Of course that picture of me looking as glamorous as I could when dressed as a ribena berry on the ski slopes was taken just before I sat down on the mountain having a panic attack and had to be rescued by ski patrol. A whole other story and adventure but I think in future I'll ski the Victoria Beckham way - glam up for the photoshoots and then take a nice sleigh ride.

So I've had a week of radiotherapy and my first chemo session and I keep telling myself "at least you're not throwing yourself down a mountain on narrow planks of plastic" (ok not plastic but you get my drift). I think it's working. But the drugs could be helping too. Given the choice beween skiing and chemo, it's a tough call but the idea of sitting in the sun watching the snow glinting and other people throwing themsleves off mountains is an attractive prospect.

I'm now on sleeping tablets. They have made the biggest difference to my well being - before I was feeling like an over tired 5 year old who had been eating too many e numbers. On edge didn't describe it. And I didn't feel rested even if I did sleep. Now I feel much more relaxed. I'm also on a VERY VERY low dose of anti depressant - that hasn't really kicked in, but it's more of a preventative measure - my therapist wants to keep me feeling as have been off late, which is handling things.

So what's the treatment like?

Radiotherapy is all about a constant schlepp to hospital - except weekends - and I always think well it will only be a few minutes, which it is but then there seems to be other stuff like bloods to do or people I need to see so I don't get out as quickly as I like. But in a nutshell, you have to lie on this metal slab/bed (no mattress) and in my case with my pants down to my thights with a small piece of paper covering my modesty. Then they manipulate you around so that your little tattooed dots line up with the lights and mark things in pen, then you lie there while they leave the room and you're left staring at a white ceiling with bright lights like a space ship and this thing circles you and targets your dots. Sound effects are mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. I am convinced that it's a form of dalek and it will start saying "exterminate, exterminate"!

Chemo is a long long day - lots of waiting around and bloods being taken and then more waiting. Then a canular put in, then a hour or two of fluid to get my kidneys going, then half an hour of something to make me pee, then two lots of anti sickness, then an hour of the actual chemo (cisplatin), then another two hours of fluid. Luckily I wasn't sick so they allowed me home after that and I could have the remaining 500mls of fluid at home, which includes soup etc. I felt a bit itchy and lightheaded almost but on the whole it wasn't too bad. It's a cummulative thing, so we'll see how I progress.

Roll on the end of March!!

Z xx