Found a wonderful handbag shop and another leather shop so it was worth visiting for those reasons!All in all we loved the area, and will probably go back.

Because we were staying in a villa we had the freedom to eat out or in - when we ate in we bought wonderful fruit (peaches etc) and tomatoes (the best I've eaten) and proscuitto and bread or made very simple pasta. For breakfast we had cereal (the locals thought we were made because italians don't really eat cereal for breakfast much) or went into town and had cornettos (croissants) that had surprise fillings, such as chocolate, marmalade or apricot jam. And we ate many multi course meals - lots of seafood - for much much less than you'd pay in London.

Being in Italy for the world cup was great fun - the local bars moved the TVs outside so we could watch the various games and there was a party atmosphere when Italy played. On our last night it was the Italy - US game and we were in the back with the locals - there was an audible sigh of relief when we cheered for Italy - they'd been giving us funny looks because they assumed we were supporting the US! And as our friendly waiter said "Theese country ees crazy".

I loved the Italians and the sense of community and the food was fantastic.

When I got back I had my first 3 month check up. So far so good. Next one is in September. Now we can enjoy the summer!

Z x

This time tomorrow

We'll be in Italy, looking at the sea, away from computers and work stresses.

I'm not sending postcards this time, but will be back in two weeks.

Ciao!

Z xx

Women's Hour

I'm working at home today and managed to listen to Women's Hour on Radio 4. They had a report about the study of long term psychological effects of cervical cancer on women and their partners that is being started by Surrey University and a woman called Alison Nightingale who had it herself. I've become involved via Jo's Trust.

If you are interested there is more information on the Women's Hour webpage and they will also podcast it later today.

I'm counting the days to our holiday (9 in case you're interested). I don't think I've ever felt so in need of one. Can't wait to be sitting on the terrace of an Italian villa looking at the sea and sipping wine.

I'm feeling grumpy at the moment - work has been very stressful and while my team is doing well and I'm being productive, there are issues that I have no control over and it's causing ructions. And shouting. I've never been a fan of shouting at work, although have had several jobs where it was quite normal, but these days I can't cope with it. As a result it's been playing on my mind when I should be resting. Matt is on the verge of banning me from going in.

On top of that I'm frustrated with my lack of fitness. I "persuaded" Matt to do the Great South Run in October and although I'm not going to do it, I thought I could start training with him as I feel fat and lumpy at the moment. It's not going well - apart from the constant pains I get (symptoms post radiotherapy and/or menopause) I also get random bouts of diarrhea, which is a little limiting. I'm going to keep trying though, as well as doing pilates at home (Darcy Bussell has a really good DVD out which included lovely stretches).

Part of the problem is that I feel that some people at work (not my bosses thankfully) seem to think that I should be better now that my treatment is over. And it's not as easy as that. It's very depressing.

On a more positive note I'm doing this Women in Governance course (WinG) which I do on my day off on Thursdays. It's not too tiring and actually good because I get to use my brain and exercise the neurons. I'm also meeting some lovely women from Kingston and Richmond with diverse backgrounds and experiences. And the assignments are interesting too. My tutor has told me that Primary Health Care Trusts are keen to get women with my work and health experiences onto boards so it might lead to something interesting and worthwhile.

But it's a type of therapy, in that it's helping me feel better about myself. And I'll take any help I can get at the moment. I see my therapist this afternoon and am looking forward to a long weekend with Matt, and of course the holiday. And I'm enjoying the bits of sun in between the torrential rain that allow me to potter in the garden. It's looking lovely - there are little baby apples on the crab apple tree, and roses blooming, and strawberries and blueberries starting. And Matt's tomato plants are being kept company by aubergine, pepper and chili plants, and I planted beans yesterday. Let's hope the presence of the ginger Kray cats keeps the birds off. Next year I'm going to try potatoes in bags!

And if you think that I've turned into a mad hippy (or more of one than before), I'm feeling inadquate after dinner with Fran and other old friends and discovering that we were the only couple that DIDN'T have an allotment. We're all turning into Tom and Barbara's! We've even ordered a water butt. I'll be voting Green next. ;o)

Z xxx

Just wanted to add that Merck are doing a very good campaign in the US called "tell someone", educating people on the HPV virus which is one of the most common viruses, yet the least known about. HPV is the reason we have pap smears. In all honesty, I didn't know that. I knew that smears detected abnormal cells, but I didn't know why, nor that the abnormal cells could result in cervical cancer. I don't think I was ever told that. And I was good at having paps (every 2 years in Aus, as opposed to the 3 -5 years here).

So please Tell Someone. We need to be educated more about the point of pap smears to protect other women from the experience that I'm dealing with. The irritating thing is that men carry HPV but they can't be tested for it!

Sorry for not posting for a while - I'm trying to adjust to some sort of life again! Things are getting busier at work and so I'm there more, plus we've been either away at weekends or in the garden, and I'm also trying to deal with some of the longer term side effects of treatment (dodgy tum, muscle ache, fatigue and menopause - oh joy).

I had a check up and so far so good which is a postive thing. I have to go back in June. Of course, because it was my margins that were not clear enough it's hard for them to measure, but they seemed pleased with me and I came out armed with HRT and instructions on how to deal with things post radiotherapy (bleurgh).

I'm very tired today - a bit of sunshine and people start buying sandals so it was a very full on at work this morning. But I'm also slowly trying to exercise as am feeling blobbish and have not been able to do much do to treatment (one forgets how much the pelvic area is used and effected by things). So am doing short bursts on the water rower in an attempt to do get fitter again.

We're both looking forward to our holiday in Italy, even though it's going to cost a LOT in insurance (yes, even Europe) and forget North America, it's almost impossible to get insurance for there if you have or have had cancer, which is depressing. As I'm hoping to do a trek to raise money for the Marsden next year, I hope that it is not too prohibitive - the one I'm keen on doing is to China!

Wil post again sooner next time!

Z xxx

Some of Kew's Magnolias

Spring has finally sprung and it seems prophetic that it should happen so late, yet coincide with the end of my treatment. It's wonderful to see the blossom start to come out and the flowers bloom. It feels so hopeful.

We went to Kew with Col on Thursday - a beautiful sunny day - and we walked a lot, more than I have in a long time, and looked at the plants. The magnolias were out, looking resplendent and rather symbolic.

I'm still having up and downs. I find myself getting tired a lot still and have at least one day a week when something triggers a dodgy tummy and vomiting, oh joy. I need to learn not to try and run before I can walk.

Looking forward to Easter and the cast of thousands as we head to Oxfordshire and a family get together. I hear that an easter egg hunt is planned for the "children" (the youngest being Tam and 20!).

Z x

Springtime in Kew Gardens

Well it's now a week since I had my last treatment and I'm slowly starting to feel human again. The steroids are working their way out of my system and I don't feel as jittery and spaced out as I was, and the metallic taste is gradually lessening. I've managed to drink white wine and will have to see if red wine still tastes awful! I still have emergency dashes too the loo (an effect of having pelvic radiotherapy) but it's more or less manageable, though I'm still being careful what I eat.

At the Marsden you come across so many people that are sick and the irony is that for the most part everyone felt fine before they were diagnosed - there are not many other diseases that the treatment makes you feel WORSE than you did when you started! But it's good to be coming through it now. In a month I have a check up.

Some nice things happened this week too. Col is here, which is great. We've booked a holiday. And I went to a thing called Look Good Feel Good, which is for cancer patients and is basically a girlie afternoon playing with makeup. It was lots of fun and it was nice to meet other women with other cancers who are all battling this disease with, for the most part, great attitude and grace. I saw my treatment as a job (admittedly a not very nice one!) that had to be done as did many of the ladies I spoke to yesterday and I really think that helped me get through it. And those Aussie battler genes!

The other thing that happened was that I got a message from one of the forums I post on from a girl who has just been diagnosed with cervical cancer. I won't say any more to protect her privacy, except that she had read this blog from start to finish and had found it very helpful. That completely validated my reasons for writing here. Apart from keeping in touch with my friends and family, I hoped it would help someone. And it has, and that is something that I can take from all of this. It was upsetting when I was accused of being attention seeking when I decided to be up front with it all. That was never my intention (believe me, this is attention that I'd never normally choose to have!), and to have someone say that I've helped them made my day!

I'm also reading Pollyanna again, it makes me smile. For those of you who have never read it. it's about a little girl and a game that her father teaches her which is the "glad game". It's about finding something to be glad about whatever the situation.

I'm not so good at the glad game I'll admit, but I do find that being positive helps. Of the people I've met at the Marsden, those that get on with it and battle through the bad times with humour and grace seem to do better than those who are angry and bitter and complain. That's not to say that there aren't bad days or days that you want to whinge a bit, or days that it's hard to get out of bed, or are in pain, or generally a little pissed off; but life's too short to be angry or rude or nasty all the time. And I certainly believe that "you reap what you sow" to quote Lou Reed (and our wedding dance!).

I feel sorry for those people that can't see that the reason people at the hospital know me by name is that I make an effort to smile and say hello and have a chat with people. Last week I met a woman who said that breast cancer has ruined her life. That was so sad to me, as cancer has changed things in many ways, but I'm still me and it certainly hasn't ruined my life. I'm not glad that I have cancer, but it really has made me appreciate what I have, especially in terms of love and friendship.