Saturday, November 26, 2005

I'm loving being at home. It's peaceful here and Matt's mum, Lyn has been keeping me company. She and Derek have gone to Pompey this weekend to help Em and Steve move (they've had a stressful time of it too). We've had a lovely quiet few days - I've caught up on Strictly Come Dancing (sequins! yay!) and we've put the world to rights. I'm so lucky with such supportive parents and in-laws!

As far as my brain being fried with daytime TV - it is already fried with the amount of drugs I'm taking. I need them for the pain but they make me feel weird and floaty and I can't think straight. In a way it's probably just as well as one of our cats, Blue is still missing and without the sedation I'd be distraught. As it is I find it hard to do anything other than sit and dribble at the moment!

Hospital was weird - I find it hard to deal with the lack of privacy. I know it's odd given I'm quite open about things but when you're dealing with other people's sounds and smells so openly (like commodes by beds) it's deeply unpleasant. Not their fault by any means just strange.

I really kept to my own ward but I did meet some amazing women. One girl had an ovarian cyst - and had been palmed off by the doctors who said that she was just gaining weight and stuff. Eventually she had a scan and it was diagnosed. There was so much fluid in there that you could hear it slosh. It was removed on Monday and weighed 17 pounds.

What was good about hospital was that we were all in there for the same reason - to try and get well. It didn't matter what stage the cancer was at or what the treatment was, we all had the same goal, and some hope. We all suffered pain and embarrassment and indignity. On Tuesday I cried all day - everything had hit me. It was the first time I'd done that and I needed it. No one said anything like "keep your chin up" or anything - they just understood that it was part of the process. We also found things to laugh about - like when I was so delighted at having my bladder catheter out that the whole ward (if not floor) heard me yell "Thank you!". Or when I had my other catheter removed and there was still a stitch left inside me and the doctors turned up with a huge torch to stry and locate it. You have to see the funny side when you have your legs splayed and a torch shining at you.

I know that recovery will take a while but am rather proud with my progress so far - apparently I have a high pain threshold because everyone was astounded at how little morphine I self administered. I think years of dancing and putting myself throught that sort of pain paid off in the most unexpected way!

Thank you to those of you that have sent cards/emails/blog comments flowers/magazines/books/visited. It really has been appreciated. Matt's printed out things and showed them to me when I was in hospital.

Finally a message for Fools (stop reading if you are not a member of TMF). I think many of you have realised that I'm not posting there any more, and neither is Matt. The events before my operation were extremely hurtful especially as we felt unable to express our side of the story due to pulled posts etc. I don't want to be be exposed to the toxins there right now. Many many of you have been wonderful and supportive and I thank you, but I was shocked at being accused of being attention seeeking and everything else that I had dished out at me. I was also shocked at the rather obvious lack of support from some in the community. I know that things like that are trivial in the bigger picture but for me the Fool has been a big part of my life (after all I wouldn't have met Matt or made some fantastic friends otherwise) and I felt very let down. It's time for me to focus on the people that genuinely care about me and I'll keep in touch with y'all off board. Hugs Z xxxx

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Zoe and Matt,

I noticed from TMF you weren`t posting, I wanted to let you know I am thinking of you both.

Please don`t get addicted to daytime tv! Trisha has really gone down hill these days, lol.

Your both still in my thoughts nearly every day. I think of you both often, it is so very strange as I dont know either of you personally, yet feel akin to you both.

Stay strong, both of you,

Sharon

Anonymous said...

Dear Zoe,
Am SO SO glad you're out of hospital and recovering. Have been thinking of you lots and sending hugs across the ocean.
Take care and lots of love
Nats

Naomi said...

Hi there,
My name is Naomi Daugherty, and I live in Indianapolis Indiana. I have a five year old son named Gavin and a two year old daughter, Hannah, who has Down syndrome and leukemia. Thankfully, she's recovering from the leukemia with chemotherapy and she's in remission. She has three more spinal taps and she'll be finished. I know that we don't know each other, but if you ever want to talk about cancer related things, I'd be more than willing. I'll say a prayer for you. BTW, what is TMF?

-Naomi

Anonymous said...

Hi Zoe and Matt,
I would have felt the same way if someone had accused me of attention seeking. It was appalling.
I will really miss your posting on TMF, and you will both be in my thoughts and prayers.
Kindest regards
marathonrunner68

Anonymous said...

Hi Zoe, (this bleedin' English keyboard, I can't get your name to work properly :(

and you too Matt :)

Just to say that I am missing you on the boards, but it's not so bad because you've got your blog and I can just nip over here to see what's happening, I've added you to my favourites now, so I shouldn't loose you again ;) derrrrrr and I'll certainly nip in every now and again to see how you're doing.

I have nothing but admiration for both of you, keep posting on your blog hon, (sorry can you tell I didn't sleep much last night, or the night before) ;) little girlie not five until next April, wants to watch DVD's at the oddest time of night, usually when she hears "a noise" or "has a bad dream" even though she's hardly had time to fall asleep :)

Daddy will be back from Germany tomorrow, so she will probably sleep fine then :)

Well enough of us and mine :)

I do understand why you're not posting over on TMF as I'm sure all your friends will, just keep getting better hon, stay strong and think positive! It really does work!!

Mega hugs to both of you, oh and blue will probably do what Machu does every now and then, turn up with a guilty look on his face ;) ours came back smelling of creosote once, we'd looked high and lo for her, all over the neighbourhood, knocked on every door, about 2 nights later a lady turned up cat in tow :) she'd managed to get into a porch they seldom use when her hubby was creosoting the fence :) LOL

Hugs Mand & Andy (MrsBug & Squander) xx

Ps. just thought I'd share the latest :))

Holly just said "Mummy, can we keep this house ever?" awwwww bless, wish we could :)

Anonymous said...

Hello Zoe and Matt,

I really miss you on TMF but I understand that you don't need the aggravation. The whole business left a very bad taste especially when such wonderful people like yourselves are targeted.

I am reading your blog, and wish you a good recovery and strength. Despite only knowing you on line, you can count me a a real friend in a virtual world. Take care of yourslef - I can see that Matt, your family and friends are taking good care of you. My warmest wishes to Matt also.

all the best,
Diziet

Zoë said...

Thank you everyone for your comments - it's nice to know that people are reading, and it's nice to know that I'm touching people that I don't know!!

Naomi - you sound so strong and it's such good news about your daughter. It's a lot for anyone to cope with, least of all a little one.

FYI, TMF is an online community called The Motley Fool. It's mainly finance related, but the community aspect is very strong and I've been involved for a long time, as well as having input on a book they published.It's at times like this that you learn who your real friends are be it in real life or online.

Anonymous said...

Glad to hear that you are home and are on the mend Zoe - I too miss you both on the Fool.
I'm sure that Matt is glad to have you home too - those hospital chairs just have to be the hardest ever. I swear my bottom's never been the same again after the hours that I sat with my husband!

Stay strong

Philippa

glatisanta said...

Hiya Zoe - I'm really glad to read it's gone so well.

I do a bit of lurking and a bit of posting at TMF - you are missed there.

I had a bit of abnormal cervical cell drama when I was pregnant with my daughter - lots of scraping with hot wire loops - yum - and so much examination of everything Up There by so many (your stich episode gave me a big smile). Oh the joy.

Wishing you both the very best -take care.
gin.