A continuing journey

Sunshine and rain

2011-07-07T22:25:00.000+01:00

The last couple of weeks have been hard at times, hence the title of this post. Not only have we had such contrasts in weather daily life has seemed to be just as extreme at times. My friend finally passed away and I found that having cold after cold affected my immune system resulting in feeling very low and sick. Antibiotics helped fight those nasty germs and suddenly I felt more able to cope, as we were able to spend some time in the summer sunshine after a lot of rainy days.

The funeral was very hard - it helped that there was a great group of the girls and chaps from Jo's and we gathered at mine for lunch before walking over - it was strange to be with these people that I care about and chatting away, dressed in bright colours to suddenly be at a crematorium and looking at a coffin. It was just as she would have wanted it - lots of music and friends, but so incredibly sad. I'd spoken to her about this eventuality, but there's a massive space in this world without her pragmatic way and wicked sense of humour and I am going to miss our coffees and nights out.

We also finally had a visit from the health visitor which was very helpful - it was good to talk to someone who is experienced with the children similar to Poppet, who is not a social worker! And it was about me and looking after myself so it really helped. Also as she is not a SW we did not have the same issues with Poppet's behaviour that we normally have after visits. We've had some behavioural issues that have been a bit worrying and they seem to have got worse since the last LAC review, and aimed at me mainly. It seems that the more we bond, which is really happening at the moment, the more she lashes out at me. Probably because I'm her mum and she is angry at "mum" - or at least at something that has happened in her short life.

The health visitor saw it happen and is going to come back in a month and if it is still happening she will get us some help. Which is great news. Honestly I think it will probably work itself out, but it's good to feel supported and that we can get it sorted.

And after that downer - well everything is actually feeling good and sunny (despite a lot more rain)! We've had our first trip up to Yorkshire and the in-laws which was lovely - a weekend of not having to cook, a very spoiled Poppet and time for some us-time thanks to Nana babysitting.

And she loved it - ate LOADS, saw her first steam train, had her first pub lunch, and behaved beautifully (well, mainly!).

And I have made some decisions - our routine has changed so she eats later and we eat earlier most nights so we can have dinner together and she has her bath in the evening. It means that we have a bit more time when she goes to bed and I cook one meal rather than two. There still needs to be some adjustment to make it work better, but it's more relaxing. And it's great us eating as a family. It might not happen every night but I want it to be more often than not.

I am also planning to go back to work. Just an evening and hopefully Saturday mornings, but I think that it's workable and I'm looking forward to it.

And all things considered, she is doing so well - she seems to be growing everyday and has gone from a size 4 shoe to a 5 1/2 in the time she's been with us. And her language is going from strength to strength - she is so desperate to talk. New words spill out everyday and she has little things that she says that sometimes it takes time to work out. Funny little things like saying "haies" which means hands and holding out her hand to me. This afternoon she was leading me around the house. And funny little things she does like nappy checking her toys (involving copious amounts of wipes every where). And announcing she's done a poo, and we check and she hasn't. And working out how to remove her nappy - 4 times in one night and resulting in a wee covered bed. And meowing loudly when we say the word tail (in Meg and Mog, Meg steps on Mog's tail and he meows) or when she eats blueberries (our cats are Blue and Berry).

And it's those things, and the millions more that make it worthwhile -even though mummy does get very cross with her unpacking drawers for the millionth time, seeing her cheeky grin and the way she hugs my legs when I head towards the living room and knowing that mayhem ensues means I can't be cross for long because she is exploring the world and wanting to learn and for the most part being a very typical toddler.

And we are all smitten (well the cats are still pissed off but Blue is happily purring on my lap so it's not all bad for them).

Z x

10 weeks and it feels like it has always been so

2011-06-15T15:50:00.000+01:00

Poppet has been with us for exactly 10 weeks and in that time we've had 4 molars, 2 colds (us included), some tears and lots of laughter.

It has been an adjustment - it was 0-500 mph instantly and of course we have had challenges. The hardest thing is not knowing certain things about her background so there have been some question marks and worries. A few of those got answered or confirmed at yesterday's LAC meeting and suddenly things start to make sense. I'm pleased that our instincts were right, and that what we suspected was not normal toddler behaviour, is indeed probably the product of her early experiences.

There are also times when she needs a lot of reassurance and she is very unsettled - especially after meetings and contact visits, but we'll have less soon and she will hopefully realise that she is staying with us and won't be moving again.

That said, there's nothing we can't handle as it's not major stuff, but we do need to try and work through these things to knock them on the head. But the fact is she is thriving - she's grown, has much more hair, is healthy and is a hurricane of energy and mischief and is bright and inquisitive. She looks like our child, and feels like it too.

Her words are ever increasing and she's growing in confidence - quite able to boss Mummy (and Daddy) about.

And how are we doing? - well parenting is not brain surgery, it's a lot of common sense and patience but is well worth the rewards. There are times when it's not been easy - and I'm not going to pretend otherwise, but we are a team and are working it out. Currently it's full on because we can't use childcare or sitters so there's a lot of compromise to ensure we both get some space and breathing time.

But she's brilliant and we love her to bits and there's nothing better than hearing your child laugh or watch her explore and discover things or watch her sleeping. Or laughing at her way of saying things or singing "Wo Wo Wo" at the top of her voice.

And the cats? Well they are realising that she's not going anywhere and are adjusting too. Still a bit miffed, but cats do miffed so well and milk it a little bit.

Hopefully will be able to update this more regularly, but for now I need to go as she's woken up.

Z x

Adoption - an altruistic act? This is not about charity.

2011-04-12T15:30:00.003+01:00

Edited to add, as this post seems to have stirred some controversy that this is not aimed at my friends and family who have given so much love and encouragement - this is about well meaning strangers who have managed to day the wrong thing at the wrong time. Also this blog is about me and my little family and the ups and downs of our adoption story. There will be good and bad times and I will write about both. And if you do take it personally, please read this post twice, because honestly it's about Poppet and not you! :o)

Let's get this straight. We did not decide on adoption because we want to be admired or need self validation. We chose adoption because we want a family and it was a choice we made because we couldn't do it any other way. I find it really patronising when people tell me what an amazing thing we're doing because we are doing it for our family. Not because we want to HELP someone as an act of charity. We want our child/ren to reach their potential just like any other parents, we want Poppet to grow up enjoying life and to be able to explore the world with options for her future.

At the same time I also get frustrated with people, albeit well meaning, telling us that certain things are normal. Fact is there are some behaviours that are totally normal and age appropriate and certain things that are not. It does not help to tell me that when she hits the terrible twos it will get worse - it probably will do. Not because we've hit the terrible twos but because the honeymoon period ends. Ironically that will be during the terrible twos, so it will be age appropriate, but the fact is ALL adoptive children have this time. Many of them are stuck at the age they were removed and many regress to babyhood even when they are 8!

We have a child that has gone through so much in such a short time. She's lived in several different places, has had multiple carers and it is obvious that BM did not give her much attention when they were together - she hates me being on the phone or sending a text or Matt being on the computer when in the same room as us. She tantrums if I go out of the room, or don't pick her up, but completely ignores and avoids me when in a room full of people, preferring to go to anyone else. But this is what we expected because we've been through the workshops and read books and articles and so although it's hard we know that with hard work we can all get through it. But many adoptions fail and so we are mindful that we do need to work hard at this - and try and do the best for her, encourage and nurture her but without pushing her.

This is useful in explaining a little about how it is different with adopted children and this is a very helpful article (abridged) about how children reject affection

Things that I am doing to encourage attachment at the moment are using baby lotion and rubbing it into her skin after her bath; dancing with her on my hip and when she will let me holding her close and rocking her. This is also so new to the three of us - she has to do a lot more adjustment than us. Although our world is changed, she has to cope with new carers, new family, a new environment and her little mind has to adapt to all of it.

I don't want to be a neurotic mum - I'm happy for her to climb and play in the garden and explore, but at the same time I also have to manage her needs and I am learning to do that. She needs to learn that Matt and I are permanent fixture and that she is not going to be moved again and that it is us that will look after her and not other random people.

So this is the path we've taken and it's exciting and scary. And while things can go wrong with any child, we know that adopted children need a little extra to beat the odds. But we're in it for the long haul - we're a family and don't expect plaudits, just support and love and understanding.

Z

The pitter patter of tiny feet

2011-04-09T15:39:00.000+01:00

So Poppet has been with us for about 10 days now. And of course the house feels different. And somehow at times it feels like it's always been like this and at other times I wonder how it all happened.

Bringing her home permanently was strange. We arrived at the designated time and of course the SW was late. Poppet seemed aware something was up - and was studiously avoiding everyone. But we went outside and played with her and then suddenly we were saying good bye to the fostercarers and feeling terribly emotional and then we were on the way home. We went to the shops, came home and had lunch and put her down for her nap and of course we didn't have to get her ready to go back and so just did our thing really.

And that's how it's been. Continuing with her routine, trying to work out what food to give her - her FCs are plain food people and that's what she's been used to. So we've had a few standby ready meals and jars at the the ready. Lunch and breakfast are quite straight forward but dinners not so much and I've been finding it quite stressful, but we're getting there.

And this week it was just the two of us as Matt went back to work and on the whole it's been good. She is a mini hurricane and it's obvious that she needs to go out of a morning so we are going to try out Tumbletots and explore what's on locally. Playgrounds are scary as she is fearless and will climb and want to do what the older children do! After lunch she naps and we have the Wiggles on and play and it's much more low key until dinner and then Matt comes home and they play and he puts her to bed. So we're finding our rhythm and we're all adapting to this new way of life including the cats who are getting more resigned to this noisy new thing and are finding their ways of coping.

I've been feeling very anxious - I think this is totally normal for any new mum - and not sleeping well, so went to the doctor's and have a high dose antihistamine to help me sleep and hopefully I'll get back into a decent sleep pattern. I'm not physically tired (I think my job has been very useful in that sense) but more mentally exhausted. Once I'm sleeping again I'm hoping that nap time will be more productive and I can start doing a bit of exercise.

It's hard to know when dealing with a small person how they are coping - she generally sleeps well and is a happy outgoing little thing - but she also may have attachment issues and as she can't express her feelings through words, and indeed probably couldn't anyway it's an unknown quantity.

We have a lot of laughs together and she loves to hug and kiss the cats and toys and even the weather girl on TV, as well as us. So one wonders if she's bonding. But there are moments that are lovely, like when she gives Matt a food covered kiss when he comes home from work, or when she comes and leans into my legs. And she takes turns in favouring one of us.

She also seems to want to test us with her behaviour - lots of tantrums when she can't have her own way and if one of us leaves the room. Of course a lot of this is age appropriate, but also we have to be mindful that it's also typical of adopted children - especially one where she's been moved around and removed from the people who cared for her - be it birth mum or various FC and even SWs. Of course she's going to feel insecure. And honestly? It's a good sign that she does feel insecure - I'd be more worried if she didn't.

Z

Introductions - coming to our house and meeting the cats

2011-04-01T15:49:00.000+01:00

I think the last few days have been the most emotional. It's hard to put into words the feelings that we have both been feeling. Apart from being exhausted! But it's been a mixture of delight and terror and sadness and joy.

On Sunday Poppet visited with her FCs - they stayed for tea and biscuits and this gave us an opportunity to introduce her to the cats for the first time. Blue, who is the most sociable, was the perfect choice to start with and he came in voluntarily. Berry stayed out of the way and went into a bit of a sulk. We showed how to stroke him gently and all went well. She wanted to see the house and explored a bit. After a couple of hours they went home.

Monday came and they drove her to us (as well as most of her toys). This time they didn't stay long, but left her so we were able to spend more time getting used to the new house, playing with her toys and the garden and terrorising the cats. We had our first "at home" meals and a nap in her new cot. The nap did not result in much sleep but she played happy and chatted away to herself. Although this was good in a sense, it also shows that she is almost too self sufficient - that she was used to being left on her own when she was with her mum in the mother and baby unit. After dinner we all got in the car and she tried out the new car seat which she seem to get used to quickly.

We took her back to the FCs and put her to bed. We stayed at Fawlty Towers again - this time in a better room as they were less busy. We ate there and no, we didn't have the Wardolf Salad, but actually surprisingly nice food. Both of us crashed out. I woke in the wee small hours having an anxiety attack - I have had them before, but not for a while. I managed to get back to sleep but in the morning I felt teary and stressed. It was all starting to feel more real. But also it has stirred all sorts of emotions - about my fertility, about me as a woman and a person. It's exciting but daunting and a huge responsibility.

That day we went to the FCs and had a meeting with the SWs (this involves a cast of 1000s). It was great to hear the FCs say that they felt that things were going well and all of a sudden it was agreed that we could bring her home for good on Wednesday. And signed and sealed! Eeek!

As her last part time day with us, we took her home to a house full of plastic toys (gah, some age appropriate and some not so much. Unfortunately she has a lot of things that had been given to her by her birth family, which are not wonderful- like the toy buggy which is designed for a much older child. She loves it though and we did laugh a lot when Blue decided that it was the perfect bed for him and he climbed into it.

Another long drive back to the FCs and then home this time. Was weird to this that this was the last night in the house just the two of us humans.

More about bringing her home for good soon

Z x

Introductions - learning to fall in love and forming bonds

2011-03-27T22:11:00.000+01:00

One of the things that people assume is that once you have been matched, that's it, your child comes home but these days it's much more complicated. In my last post I talked about how we provided the foster carer (FC) with a book, cd and pictures from us. She used them with Poppet (I am calling her this for privacy reasons) to get used to our faces and voices, as well as our house and cats.

Remember, this is a 17 month old who has been in this placement for 5 months and her background is complicated, and although she has been in care for most of her short life it's involved moving around a lot and many carers so it's likely that she has not formed good attachments to any one person.

It's important that she feels comfortable with us and can start to fall in love with us, and us with her. And this is different to having just seen pictures and video clips - I guess it's a bit like internet dating. Everything on paper seems perfect but it's about chemistry and building trust in order to build attachment. And "looked after" children need this handled very carefully because most of them have had trauma and neglect in their early lives and even pre-birth stress can cause brain development to be delayed, which can cause issues with behaviour, development and even some mental illness, sometimes later in life. Not to mention effects that alcohol and drugs may have had.

Poppet is one of the lucky ones - because she was in care very early - but even then we need to make sure that she builds attachment to us properly and appropriately. I've since realised that I know someone who had attachment disorder and it caused a lot of issues for her later in life with maintaining good friendships and relationships. Now I know that this is the case I have a lot more understanding of her behaviour, but it caused a lot of heartache at the time.

Most children form such strong bonds with their mothers, and fathers, especially these days as we have a lot of information and encouragement for that. Having not had the luxury of a pregnancy and baby bonding, we need to start from scratch.

Day 1 - Softly softly

‎:o)

We met with the FCs and what seemed like 3 billion social workers (SWs) to plan the next days - lots of paper work and discussion about how to handle various issues etc.

We had a break to allow her FC to go home and give her lunch and have a break and then at 2.30 turned up nervously to meet her for the first time. We were dressed, at the suggestion of our SW, in the clothes we were wearing in one of the photographs of us - rather loud shirts but very recognisable.

She was an absolute sweetie. We needed to hold back, for her to start to come to us and to build trust slowly. It is a temptation to want to give her a cuddle, but this is about her needs, not ours and we enjoyed watching her toddle around and play in a safe environment. She relaxed a little more when the SW left and started to interact with us more.

We only stayed for a couple of hours, and went home feeling happy and excited at seeing how bright and cute she is. It's an hours drive home.

Day 2 - emotional roller coaster!
We have another drive back to her FC's and had to be there by 9 as she had to go to the dietician with her. I think that this is when she started to realise that things were a little different with us and she started to pay us more attention, looking at us carefully, and starting to come up to touch us. We were able to play peek a boo and look at books with her and then we gave her lunch where we ate with her and fed her. She's a lot more comfortable with us. We leave after lunch, forgoing a planned shopping trip for me to visit a friend who is very sick and a both feeling absolutely shattered and emotionally drained.

Day 3 - nappy training today ;o) matt got the nasty one!
We were glad of a bit of a lie in and panicked a little when we realised that we were due to be there at 10 and not 11. But we got there on time and had more time with her - again feeding her and playing and starting to change nappies. Funnily enough, it's the thing that most people think is going to be difficult but in fact I don't think we found it too bad, it's part of life really and you just get on with it. And again, it helps to build trust and attachment when you do "parental" things.

We had longer with her, and put her down for a nap and stayed for dinner. As we wanted to give the FCs a bit of space we used nap time as time to get some shopping done - like the buggy and some other bits. She already has a pair of nice patent black Clarks but needed something for running around in so we got some Clarks trainers and I also got her some little outfits that are more my style. She loved the shoes and was happy to run about in them.

When we left she cried - hopefully a good sign, although that sounds odd!

That night we stayed at a local hotel (Fawlty Towers) which was an experience as it hadn't been renovated since 1979!

Day 4. Matt has another woman in his life who likes shoes. Especially pink ones with lights. And she can say the word "shooes". Oh oh

Unfortunately she had a bit of a dodgy tummy and so we got the full fun of dealing with a really nasty nappy when she got up and some sick after nap time. So we limited food and made sure she was drinking enough fluid.

But we still went to the park and she explored and just enjoyed being outside and looking at the horses.

She is very bright - has a lot of words and can babble away and even said "daddy" - as well as "shoes" and "wass that" and she is starting to put sentences together. She understands a lot too. And is wanting to learn and copy. She's allowing us to pick her up and will kiss and come to Mummy and Daddy (us!!). She also cried when we left which reinforced the feeling that she might (hopefully!) be forming more of an attachment to us.

Day 5 - Poorly poppet
The tummy bug (caught from the baby also at the FC's) developed and over night she was very unwell so when we arrived at 11 she was grizzly and had a temperature. I took her and after a while she settled in my arms and cuddle and eventually fell asleep. Poor tot had very little to eat but was drinking and perked up a bit after her nap and some capol. We played a bit in the garden and sang songs! I'm becoming good at Twinkle Twinkle and If you're happy and you know it (with added verse of "If you're happy and you know it wiggle your bum").

We stayed until bedtime, had stories and put her to bed.

The next day we all had a day off. She had perked up and we spoke on the phone I will continue in my next post and talk about her coming to us and meeting the cats!

It's a Match!

2011-03-10T08:43:00.001Z

Finally last night we went to matching panel - and it was a yes. We meet our little girl in less than two weeks.

We are feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, emotional but mostly excited and joyful.

This is a summary of the process that we've been through. I may have written bits about it previously, but hopefully this gives an overall picture of what we've gone through!

We have been quite lucky with the process - it was hard finding a local authority to take us (for various reasons not just cancer) but we finally found one and they have been brilliant. We went to an open evening, then had a home visit (in September 2009). They requested that we have early medicals due to hubby being diabetic and my cancer (I waited until I was 2 years clear) and then they put us on the waiting list for the preparation workshops.

Those started in January last year and were brilliant - very emotional at times but very well done and realistic. We got to meet foster parents and adoptive parents and we talked openly about fertility issues with other couples, and things like child development, birth families and trauma and loss - all things that we will be dealing with. Other issues too. It is a roller coaster of emotion, and really makes you question your motives.

After that we officially applied, were accepted and went through the approval process. We had about 12 meetings with our social worker on a weekly basis - they took 2-3 hours. Sometimes individually but usually together. We also had A LOT of home work. It's very time consuming and you need to be flexible. We're lucky as both of us have jobs that allow working from home or time during the day. Social workers have lives too and do not want to be at people's houses til late at night.

What helped us was from the outset agreeing that we would be totally honest and open - no skeletons in the cupboards. That included admitting that we'd used drugs in our youth, and talking about family issues that were uncomfortable. I think that this is the bit that worries people, but remember this, social workers have seem it all. Literally. Whatever you have done in the past is never going to be as bad as some of the things that have seen, which is the tragedy of it all. If you are honest, good people who are emotionally mature enough to talk about things openly, they won't judge. They don't care if there's a little bit of dust in your house - they want to see a realistic picture, a completely pristine home is as much as a warning to them as anything else - how are you going to cope with a small messy person?

We didn't get asked about our sex life (we're pretty tactile so I think it was obvious that we are close) - they did ask others though. They didn't check our fridge (I have heard that can happen), but we lead a healthy lifestyle and that's pretty obvious.

We thought long and hard about our references - in the end we chose my mum and stepdad as our family one (just because they are closer distance wise), my good and old friend Clare (we spend a lot of time with her family and especailly their daughter) and the parents of Matt's best mate (have known him since uni). We were told that they were excellent choices because they were able to give different but positive and honest views of us individually and as a couple. The SW also met Matt's parents.

Once the report was written, we had a second opinion visit - we did get some curly questions then - and we were able to read the report. It was all very positive.

In November we had Approval Panel which was nerve wracking - I won't lie! We went into a room and faced about 13 people. I was so nervous I couldn't talk and Matt suddenly had verbal diarrhea. But they were lovely. Again we got asked less questions than we were expecting, but they were very complimentary about our SW's report. We were sent out of the room, and got called back later to tell us we were approved!

Next was the matching process - i have to say that we have been unusually lucky as it's been incredibly fast for us, but it's much more about the child and finding the right parents than finding the right child for us. We were not expecting anything to happen until after we got back from holiday in January.

In December we were due to have a next steps meeting with our SW but she emailed us and told us that she was going to bring details of a child. We had her permanance report (a summary of her background) and a little DVD. And we knew she was right for us. Just before we left for Aus we were in the middle of packing up the kitchen and the SWs came again - this time with the SW who had known her since birth. She had to decide if she felt we were right and thankfully she did!

While we were away the SWs had a matching meeting. Now often there are several couples being considered but our circumstances were unusual - they had already rejected a couple of couples and another had opted out so it was just us, and again that went through.

When we got back we were dealing with no kitchen (still not finished) and had more meetings - with SWs, her foster carer, her brothers' adoptive mother, the medical advisor and also read more detailed records.

We also prepared her room, and got together a book of pictures of us, the house, the cats and grandparents for her fostercarer to give her if it was a match. Also placemats with our picture and a CD of us reading stories.

So last night we had matching panel - we had 3 social workers with us this time, and we found it a lot less intimidating - partly because we knew what to expect and partly because we had met some of the people, and recognised other's faces. Again we were not asked many questions but more were directed to the SWs'. They passed around the book which we'd done and loved it. They didn't even send us out of the room to deliberate, just told us then and there that it was a unanimous agreement that it's a match!

So the rest of our lives start here. And another adventure begins!

Z x

Long over due post - adoption panel

2010-11-11T16:03:00.001Z

The last fe months have been exhaysting - balancing work, exam revision and practise with the adoption process which has pretty much taken up a day a weel (almost) for months. We've had homework and have gone through our lives with a fine tooth comb, but finally we had our date for panel.

It was at 8 so we met beforehand for food (a bit of a nightmare for various reasons) and then met our SW.

We sat in the waiting room (was like waiting outside the head mistress's office) and chatted and I kept on jumping every time someone opened the door. Eventually a smiley woman came in and introduced herself as the vice chair and showed us through.

We walked into a room with 10-12 people sitting around three sides of a large table - we sat down and they introduced themselves. It was a range of SWs, lawyers, medical advisors, councillors and also a couple of women who had been adopted themselves.

I realised that I was shaking uncontrollably. They asked us a "warm up" question which was what did we think of the process and then they complimented our SW on her report and asked her what we were like and she was complimentary about us, and the cats got a special mention (they even had a picture of them!)

Then they asked a couple more serious questions - things like what sort of child did we see ourself with and other things. I realised that my quiet hubby had suddenly developed verbal diarrhoea and I couldn't get a word in edgeways. I was also still shaking.

They then showed us out and we went back to the waiting room, but hadn't had time to sit down when we were called in. We sat down and they told us that they were happy to let us know that they were going to recommend us for approval!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They also commented on how we are very open and obviously mutually supportive and how we have a very supportive network around us.

So very good news, we are absolutely shattered. And very happy, though it seems a bit surreal at the moment.

We have some nice things lined up - a weekend in Vienna and Christmas and a some concerts and a trip to Aus while we take our mind off waiting for a match. Not to mention the new kitchen that we need and the sorting out of rooms that we have to do!

Z

Joseph H Pilates

2010-03-05T10:56:00.002Z

Joseph Pilates was born in Germany in 1883 from Greek ancestory. A sickly child he decided to devote himself to improving his health through fitness, coming to beleive that lifestyle, posture and inefficient breathing were the source of bad health in "modern" times.

He devised a series of exercises and became a gymnast and body builder, eventually moving to England and working with various bodies, including Scotland Yard, training people in self defence.

During WW1 he was interned in a prisoner of war camp due with other German citizens and started to work on an integrated, comprehensive system of physical exercise, which he himself called "Contrology." He used this on the other prisoners, training then in fitness and exercise - and it is believed that the inmates survived the flu pandemic of 1918 thanks to their physical fitness.

After release he worked as a hospital orderly, using bed springs to offer light resistance exercises to patients, an idea which later evolved into the Pilates Cadillac or Trapeze Table. He also worked with others, like Rudolph Laban (a dancer, choreograper and theorist whose work laid the foundations for Laban Movement Analysis and other more specific developments in dance notation. He is considered to be one of the most important figures in the history of European contemporary dance. I trained at his school in London).

In 1926 he moved to New York and married Clara. Together they established a studio and worked on developing Contrology, encouraging the use of the mind to control the muscles. It focuses attention on core postural muscles that help keep the human body balanced and provide support for the spine. In particular, Pilates exercises teach awareness of breath and of alignment of the spine, and strengthen the deep torso and abdominal muscles.

Among his clients were dancers such as Martha Graham and George Balanchine, who appreciated how the exercise method created long, lean muscles without building bulk. Soon, some of his students ("disciples") began opening studios of their own.

He died in 1967. Most of his disciples have gone on to set up schools of their own. Moira Stott Merrithew, trained under Romana Kryzanowska. She had been the principle ballerina with the City Ballet of Toronto and a neck injury prompted her to adapt some of the principles she learned in New York to be more in tune with contemporary exercise science, founding Stott Pilates, the discipline I'm trained under.

Pilates

2010-02-18T12:14:00.000Z

I get a lot of people asking me about what Pilates is.

Firstly, the name is Pilates and not Pilate. It's named after Joseph Pilates who founded the movent early in the 20th century. More about him later!

It's a form of exercise that is designed to strengthen and lengthen the muscles. It's primary focus is the core - so the muscles around the pelvis, abdomen and spine - but also the other muscles in the body. It also trains the deep muscles (local muscles) which are essential for spinal and joint stability, as well as the global muscles which are larger and more superficial and tend to be normally the focus in a standard gym environment.

Most people have seen or heard of Pilates in the gym as mat classes. These can be great but often the classes are large and people come and go so you might not get the full benefit if you've not had the basic foundation before you start.

There is also equipment involved - I teach the reformer at the moment and am about to train in the cadillac, barrel and chair. These are fantastic pieces of equipment that allow us to really cater for all levels. The reformer can be used in small classes or in 1-1 training whereas the other equipment is better for 1-1.

The reformer has a sliding carriage which glides along rollers and has a system of springs for resistance. It can be used for a wide variety of exercises. We don't use weights but instead the springs allow for gradual resistance as the muscles contract - this means longer leaner looking muscles and not bulky ones! it also means that the muscles are being used to their full capacity in a safe way with less stress on the tendons and ligaments. Additionally we can work on flexibility as well as strength.

I trained with STOTT PILATES® which is a modern take of Pilates' original method - they've worked with people like physios and sports medicine and fitness professionas. Whereas other methods work with a straight back, for example, we focus on the spine's natural curves aiming to strengthen the muscles around the back and shoulder. Read the info on the link as it's really interesting!

But this means we can train people from those who need rehabilitation from injury etc all the way up to elite atheletes.

I hope that helps some. Will write about Joseph Pilates more at another point.

Z

Check up at the Marsden

2010-02-10T17:17:00.000Z

You must all think I'm mad getting so worked up about a check up, but it's odd as my brain knows rationally that everything is probably ok but my body reacts differently - it's a physical thing and it's always worse at this time of year because it's also the anniversary of my chemoradiation and my body reacts to that before I remember.

This time was worse as I have a lump under my left boob. It's huge and moves and is uncomfortable if I wear a sports bra. Any how they do think I should have it removed but don't think it's anything sinister so will have to wait for a referral and everything else is fine.

So am very relieved. I've seen so many people have recurrences over the years and have lost some dear friends and I think that although I feel fine (good actually) it's in the back of my head that I was feeling ok (apart from being really tired) before my diagnosis.

Still feel a bit better after a chat and cake with my mum. It's a good tradition.

Z x

Weightloss

2010-02-08T11:17:00.000Z

As an aside I decided to track my weightloss - it's been a long slow process, with a few glitches on the way but is a downward trend and definately very positive!

Z

My Weight Chart:

Another step forward

2010-02-05T17:35:00.000Z

We had our first adoption workshop on Wednesday and I found it hugely beneficial. Both of us were pretty apprehensive as we'd seen the agenda and it was all about dealing with loss and grief. I was worried that it would force us to bring up some things that we dealt with and also that it might be a bit touchy feely.

We were even more stressed when we got there as we'd been caught up in traffic and it took us 2 1/2 hours to get there and so we were very late. Not a good start!

There were quite a few other couples there (about 8) and one single woman. As the day progressed it was interesting to hear people's stories about why they want to adopt - some were like us and dealing with infertility in various guises and others already had children and wanted to add to their families. We talked about the relevancy of the workshops to all of us and had various exercises to work through some of the issues.

The first and the one I was nervous about was feeling cards - I was worried that we'd have to talk about emotions and things, but instead it was cards with statements on them such as "I'm not sure this is relevant to me", "will there be other people in my situation" and so on. They described the feelings and scenarios of different types of adopters and we discussed them in small groups. It was interesting to step into other people's shoes and consider how they might be feeling about their situation and adoption.

Then after a cuppa we were split into gender groups and talked about the motivation behind the adoption, about our experiences with infertility, other people's reactions to us and how we felt about it. Again it was great to share with the others about it and realise that in many cases although our circumstances were different our feelings were very similar. We also watched a couple of short dvds which I thought were a bit strange, one was quite 70s and a bit idealised whereas the other was from the man's perspective and was rather blokey - as women we thought it was quite funny.

We had lunch and were able to chat with the others a bit more, then straight back to the workshop.

To combat post lunch fatigue we had to create road maps of our lives, our desire to be parents and so one. This involved some Blue Peter creativity and glue, scissors and coloured pencils - was also interesting to see who could share valuable assets like scissors. It was a lot of fun and had us all sitting on the floor like we were at play group. We were using images of road signs and there was some hilarity at finding where some images would fit!

We also did an exercise where we talked about loss - not necessarily about fertility but other events in our lives that have been significant. This could be anything from loss of a parent, or a job or even identity, and how we felt and dealt with the grief it caused. There are several different stages of dealing with loss - things like anger, grief, denial, acceptance etc. Then we moved on to talking about how a child may be dealing with loss when he or she is adopted - loss of birth parents, loss of foster parents, then being moved away from school and friends and so on. And how loss can come up for adoptive parents and children over the years.

It was a long day and very tiring but I think we both felt pretty positive afterwards. It gave us a lot to think about, and also answered some questions. I also think that it helped me to meet other people who are at exactly the same stage as us and that was reassuring because you hear lots of adoption stories but it's good to have people going through it at the same time as us. Also we all found a lot to laugh about and that was also helpful to break the ice. Some of these people may become friends and others not, but they will be part of our future in a way and it's good that all of us can see the funny side of things.

Z

Of cars and craziness

2010-01-28T11:21:00.000Z

I have decided that Prius drivers are the new BMW drivers - but what makes them worse is not only do they not seem to have indicators and like to undertake, they also seem to have a holier than thou attitude because they are doing their "bit" for the environment. I wonder what else they've done? Of course it annoys me even more that they don't have to pay congestion charge.

(brief interlude as I panic as I think I forgot to pay mine yesterday and go off to check)

I had forgotten to pay. Luckily remembered before the barstwards could fine me. Am coveting a cute Fiat 500 - they are v popular but ideal for driving around the narrow streets of London and much easier to park. I do love our Audi, but would love to be able to parallel park in smaller spaces.

Have been really busy at work - the early mornings and late nights are tough (and are going to be harder as I start to have 6 am clients but have jiggled my hours and will have wednesdays off. Of course some of those are going to be absorbed by the adoption workshops. The first one is next week and I'm quite nervous about it as it's really looking into if adoption is the right thing for you and talking about dealing with your fertility. I think I am pretty much over it but it will be hard to go through the process of talking about it again.

But after that, assuming everything is ok, the next lot sound really interesting - talking about different children and scenarios and challenges that we might face. Of course the annoying thinig is, that it clashes with my pilates training and so march is going to be a tough month, trying to be in several places at once. It's all a bit overwhelming but we will manage. I guess we just have to be a little more organised!

Wanted to add a shout out for my friend's shop www.quirkyboutique.com - some lovely lovely tattoo inspired cards and jewellery and other fun things, arrives beautifully presented.

Z

Chicken and mushroom Risotto for 2

2010-01-28T11:12:00.001Z

The lovely Wendy asked me to post my recipe, so I will!

Ingredients

1 tsp olive oil
1 large onion chopped
2 cloves of garlic
250 g mushrooms (the brown ones)
75g aborio rice
200 g cooked chicken (left over from roast!)
1/2 tsp dried thyme
125 ml white wine
hot chicken stock (around 750 ml)
grated parmesan (about 20 g)

Sweat the onion and garlic in the oil and add the mushrooms, cook until the mushrooms start to soften. Add rice and stir until the rice starts to glisten. Add the chicken, thyme and wine and stir until wine is absorbed. Keep adding stock and stirring until the rice is al dente. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Add half the parmesan. Serve with a green salad, and top with the remaining parmesan and ground black pepper.

Cervical Cancer Prevention Week 24th - 30th January 2010

2010-01-22T14:31:00.000Z

http://www.jotrust.co.uk/

Butter or Marg?

2010-01-20T16:14:00.000Z

There was a debate on the Motley Fool website about butter, if value butter was any good and if butter was better etc etc I was reminded of this poem - I used to love AA Milne's poems, still do really!

The King's Breakfast
The King asked
The Queen, and
The Queen asked
The Dairymaid:
"Could we have some butter for
The Royal slice of bread?"
The Queen asked the Dairymaid,
The Dairymaid
Said, "Certainly,
I'll go and tell the cow
Now
Before she goes to bed."

The Dairymaid
She curtsied,
And went and told
The Alderney:
"Don't forget the butter for
The Royal slice of bread."
The Alderney
Said sleepily:
"You'd better tell
His Majesty
That many people nowadays
Like marmalade
Instead."

The Dairymaid
Said, "Fancy!"
And went to
Her Majesty.
She curtsied to the Queen, and
She turned a little red:
"Excuse me,
Your Majesty,
For taking of
The liberty,
But marmalade is tasty, if
It's very
Thickly
Spread."

The Queen said
"Oh!:
And went to
His Majesty:
"Talking of the butter for
The royal slice of bread,
Many people
Think that
Marmalade
Is nicer.
Would you like to try a little
Marmalade
Instead?"

The King said,
"Bother!"
And then he said,
"Oh, deary me!"
The King sobbed, "Oh, deary me!"
And went back to bed.
"Nobody,"
He whimpered,
"Could call me
A fussy man;
I only want
A little bit
Of butter for
My bread!"

The Queen said,
"There, there!"
And went to
The Dairymaid.
The Dairymaid
Said, "There, there!"
And went to the shed.
The cow said,
"There, there!
I didn't really
Mean it;
Here's milk for his porringer,
And butter for his bread."

The Queen took
The butter
And brought it to
His Majesty;
The King said,
"Butter, eh?"
And bounced out of bed.
"Nobody," he said,
As he kissed her
Tenderly,
"Nobody," he said,
As he slid down the banisters,
"Nobody,
My darling,
Could call me
A fussy man -
BUT
I do like a little bit of butter to my bread!"

Alan Alexander Milne

Roast pepper and tomato soup

2010-01-13T22:02:00.000Z

Made this tonight - perfect winter weather food. Diet friendly, delicious and easy. Adapted from an Asda recipe.

900g Tomatoes, halved
2 red peppers, quartered and de-seeded
1 medium red onion, finely sliced
2 garlic cloves
2tbsp olive oil
1 stock cube (veggie or chicken)
1tbsp Sweet Chilli Sauce
1 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
4tbsp creme fraiche

Method

Preheat the oven to 200C/180CFan/Gas 5. Put the tomatoes, peppers, onion and garlic cloves in a roasting tin and drizzle over the olive oil. Toss the vegetables so that they're well coated. Cook in the oven for 50 minutes, turning the vegetables half way through.

Dissolve the stock cube in 500ml of hot water. Puree the roasted vegetables with the stock in a blender or food processor (you may need to do this in two batches), then pass it through a sieve if you prefer the soup without the tomato seeds and tiny flecks of skin

Pour the soup into a pan, add the sweet chilli sauce and Worcestershire sauces and reheat gently. Serve with a swirl of creme fraiche.

Snowed in again

2010-01-13T09:41:00.000Z

Well wasn't expecting this much snow again. Apparently nor were the council who managed to not grit ANY of the main roads. I realised I wasn't going to make it in by 7.30 and called my colleague who was in with an early client - she agreed to take my client (who apparently didn't show up anyway). Attempted to make it in for my 9.30 but scared myself when driving in so stopped, turned around and drove home. A 20 minute round trip took over an hour.

Most people were driving really sensibly, especially the lorry driver behind me who was keeping a 100 yard distance. Apart from a couple of UTTER numpties - like the German woman in a mini who pushed in and cut me up and thought it was funny. She had a child in the back. Did she not realise that the reason everyone was driving slowly was because it was DANGEROUS? Idiot. It's just not worth risking your life or someone else's?

Any way home and safe now. Was amused by this - cheered me up anyway!

Argh - frustrations abound.

2010-01-11T12:22:00.001Z

The snow still is hanging around and is starting to get annoying now. I'm over it. Am am very glad that we invested in a wood burning stove - it's making a big difference to our winters. And contrary to popular opinion, it's not a bad thing to have one either. There are enviormental benefits - we are using less gas as the thermostat is lower and we are keeping our main room very toasty; even though our area is a smoke control area, the stove is so efficient and clean it's fine for us to use, we use seasoned wood which burns more efficiently and most wood you get here is from sustainable sources.

Yes you do have a bit of work to do (well Matt does in our case) in keeping it clean, but it's not much as there's very little ash. And you do have to keep an eye on it - but that's fire. There's very little better on a horrible cold winter's day than lighting a fire and cuddling up with the cats.

And this morning I'm doing invoices - very boring but at least I get paid at the end! Need to do my tax return this week, which is more boring and does not involve payment at the end. Some times it's depressing being grown up!

I got a bit pissed off last week having been so pleased about the MacMillian report (see last post) I posted it on Jo's and promptly got told by another poster that I might be scaring people who might then not take treatment. You know, it's really really important that we talk about these things. When I had treatment I made sure that I was well researched and knew my options, BUT there's very little known or published about radiotherapy side effects.

I know a few people who have had cancer and are dealing with side effects, or recurrances and need to talk about these issues and I know that as an organisation Jo's is really supportive of that. It was set up as a support for people dealing with cancer. Sometimes, because of the Jade thing, it seems like the focus is on CIN, but we should not be afraid of talking about cancer related issues. WE HAVE TO, it's so so important. Ultimately I'd rather people make informed choices than get half truths, and in the end to have or not have treatment is a personal decision.

The fact is that cancer is terrifying, but if you have a diagnosis of CIN you've not got cancer and frankly it's easily treatable. When we talk about what has happened to us POST cancer it should never ever be an excuse not to have treatment. And I think that those who are going through the cancer treatment should also have honesty about what might happen afterwards. I think sometimes these things are glossed over by the consultants because really they want to get us well.

When we saw Dr Andreyev talk at the Let's Meet it was very informative - he has a huge waiting list of people who have had pelvic radiation and need after care on bowel damage. He's only one of FOUR in the world (I sound like Jeremy Clarkson) who specialise in this. I think that's dreadful. So for me to see this article was a celebration. And I know that Dr Andreyev is very frustrated that the oncologists work so hard to save our lives but forget about what happens afterwards. (as an aside I know of men who have had prostrate cancer and have had major problems with this)

In the end treatment is about working so hard to save lives and it's incredibly important to have that in perspective. I am so glad that I'm still here and am very very mindful of those of us who are not. I absolutely refuse to stop talking about the fact that cancer can kill and that being a survivor is a wonderful wonderful thing but it also brings heartache and other issues that are hard to talk about with people who have not been through it. And I'm not, absolutely not, going to stop talking about those things.

2010

2010-01-08T17:13:00.000Z

Who knew that we'd start this year with snow? It seems fitting for a new decade to start so pristinely white. But of course it's chaos and dirty ice so soon and the novelty is fading fast. And it's damn cold for the UK in January.

Funny to think that I saw the millenium in Sydney's summer and how much has happened since then.

In those days I was living in Sydney and had been working in the internet/advertising/business consultancy world. I had been very happy in the small consultancy I was in but we'd been bought out by a large advertising agency and it got horribly political with some nasty people pushing me out. I was freelancing and when at a wedding in the UK heard about another job, applied and after some weird interviews (phone and flying back for a weekend) came back to London as Managing Editor for an internet portal.

Loved the job - had some "interesting" experiences when my bosses decided to allow porn on it!

The 9/11 happened and the owners used that as an excuse to make us all redundant. Since then I retrained, became a manager of an online mail order company, got made redundant, and a day later got another, similar job.

While all that was going on I made new friends and Matt, bought a house, got married and adopted Blue and Berry. And then, of course my cancer diagnosis and the start of this blog.

This decade sees me start my next round of pilates training. My boss is pregnant so I will be taking on a lot more when she goes on maternity leave. And we are moving ahead with the adoption process and start prep workshops next month.

My goals are pretty short term on the whole - to get through all of that in one piece. We hope to go to Aus to see Col in early 2011 and hopefully be approved for adoption by then. Those outcomes will effect the rest of the decade hugely. It's all positive and I am looking forward to the next decade with Matt.

We've overcome so much together and while I know we've many more challenges ahead, I think we get through it all!

As an as aside I was very pleased that MacMillian has highlighted the issues that we face post cancer and the lack of support that we get. Oncologists do a great job in saving lives but without much thought to what happens afterwards and while I am so grateful to the job they do I do wish that there was more support for radiotherapy damage. I don't think that things will ever be the same.

Z x

Meme

2009-12-02T13:12:00.001Z

So my friend who is known as Rosamundi in the blogging world has nominated me as a gorgeous person. Which is very flattering. This means that I am to list six things relating to myself that are generally unknown, and mention six blogs or bloggers I consider gorgeous.

First things first:
1. I hate melon. It's an odd thing to hate but I don't like the smell and that effects the taste. Makes me feel sick.
2. I have lost 2 stone. It's a slow slow process but worth it.
3. I can't digest fibre anymore. Radiotherapy damage means that I have to really be careful what I eat otherwise I can be unwell for days. Usually it's things like beans and pulses or whole meal bread, but can be seeds and nuts and other random foods. The last weekend was bad and I have NO clue what it was that triggered it. So I've had to ditch the diet, eat bland stodgy food and I'm feeling better today.
4. I love trashy TV - like things like Next Top Model, Strictly (ok most people know about that one), Dancing with the Stars and so on. But I hate Big Brother. (Gino to win I'm a Celeb. We luuuuuuurve him!)
5. I lived in Brazil as a child and it deeply effected the way I think about life - everything from poverty to politics. If we adopt I'd really like to do that with our children - take them to experience life in a country where there even greater differences than here. I appreciate life in the UK a lot more having seen such poverty first hand. And yet in countries like Brazil and India there is such vibrancy and life and warmth from the people. It's very humbling.
6. I read really quickly. So when I go on holiday for two weeks I have to take at least 3 books and make sure that there are back ups.

Ok so for gorgeous blogs: Well there's Miranda in the US, the beautiful Jess in the Jungle who is someone I met through Jo's and is very special. Tracey who never fails to make me laugh. Bluesoup who thinks too much. And actually that's all. I can't be arsed to think of two more at the moment. Because actually these 4 are all people who I have a lot of time for but don't see often for whatever reason.

Z
PS got a new client today. Am thrilled.

Slow cooker pot roast

2009-11-27T09:47:00.003Z

I've never been a fan of pot roast until now – this is incredibly easy and delicious.

Brisket in beer with horseradish dumplings - slow cooker

For the Brisket

1 kg brisket off the bone
2 celery stalks – chopped
2/3 carrots – chopped
100g mushrooms (quartered)
1 tbs tomato puree
1 tbs flour
1 can ale or bitter
Slug of Worcester sauce

For the dumplings:

150g self raising flour
150 grams suet (I use veggie)
4 tsp grated horseradish – you can use fresh or creamed
water

Cooking time: 8 hours minimum

Place veggies, flour, tomato puree into the slow cooker. Pour over the beer and add the Worcester sauce, Stir well. Place brisket on top, so it's partially covered by the liquid. Cook on High for at least 6 hours. Taste and season if necessary.

Then make the dumplings by mixing all the ingredients with some water to make a dough and form into dumplings. Place around the beef and cook for another 2 hours.

Remove dumplings carefully, then take out the beef and slice (will fall apart). Serve with mashed potato and the veggies spooned over and a glass of red wine!

Medical and other things

2009-10-19T15:32:00.000+01:00

So I had my medical last week. Strange seeing the doc bring out my notes from when I was a baby onwards. She seems to be happy with my health and has said that she thinks I'm fit to raise a child. Hurrah.

Was a long long form to fill in though - and like most forms had lots of space for totally irrelevant things and very little for the important stuff. You had to say things like if you've ever smoked and taken drugs. One of those things that is odd, because yes I've done both but not very much and are you honest and say yes even though it was a case of a couple of fags when I was a teenager and the occasional spliff in my 20s, or do you just lie by ommission. I opted for the former and was honest, I don't like lying and don't want it to bite me on the bum.

Or will it stand against me? I don't know. It's all very confusing. But I think honesty is the best policy, no one's perfect.

In other news had a lovely journalist come to talk to me about blogging today.

Z

Winter is coming

2009-10-14T21:32:00.000+01:00

I know this because I am sat with the TV on and there's football on. It's a boring game. There's moggie mayhem going on somewhere in the house judging by the sound of bells jingling and the occasional thump and then small, yet heavy footsteps charging about.

It was a frustrating day at work - went in at 7.30am to discover that my client was sick and had cancelled and then my free induction did not turn up. But will be a better day tomorrow - quite busy with a mixture of classes and 1-1s. And then hopefully some people will turn up for an induction that I'm running in the evening - might mean that we get some more clients at the Kew studio.

Trying not to feel too over whelmed with my schedule next week - I think it will be ok, but hectic.

Spent what seemed like a life time (but really only a couple of hours) queuing to get a visa for India only to be told that I have to go back another day to pick it up. Frustrating but par for the course really. Was able to go home and watching Dancing with the Stars with Berry and the ironing. Given that the ironing pile was starting to resemble Everest (due to the case of the missing cleaner*), this was no bad thing.

Diwali party at Corky's on the weekend. A last minute thing (Matt whinged that we'll be having a busy weekend again) but it will be fun. Fireworks, food and friends - all to get us in the mood for India. Fab!

Medical for the adoption on Friday... eek.

Z x

* our cleaner, Ania, is very sweet, very young and Polish. She does a good job with huge enthusiasm (some times a bit too thorough like when we got back from holiday and she'd put almost everything through the washing machine; if the cats had been around they would have been cleaned too). Any way she went to Poland to start planning her wedding (date for 2012) for two weeks. Four weeks later and no sign or reply to texts. I finally got through to her sister as I was getting worried (Matt was worried that she had our keys and alarm code, I was worried for her safety). Anyway, she's finally back and ok. It's good as it will be hard to keep on top of things next week. Though we've survived remarkably well.

4 years ago...

2009-10-12T17:10:00.006+01:00

I was diagnosed with cancer and I was talking to some people yesterday and one of them said to me that I've come so far. I am pretty proud of that.

I was reminded today that I haven't blogged in a while. It's been a hectic year as I'm working at Boomerang Pilates a lot - has been mad but a lot of fun. It's now two studios and I'm starting to work more at the Kew one as it's so much easier to get to.

We have started the adoption process. It's taken a while to get to the stage where things are moving forward. It's been a frustrating process just starting. BUT we've found a council who we feel comfortable with, who don't talk down to us or refuse because they are not taking white adopters, and who we feel comfortable about coming into our home and being intrusive. I do feel that there's something not quite right about the situation where there are councils saying that they are desperate for adopters, yet put people off from the word go. A little humility and kindness would go a long way I think.

So we had our home visit and the SW was terrific. We both have to have early medicals - arranged for the next couple of weeks - mine because of the cancer and Matt's because he's Type 1 Diabetic. And hopefully if that's all ok then we'll go on the preparation workshops next year.

Work's getting manic, my boss is away next week and I am covering her work - her schedule is crazy! Still will be good to earn some extra cash before we head to India in November.

In other news we have started karate and had our first grading yesterday - us and the little kids. It felt like an amazing achievement though. Will post some pics soon.

Z

It's Christmas - where did the year go?

2008-12-05T16:12:00.007Z

This year went so fast and so much happened that Matt and I barely had time to draw breath.

He DID finish the marathon - and thanks you all for your love and support. He was supposed write a note here but never got around to it. Needless to say I was incredibly proud and it was a funny moment when, just before the finish line I squeezed my way to the front of the crowd where two nice, burly blokes let me stand and shout "I LOVE YOU MATT!!" as he passed - and they both joined in shouting "WE LOVE YOU MATT" as well.

After that we concentrated on getting back to normal (huh!) and I worked hard for my exam - a series of events leading up to it (including a trip tp A&E) meant that I was very nervous and stressed and although I passed my teaching component, I failed the theory. The good news is that I retook it a few weeks ago and I'm now a Stott certified Mat and Reformer instructor.

We had a quick holiday in Barcelona which was wonderful but too short and then home to the maddess of planning a wedding at short notice. Not ours of course but Jayne and Joss finally tied the knot after 15 years - it was a wonderful time and lots of fun and love and laughter marked the celebration. (Some pics below).

Alas after the joy of that day we had just about recovered when my grandmother in Aus passed away so I had to make an emergency dash to go to the funeral - she had been sick for a long time and was quite old so in someways it was the best thing and it was a bittersweet time seeing the family.

We're so far managing to deal with the credit crunch, though you can never be too sure what around the corner - I've started working in a new pilates studio so we're trying our hardest to get new clients and while it's quiet around now due to Christmas we've pleasantly surprised - and with this experience behind me I may be able to get work in other places too.

So our Christmas this year will be spent with my Australian family in WA - it will be a new experience for Matt to have an Aussie Chrissie but we're looking forward to seeing everyone in happier times and getting some sun.

We're hoping that everyone has a happy 2009 - there's been some highs and lows that I've not been able to mention because they are not our stories although we've been involved in someway. So less of the extremes this time and let's see a new optimistic, but a bit more grounded New Year.

Merry Christmas one and all

Zoë xoxoxoxo

26.2

2008-03-28T09:09:00.003Z

This year is going quicker than Dwain Chambers on performance enhancing drugs. It's hard to believe that in two weeks my darling husband is going to run the marathon. He's been working so hard to get there and has been dealing with multiple injuries and aches and pains - but thanks to a decent support team (me and the cats, and family and a physio and personal trainer) and a lot of determination he's getting there. And I think will finish it - even if he takes all day.

A work colleague lent him the DVD of "Run Fat Boy Run" which was a bit mean but it did make us laugh and for Matt to realise that it's not about doing it in 4 hours but about achieving something incredible.

Please support him - he's doing it to raise money for the Marsden, but most importantly it's going to be an incredible achievement.

Z xx

The world keeps turning

2008-03-07T14:04:00.003Z

I was reading Hystersisters the other day and felt very sad about a story of a 22 year old women who has to have surgery for her cancer and she found it hard to tell her parents. Not for the usual reasons but because they are deeply religious and her father does not believe in medical treatment. She has decided to go ahead, knowing it's the right thing for her but also knowing that he may disown her. I can't imagine how she must feel - cancer is isolating enough without being rejected by the people you need the most.

I've been feeling a bit bleurgh this week - not sure why. Perhaps it's something to do with my results - it's all good but I sometimes feel that it's never over. Perhaps it's because I've been reading more stories about more women who are dealing with cancer and all the crap it brings.

I'm disappointed in some of the people on Jo's - not the people I know and trust, but once again there's been bitchiness. Not so much public but it makes me feel sad that people can be so cruel. It's odd how things like that immediately transport you back to school and that feeling of realising that people can be really really nasty.

And of course as much as you want to change the world you realise that you can't change people - they can only change themselves and their own behaviour and they have to acknowledge that first.

Funny too how just typing this has made me feel better - to get it out of my head!!

Z x

Hospital results - good news

2008-03-03T11:49:00.002Z

Have just got back from the hospital and the news is pretty good – my sehcat scan (the bile absorbency one) was the most normal they’d ever seen, bloods were fine. The polyp they removed was NOT cancerous (phew). I have got low level radiation damage which is the cause of my digestion issues – the not so good news is that I’ll have to watch my fibre intake forever, but can experiment a bit. Am thinking that I’m going to be conservative for a while and perhaps slowly add more fruit and veg, but not risk the pulses and wholegrains in the short/medium term. A bit relief though.

We love Dr Andreyev – you gotta love someone who you can talk to about poo without any hints of that mad Scottish bint called Gillian Mackeith, who really is full of ****.

Z xxx

Marathons, the Marsden and Me

2008-02-06T07:53:00.000Z

Matt reminded me how long it was since I've written - my mind has been on other things over the last few months which is probably a good thing. Christmas was a blur of cooking and present buying and wrapping and socialising just like it was for everyone else on the planet (who celebrates at that time of year).

I was glad it was over - although I love Christmas I found it particulary exhausting this time around. Still I loved hosting our first proper party in our house and will hopefully make it an annual event. We finished decorating the study which caused chaos but it's well worth it and is a room that is not only organised but a wonderful environment to work, create and study in.

The new year has brought fresh challenges and fresh energy for both me and Matt. He's started his marathon training in earnest (he's raising money for the Marsden which is the best hospital in the world and in need of support since the massive fire that's closed the ward I was in). I'm so proud of him!! We will be prodding people for sponsorship so be warned!! We were also relieved that Matt's company chose to renew his contract for another year - after a scary December when they announced and implemented cut backs.

I'm working really hard on the pilates and getting fitter and am looking forward to possibly having some work as an apprentice in April, as well as getting teaching practise in by teaching Matt and Jayne. I'm pondering whether to delay my exam until I have some more experience under my belt (it won't effect the job and in fact will be benefitted by the work so it's not a cop out!!). I'm really loving it but need to get my confidence up a bit.

But all this hard work means that we're a little anti social as we've both both to be slightly single minded and supportive of each other's efforts! It's lots of early starts and less alcohol!

I'm also trying to get my head around my new diet which is low fibre and of course opposite to anything I'm used to. I'm undergoing lots of tests because I have some issues with my guts which have arisen since radiotherapy. I have a lovely GI consultant who is being very helpful and a dietician who's helping me find the right balance. Things may change when all the tests are in but so far the difference is huge and I'm feeling better - and losing weight. I still have to be wary of the fatigue which can hit me like a train - but I'm working out how to balance being energetic and not overdoing it and am allowing my self rest days.

Finally more good news - my three monthly checkups have been upgraded to 6 months and I'm nearly at the 2 year cancer free mark. It's a fantastic feeling!!

Much love

Z xxxx

Good news!

2007-11-08T20:13:00.001Z

MRI results were clear which is a big relief. The Marsden are also checking me out for a couple of non cancer related issues (possibly a legacy from treatment). Nothing serious but it's good that they took them seriously - stiffness in my hand joints which is uncomfortable at best and painful at worst and some tummy issues which are probably caused by the radiotherapy.

Z x

Spring forward, fall back

2007-11-07T11:51:00.000Z

As Autumn shines golden the clocks have gone back and the days are shorter. After the summer of lost hope, there is a sense of relief as the nights draw in. At least we know what we are getting and we can prepare accordingly.

The last few months have been challenging in many ways. My Pilates instructors course has been hard physically and mentally but I'm now ready to start teaching and getting my hours up. I'm hoping to start working and to then take my exam in March. I'm now a business - called Live & Breathe Pilates and will have a web address of www.breathepilates.co.uk but that will take time to come into fruition. The name comes from the fact that the breath is an important principle of pilates, and also that throughout my life people have been telling me to breathe. It reminds me of who I am and how far I've come.

The most challenging thing has been the loss of a couple of dear friends who I met through Jo's Trust and some other inspirational women. It's been incredibly hard to deal with and has resulted in some duvet days and an increase in drug taking (legal ones!!). One was Kayla, who I've mentioned on this blog before. She had had a terribly hard fight and in many ways it was a relief to see her suffering end. But we went to her funeral and it was the hardest thing to do - to see a family left distraught and empty. Another was Marion who had the biggest heart. We had all met up for dinner just after Kayla (and others) died and we celebrated her life and shared tears and laughter. We didn't know then that she had another tumor herself.

At the same time as all of that (and just as my second pilates course finished) we discovered that the CC vaccine has been approved by the government, which means that from next year girls aged 12-18 will get it through the NHS. This is cause for huge celebration and is a wonderful legacy for all to leave behind. The media circus started again and I, and others, were called on to talk to TV, radio and so on. Last week a few of us represented the women from Jo's at a gala dinner to Celebrate Life. It was a wonderful night - highlighted by me getting a kiss from Kenny Logan (Gabby was hosting and Matt and I had a lovely chat with her).

At home we've started to decorate the study. The first real DIY since we moved in and it feels great to be making our home ours. I've been making lots of chutneys and pickles and jam to give as Christmas pressies which has been relaxing and rewarding. The pre-Christmas social whirl has already started which puts the pressure on to get lots of jobs done before december. And of course I'm trying to find PAID work at the moment, though I do have opportunities coming up in the New Year. Fingers crossed.

This afternoon I'm off the Marsden to get the results of my MRI which is just a checkup but still makes me feel nervous and skittish - it's two years since the cancer wagon started moving.

I'll finish with some pictures from our ballooning trip - my birthday present. We were lucky to be able to do it as the weather was so bad, and had one of the most beautiful evenings of the summer.

Overdue

2007-08-23T12:33:00.000+01:00

I've realised that an update here is well over due and I have no excuse apart from excessive busyness.

Our trip to the US was fantastic and I will post some pictures soon. It was lovely to travel to DC to see Ann and Jon and family and to catch up on news and compare notes on treatment etc. It was great fun and truly family time and much needed.

We then headed to Utah which in all honestly we were a little apprehensive about - let's face it it's not a typical tourist destination. I knew that we would be welcomed with open arms and we were. Seeing Jen and Bob so radiantly happy was a wonderful thing - and to catch up with my wise woman Sissy was incredibly special - made better only by the addition of the gorgeous Annabella who at 2 was using her feminine wiles to steal my husband. Believe me, I could have taken her plump cuteness home with us. And then there was Susan who we spent a lot of time with and forged a new friendship with.

Utah in itself was really terrific - beautiful mountains and hot dry heat - we'd definately go back in a heartbeat. Enjoyed lots of fabulous food and good beer and wine (yes you CAN drink there!!). Didn't see the lake or much of SLC which was probably a good thing and were not converted to being mormons. Just met a lot of friendly, kind and very hard working people and explored and went white water rafting (SO MUCH FUN).

To New York which after the peace of Utah was a bit of a culture shock, but still it was NYC and felt like being on a movie set. I proved to Matt that after a diet of old movies and Sex in the City epsisodes that I could catch a yellow cab prettydamnwellthankyouverymuch. It just took patience, observation and a little bit of assertiveness - coupled with the female advantage. Again some AMAZING food, an incredible storm, shopping, walks through central park, exploring different districts, shopping, the Empire State Building, a boat trip around the island and catching up with Alan and visiting New England (and seeing Johnny Depp's house) made for a good rounded visit.

Our feet had hardly touched English soil when my course started - and the first weekend was made interesting by most of Central England being under water - including Oxfordshire. It added to the adventure I guess!

Having just finished the second weekend I can safely say I LOVE doing this. Pilates is helping my body, but I can also see where I can use it to help others like me. It really is something I feel passionate about. The course is physically demanding, but I'm coping better than I expected. I just need to get over my nerves of actually teaching!! Am really really enjoying it though! Can't you tell?

Just after the first weekend, Col arrived for about 10 days - it was great to see him and we had a few adventures - with me driving our new car. His book is out now which is very exciting - especially as it's now available on Amazon. It's called Understanding Genes and GMOs - and is written in layman's terms for the non sciency person to understand!

The garden is doing pretty well - though everything is well watered it could do with more sun to ripen the tomatoes. The other downside to the rain is the plague of the most enormous slugs. Urgh.

Despite the horrible weather we were blessed with a wonderful weekend and I was able to take my balloon trip to celebrate my 40th. I can't say much more than it was one of the loveliest things I've ever done. I felt safe and secure and was never once nervous of being up high. It's like a form of meditation - just drifting along watching clouds and seeing the land across Oxfordshire from a new perspective. I'd definately do it again!

This weekend we're off to Yorkshire to see the out-laws and swing in trees should be great fun! This year really is the year for trying new things and adventures.

And then it's our second wedding anniversary - this year has whizzed by after the stress of the first year. Lots has changed and lots hasn't. They say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and I guess that's true - our relationship grows and grows and we're having fun again and you can't get better than that.

Z xxx

Birthday Pictures

2007-06-30T18:30:00.000+01:00

Literary Lunch

2007-06-25T16:52:00.000+01:00

We had a lovely birthday lunch at the Beetle and Wedge at Moulsford, which is a gorgeous restaurant on the Thames. Wind in the Willows which is based on that part of the river - and apparently Jerome K Jerome wrote his book at the Beetle and Wedge. The sun shone enough for us to have champagne and canapes outside watching the ducks and swans drift by. And then fabulous food inside by a window that looked over the river and we watched the clouds roll in and the thunder come.

Eleanor's birthday present to me was to have the table decorated in HUGE helium balloons which was fab. Will upload some pictures at some point soon.

In the meantime, this is a poem from Wind in the Willows:

`DUCKS' DITTY.'
All along the backwater,
Through the rushes tall,
Ducks are a-dabbling,
Up tails all!

Ducks' tails, drakes' tails,
Yellow feet a-quiver,
Yellow bills all out of sight
Busy in the river!

Slushy green undergrowth
Where the roach swim--
Here we keep our larder,
Cool and full and dim.

Everyone for what he likes!
WE like to be
Heads down, tails up,
Dabbling free!

High in the blue above
Swifts whirl and call--
WE are down a-dabbling
Up tails all!

Fantastic news!

2007-06-21T11:06:00.000+01:00

As most of you know I'm involved with Jo's Trust which is active in campaigning for the cervical cancer vaccine. Yesterday we heard that the JCVI has made a recommendation on the HPV vaccination! We still have a way to go, but this is a huge step, espeically with some of the nasty stuff that has been published about cervical cancer and HPV. Yesterday was a strangely emotional day. Democracy wins the day. My faith in the political process is a little restored, especially as I also got a supportive letter from our local MP, Edward Davey!

On a personal level other news is that I've lost 7 lbs so am really happy about that too! That's even with birthday celebrations :)

Z x

Fabulousness

2007-06-18T15:03:00.000+01:00

I've taken a break from tackling the world's largest pile of ironing to write this.

I'm now 40!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So far so good apart from the sore foot I got when I feel over in the wee small hours of the morning after getting home from the mass family birthday dinner. It was a good night and I spent the rest of my birthday recovering. I've been really psoilt - lots of lovely pressies and the celebrations are continuing with the birthday lunch on saturday. I'm going to milk this landmark and enjoy it as much as I can. What I will say is that when I first was diagnosed I wondered if I'd make it to 40 and now I'm here, everything is so precious.

The other excitement is that I was filmed last week for another news item which will come up in the future and that was a lot of fun. They filmed here and interviewed me. Jayne came along too and they filmed us handing tomato plants to each other for about an hour. It was hilarious. The builders next door (who had asked to be quiet) were most intrigued. I think they think I'm Kingston's answer to Charlie Dimmock (except I wear a bra).

The last couple of days have been spent studying anatomy which has been exhausting but actually really interesting. I just hope I can remember it all. It's going to really help the pilates.

Z x

Worm watch and other tails

2007-06-05T16:33:00.000+01:00

It's been a weird couple of weeks. I went to see the wonderful Nichola (my nurse specialist) to go through my notes. There were a few things I wanted clarified and I wanted o speak to her about the endometriosis, which kind of got glossed over during the cancer treatment and fertility questions and stuff. And then after that it was irrelevant.

It was so worth seeing her and I'd recommend it for other cancer patients down the line - it's easy to not take everything in. And although most of it doesn't matter it does help to know these things. However I found the bit about the endo very upsetting and have been feeling very sensitive about it since. I know that NOW it doesn't matter, but to find out that after over 20 years of complaining about periods that not only did I have endo, but it was stage IV (the worst stage) is a little hard. Apparently the surgeons were relieved because I was a candiate for the trachelectomy because I would have had a "higher risk of morbidity" had they done the hyst, as well as bowel damage and so on.

I suppose the irony of everything is that it's likely that I already would have been infertile. I know it's easy to say after the fact, but it would have been nice to know. I know I shouldn't dwell on the past but...

The other thing that happened is that one of the girls from Jo's Trust died last week. She was about 27/28 and it was a shock to us all. And Louise's mother died on Sunday - very sad that she didn't make it to see the baby, but I know she just couldn't fight any more. It all puts my pity party into perspective a bit.

A very very sad week for all.

On a cheerier note I recieved my first birthday present today - it's one I'm allowed to open as it's a wormery for composting scraps and contains live worms that need looking after, so I've been having fun putting it together. I've been so excited about it - thanks Lyn and Derek - as it's really the only thing I wanted (sad aren't I!)

Z xx

Wish List

2007-05-25T17:18:00.000+01:00

Deborah asked me what I want for my birthday and in truth I'm not sure, but I have got a wishlist so if anyone's interested... it's now in the links bit

Z x

ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

2007-05-22T16:21:00.000+01:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall. I wonder why I bother trying to explain something to people and providing good solid information to them when they can't even be bothered to click a link, instead preferring to run around like headless chooks.

Why let common sense get in the way of a good panic?

Grrrr.

I feel better now.

8 things about me

2007-05-20T18:45:00.000+01:00

This has been going around blogs for a while but Rosamundi tagged the readers of hers so I thought I'd give it a try. There are some things that people might know, but other things, maybe not. I've tried to avoid stuff I witter on about here.

1. I hate DIY stores. They do my head in. I'm ok for the 15 minutes it takes to look at the homeware stuff, the paint charts and the kitchens and then I lose my will to live.

2. I have had a crush on David Essex for as long as I can remember. This drives Matt nuts, but given his age I'm not going to run off with him anytime soon. Plus I have a bigger crush on my husband (ahhhh).

3. When at dance school I nearly got arrested for dancing in the streets a la fame. We were protesting about the freezing of student grants. We protested a lot in those days. I also know more people than I'd like to admit who have been arrested (and aquitted) for some quite serious things.

4. I am a life long Labour supporter (blame my liberal, reactionary, middle-class leftie parents for taking me canvassing as a child) and have strayed since Tony Blair got in. I think I'd be stuck by lightening if I voted Tory though. I certainly couldn't live with the guilt.

5. I hate John Howard (Australia's PM) more than I hate Blair and Bush. He'd have to be out of power before I consider going back for anything more than a holiday.

6. I can bite my toenails (but I don't)

7. I have a weakness for musicals and any saturday night show that incorporates sequins, dancing or show tunes.

8. I love books. That can be blamed on my parents (see above) giving me a book allowance as well as pocket money.

A busy bee

2007-05-15T15:45:00.000+01:00

This week I have almost a whole week at home which I think is pretty the first time since I stopped work. So much for being a lazy housewife.

I've been doing more campaigning stuff which has been fun and took me to a breakfast meeting at the House of Commons which was great and unexpectedly put my faith back in the Labour Party (further assisted by Tony resigning, Hurrah!). I do wish we could vote by person and not locally sometimes. Especially as our local branch of the Labour party is split over a new development (which we are opposing) and it's handbags at dawn.

My course started on Sunday - an intro to anatomy which was 9-5 and very well presented (not too medical and boring) but it made my brain hurt. I was bearly able to function afterwards. I think it's the first full day of anything I've done for ages! Now I have revision to do for the next installment! Oh joy.

I've also bitten the bullet and gone on a diet - not a faddy one, but a sensible one that monitors your food intake and exercise and stuff. HRT may be good but it really piles on the pounds and I want to hit 40 on the way to being fabulous again.

Tarot

2007-04-30T08:45:00.000+01:00

I was reading a friend's blog and discovered this tarot card test. It's a nice distraction from other stuff:

What Tarot Card are You?

Take the Test to Find Out.

You are The Empress

Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.

The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents, beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.

The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

I want to scream

2007-04-28T15:02:00.000+01:00

Recently I asked people to pray for my friend Kayla who is very sick and has been in and out of hospital since I met her when my treatment was starting. I'd met her through Hystersisters and we bumped into each other at the Marsden - I was recognised by the handbag I was carrying. And she's the one who introduced me to Jo's.

Throughout this time it's her strength that has been an inspiration to me. Sadly, her husband recently posted on Jo's and they have been told that there is no more they can do for Kayla. She's been moved in to a hospice ward. She has a lovely husband, three children and is around the same age as me.

Z x

Calm

2007-04-27T15:27:00.000+01:00

All the excitement of last week has died down and things are a lot calmer which in some ways is good, because I can get on with other things, like pottering in the garden (not overdoing it) and pottering at home, and phoning my contact at the local paper about the council's dodgy dealings with the development they want to build locally and stuff.

My hard work in the garden has paid off because it's looking lovely - my sweetpeas are growing and the peonies have buds and I still have more flowers to plant. I love spring!

Our tiny little greenhouse is a flurry of activity with seeds propogating all over the place - and of course I over planted so we're going to have more veggies than space. Although I have managed to negotiate a small veggie patch near the shed. So far I have cucumbers, onions, two varieties of tomatoes and pumpkins on the way and I'm waiting for aubergines, sweet peppers and chilies. We experienmented last year with a lot of these in pots and had amazing results - one of the good things to come out of global warming.

I've also planted some herb seeds in the window boxes in the front garden, which gets lots of sun, so hopefully we'll have a little herb garden.

The other thing is....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PIP!!!!!
Love you lots and lots xxxx

Z x

Panic over...

2007-04-23T17:28:00.000+01:00

Just to let you know that my check went fine, despite being very very nervous. Anyway - the appointment went really well, so much so that the doc got a bit over excited and said that I should start coming every 6 months instead of 3. He then back tracked so I DO have to go back in 3 months but then it will probably move to 6. Am very pleased - apparently I'm exceeding all expectation!

Also last Thursday there was a flurry of activity due to the new study that says there's a risk of ovarian cancer when women take HRT.

Firstly I was driven to the News 24 studios in Westminster (the ones where they say "and now live from Westminster, Tony Blair" and you see a head and a shot of parliment). Was a very surreal experience as was in a box like a photo booth talking to a camera and a disembodied voice in another part of London! I'd got home, got changed and was eating lunch, when I then got a call that ANOTHER news programme wanted to speak to me so I was just on the early evening ITN news bulletin!! It's been fun and tiring. There's a lot in the press about it but more info is here http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/6567847.stm

For the record, I was talking in favour of HRT, and for me the benefits outweighing the risks right now. If you want a laugh, here's one of the reports I was in! http://itn.co.uk/tags/hrt.html

The weather here has been amazing and we had our first bbq of the year on the weekend which was lovely. Deborah came over and sat in the garden with her knitting and I planted the window boxes (or rather put seeds in) and played with my food processor and made lovely salmon burgers.

On not so good news, I have a friend from Jo's Trust and Hystersisters who I met when was having treatment at the Marsden. She was having treatment for a recocurrence and it was very radical surgery - anyway she's been really fighting for the last year, but has had many problems. She's very very sick right now and I find it really hard - it reminds me how awful this disease is and how is can come back. Please send prayers and thoughts across to the Marsden for her and her family - she's a fighter but it's a very hard fight. It's especially hard as while she's not the first person I've come across that has had issues she's my first friend from the forums that became a real life friend. She's a very special woman.

Thanks

Z x

Overdrive

2007-04-18T10:05:00.000+01:00

I have my checkup today - it's a year since my first post treatment checkup and it's very nervewracking. I'm sure I'll be ok, but that doesn't stop the nerves and the over thinking. My brain is on over drive. This has meant I'm on over drive too - have been manically gardening over the last couple of days. It's been nice as the weather has been good and it's lovely to see the results but of course I end up collapsing in a heap because I overdo it and then get really fatigued.

An Amazon order arrived yesterday. In it was a book called Cancer Vixen. One of my lovely godmothers saw an excerpt in the Melbourne Age and sent it to me. I laughed and cried and bought the book. It's a true story about a 43 year old New Yorker who is about to get married for the first time and is dignosed with breast cancer. It's all written in cartoon format (she's a cartoonist of course) and is hilarious, sad and everything else. It's exactly right. Well worth the read.

Ok, I have to stop procrastinating and get organised to go to Pilates and the hospital.

Z x

A right? Or a privilege?

2007-04-11T10:09:00.000+01:00

So Natallie Evans has lost her appeal to use the embryos that she and her ex partner created when she was going through cancer treatment. This story has been one that triggers mixed emotions for me, not least because it was making headlines last year just after we'd made the decision not to try freezing embryos.

It's not that I didn't want to become a mother, because it's what I've wanted for most of my life, but it was because the odds were so against us and the mental and physical toll on us was going to be too much, especially just before treatment. I still find it very hard to deal with - most days I'm fine, but I still have times where it's a hard thing to realise that you'll never have children that look like you.

But parenthood is more than just genetics and I think that should never be forgotten. It's a commitment. I feel for the ex partner who did not want to be forced to be a parent - and most particularly it was evident to me that he did not want to have children with her. It's a very harsh decision, but at the same time, he SHOULD have a say. Natallie said it's her right to have children - but it's not. Having children is a privilege and one that we take for granted to much I think. It's hardest for me when I see women who use their fertility as a statement - that don't think of the child and their life. Or those who take things for granted. I wish more women would see how lucky they are to have that chance, that they are blessed and have been granted a huge responsibility.

We may still adopt when we can. It's a scary prospect because of the responsibility that comes with it - but I think it would be a wonderful thing to give love and hope and opportunity to someone who needs it so much.

On the one hand, I understand that feeling of utter despair and grief that Natallie feels, but you can't be selfish about parenthood. To do that you're missing the point - in the end it's not about YOU, it's about creating a person and all that comes with it. I hope that Natallie can see that if she wants to be a parent she still has time. I suspect though that her need to have her own child has blinded her to other options.

2007-04-10T15:13:00.000+01:00

I hope everyone had a good Easter/Passover/Spring celebration. We had Matt's parents and sister here and had a lovely weekend - lots of eating, and more eating and chocolate and fun activities like the London Eye, and boat trips on the river and seeing Spamalot. And friendly competition over various sporting events.

It's been interesting over the last few weeks - I sent a campaigning letter for Jo's Trust off to some of our local press and MP's (both British and European reps) and it's been interesting to see the response I got. There's not been ANY response from Edward Davey, our local MP which I think is really poor. I know the guy is busy, but surely he has help in handling mail? It would be nice to get some acknowledgement. Most of our MEPs have been pretty useless too - I'd like to name and shame Robert Evans in particular.

BUT - a couple have been great. I quote:

Thank you very much for writing to me about the need for the Government to tackle the causes and incidence of cervical cancer. I have written to the Department of Health about this issue and will let you know when I hear from them. I hope, in the meantime, that you have also written to your Westminster Member of Parliament.

Best wishes John Bowis MEP

And

Thank you for your email addressed to Mary Honeyball on the subject of cervical screening and the new HPV vaccine. As a member of the European Parliament's Cervical Cancer Intergroup, Mary takes a keen interest in this issue and notes your concerns. She too has been very worried about reports that the number of women attending for screening is falling and she would like me to reassure you that she continues support efforts to increase this and is pushing for the early introduction of the vaccine.
Kind regards
Helen Hegarty
Assistant to
Mary Honeyball MEP

Plus our local freebie newspaper, The Kingston Informer, has been very supportive. :)
This time last year I'd just finished treatment and Col was here. This time I'm starting afresh. I still get very tired - just about everyone I know who has had the same treatment says the same - but at least this time the chemicals are not in my body and I'm able to exercise.

This month I start my Pilates instructors course - I have a few weekends of Anatomy for the next months and then in July I start my training proper. I'm so enjoying my sessions with Lisa, as well as my home workouts and am very excited to be embarking on this. It's scary to think that I'll be running my own business and seeking clients soon, but I'm sure it will work out. Lisa says that she thinks I'll be good at it - the dance training from years ago helps, but also my experiences of surgery and so on help me understand what other people go through from a rehab point of view, which puts me into a different category to the gym bunnies. I've not lost any weight, but can feel myself toning up and getting much stronger. I always feel so confident and good about myself after working out.

Hope the sun's shining wherever you are.

Z x

Image change

2007-03-18T13:44:00.000Z

I'm starting to get used to having my picture taken now, though I hate it. I had some shots taken for the Jo's Trust PR people and I actually quite like them and thought it was about time that I changed my profile picture!

Yes, I now have brown hair for the first time ever. I'd been my natural colour for a while so thought it was about time I had a change!

Z xx

Highs and lows

2007-02-07T09:59:00.000Z

Where has the time gone? It's february already and we've had a warm January, with snow for the first time in years (go figure) and more snow forecast for tomorrow. The last few weeks have been on a bit of a roller coaster - trying to leave work, which has happened though the apron strings are not quite cut and finding that I'm busier than ever.

Funnily enough I'm enjoying being at home. Someone asked me what I do. I don't know exactly but it seems that I'm running around - spring cleaning, and doing jobs that have been put to one side for ages. I'm seeing the house afresh and wanting to change things. And panning our trip to the US and just stuff really.

I've been to the House of Commons to lobby for the Cervical Cancer vaccine and am getting more involved with Jo's Trust and other charities - and in fact appeared on TV last week, being interviewed about my experiences with cervical cancer and the importance of smears. I really really enjoyed the experience and from the feedback I got, was quite good at it, so I may be doing more media work.

I've also started doing pilates sessions with Lisa and am investigating courses to train as an instructor - it's all very exciting and daunting and scary and very expensive so am formulating a plan.

And in the middle of all this excitement, Gaffa died - he's Joss's father so technically not a relation, but as close to a grandfather as I've had for many years and just an amazing man. He'll be much missed as he was such an integral part of the extended family and dealt with everything with such humour and dignity. He was 94 years young.

I am going to write more about India but in the meantime here's a picture of me that Jayne took in Mumbai - I don't like pictures of me at the moment, but this one is one that I like.

Chapter 3: Ayerveda - mind body and soul

2006-12-29T11:09:00.000Z

Sorry about the gaps between posts - work and Christmas sort of got in the way! I hope everyone had a good restful time, or if not restful, fun!

Back to the retreat where was a pretty set programme - you are examined by the ayurvedic doctor who looks at your tongue and asks about your symptoms and assesses your body type. Ayurveda is based on three body types - kapha, pitta, and vata.

I'm Kapha Vata - this is worked out by your physical make up, but also personality takes a big part of it. I have a kapha inbalance which meant that I'd put on weight and was lethergic and also had mucus overproduction - this was all spot on in terms of symptoms I was having and how I was feeling. Because of my cancer treatment I was not treated in the way they would normally treat this - instead I was under orders of no weight loss, gentle yoga and lots of relaxing treatments.

It is a very complex philosophy ayurvedic doctors train as long as western doctors and often in India combine the training - they are also not dismissive of western medicine, so they don't treat cancer for example but instead try and prevent it or rebalance the body after conventional treatment. We were never told what was in the medicines exactly - just that they were a mixture of herbs specifically formulated for each person. They all had varying degrees of yukkiness, from ick, to omigodthatwasdisgusting!

The yoga was wonderful - mainly astanga, but different to what you get here - much more spiritual (hindu) with lots of prayers in sanskrit. (Left, our wonderful yoga teacher Ganesh with Jayne).

After that we had monkey feeding (see below right!) and breakfast and then the day proper started - we had our treatments. The first couple of days were massage which is done with lots of oil and two therapists (all of the treatments are). Then for

a few more days it was an oil bath where warm oil (a base of sesame oil with herbs) is dripped over you and rubbed in to your skin. Then for most people (not me) there's a steam bath and the day after that is purgation (or purgatory as we nicknamed it) which involves drinking medicated ghee and staying by a loo! I didn't do this as my body self purgates and in fact did so towards the end of the stay - which was part of the healing process.Then there's dhara which is oil slowly running onto the forehead, which is incredibly relaxing - it's hard to describe as each person's experience was different, but for me I found myself having vivid thoughts and actually wrote a poem as a result!

After treatment we rested and then had lunch. The afternoon was more resting (some of the treatments were quite exhasting in a way and after dhara you're not supposed to be stimualted), or yoga or trips to town etc. At 5.30 we had an hour of mediation.

We found that there was a lot of time for thought and reflection and in fact this was very useful to me - meeting so many wonderful people (more of them later!) in such an intense environment (intense in a good way) meant that we could share stories. In that time I realised that I am not coping with work and the negatitivity from some aspects of it. I love the company but not the job and it's not what I want to do. It's a bit of cliche, having a moment of clarity in India, but I think that it's a place that makes you realise what choices we have. And that karma does exist and it does happen. This out of focus dahlia is what I was looking at when I had my moment!

Wishing everyone a very happy and healthy New Year.

Om Shanti

India. Chapter 2. Walking in the clouds

2006-12-02T12:03:00.000Z

Picture 1. Clouds over the retreat

The retreat is around 2000m in the Nilgris (Blue Mountains). Small round cottages are tucked into the side of the hill surrounded by tea plants.

The weather constantly changes - clouts roll past, either engulfing us in damp air or rain or revealing blue skies and hot strong sunshine. It was hard to know what to wear - you were either too hot or too cold!

Our room (the bottom left in the picture) had a view across to the south east and over the valley - as well as to the yoga hall. This was useful as we could see when people were walking up and so we could make a dash and get a good spot before class.

Picture 2. Our cottage

In the mornings we welcomed the day at 6.30 with yoga. This was preceeded by the medicine man who delivered foul tasting potions with a winning smile. Yoga was a magincal experience - doing sun salutations and then sitting palms up as the sun floods into the room and into your hands. Even the torturous poses that we did did not seem that bad and we took it all with good humour and the occasional giggle as we were told to "inhayeeee" and "exhayeee" or to do the "gangeroo pose" and to "feel the benefit".

Picture 3. Medicine Man

Chapter 2, II - Tea

2006-12-02T12:00:00.000Z

The tea is real tea - that is, rather than being ornamental, its tips are harvested and sent to a local tea factory where it is dried and fermented to make the black tea we're used to.

Picture 4 Lady picking tea

India - chapter 1, the journey.

2006-11-26T12:25:00.000Z

Well I'm back and I have to say that I had amazing time. I loved India more than I ever thought I would. It's chaotic, and dirty and noisy, but it's also vibrant, friendly, funny and unexpected.

So I'll write bits and pieces when I can about my experiences. There's much to say so bear with me. Now, are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin.

Our journey was eventful to say the least. From the stresses of getting to Heathrow in rush hour on a Friday night to a check-in with a broken luggage belt, to security checks, to getting lost in Terminal 3 (don't ask) and having to go through security again to only just making the plane, whish was delayed any way... then being late to land in Mumbai and missing our connecting flight!! A very quick lesson in learning to go with the flow - essential practice in India!!!

Eventually a new flight booked and a madcap taxi ride through Mumbai to a part of town called Colaba, where we went to a hotel that J&J had sated in before - clean, basic and cool. And very very welcome.

Mumbai is a fear of sound and colour, almost too much to focus on. The traffic is fast and furious, there seem to be few rules excpet to stick to the left. Otherwise it's point and go. And hoot. A lot.

Every surface is covered with posters and flowers. Buildings crumble behind. There are people everywhere - drinking tea, selling fruit or shirts, or souvenirs, or tailoring on the street with old sewing machines, and of course begging.

"Please mama, bebe, mumma, eat mumma" It's relentless. There is evidence of ppverty everywhere. There's no disabled rights or benefits or care for the elderly on the streets. As the middle classes grow more powerful so does the divide between them and the poor. This is not a shock to me, as I have similar images imprinted on my brain from our time in Brazil, but nevertheless it's a reminder of how much we have in the west.

We ventured out, seeing the Taj at dusk and even more people gathering around it - peple selling balloons. kulfi, anything and everything.

Walking past shops is a bit like being in Brick Lane - every trader wants you to come and look - it's easier to say "later" than no, upon which you're handed a business card.

That evening we went to Indigo which is a popular and trendy Bombay restaurant - not traditional Indian but western (French/Italian) dishes with Indian spice. A risotto to die for.

The next day our travels resumed and this time our flight was undramatic. We arrived in Combiatore where we were met by Krishna the driver and fellow guest Anisa. It was a two hour journey where we saw another side of India - lush green plantations interspersed with colourful villages, which unlike here are not sleepy hideyholes but vibrant busy places.

More Indian driving - lots of honking and overtaking and weaving around people. goats, donkeys, chickens, dogs and the ubiquitous sacred cow.

We stopped for coconut water drunk from the shell and then this was broken and the tender flesh eaten. As we drove we shared stories of family and looked at pictures. As it grew darker we climbed higher into the mountains and the road became more and more bumpy.

More dodging of people and animals and other vehicles, waterfalls cascading down the side of the hills. Eventually it was dark and you could hear the water and soon we had arrived at the retreat.

Baby, you are born to run!!

2006-10-25T11:57:00.000+01:00

He did it! In a very respectable time of 1:34:48 - and here are the pictures to prove it!

Emma followed five minutes later and they both did so well given the weather was so awful. It was a torrential downpour for the entire duration of the race. Despite that the support team kept it's spirits up, assisted by the obligitary bacon sandwich.

Thanks for all the sponsorship - it means a lot!

Z xx

Anniversaries and adventures

2006-10-03T08:57:00.000+01:00

It has been ages since I last posted, for which I apologise! In September we celebrated our wedding anniversary, which was wonderful - we went to a lovely spa hotel thanks to some friends of mine and were pampered and rested. We also were able to catch up with Ann and Jon who made a flying visit. It was all too brief, but great to see them and compare notes.

I also had my 6 month check up which was good - again no sign of a recurrance. It's funny though because those checkups sort of remind me that there COULD be a recurrance so it's a bitter sweet time. Oh for the day that I'm told I'm in remission!

I have also changed my HRT. Menopause is not easy for me - actually I'm having a rubbish time. My HRT caused massive weight gain and also problems with my joints - so I'm a bit like a little old lady with a type of arthritis in my hands and feet. Not to mention the mood swings. Have been on this new HRT for a few weeks now so hopefully it will kick in.

In November Jayne and I are going to India to a retreat (aka yoga boot camp) which looks wonderful but hard work! I am very excited as it's my first trip to India and well be at the retreat for 2 weeks and then a couple of days in Bombay. It will be good to spend time with Jayne and see India with her, although I think we both will welcome the meditation at times!! ;o)

My lovely husband made the mistake of mentioning how he was inspired by Natalia's marathon and so was challenged to do the Great South Run. He's doing 10 miles raising money for the Royal Marsden. His sister Emma is also running, as are Chris and HIS sister Vicky, so there's quite a bit of competitive spirit! So please sponsor him as we're both so grateful for the wonderful treatment that the Marsden has given me. It will help him see that all the hard work and early mornings were worth it!!

Love

Z x

In black and white

2006-08-18T18:48:00.000+01:00

So I hadn't actually heard it or believed it, though I had been told that they removed the tumor - after all my radio and chemo was for my margins so there was nothing to measure.But I recently requested a letter because we're going to a spa for our wedding anniversary and they wanted a letter from my doctor to tell them that massage was ok.And there it is in writing...

NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE

Wow. :o)

Z xxx

PS have made an appointment to see nice gynae consultant about my HRT at the end of the month. Mood is also helped by therapist. Shrinkage is good

Wobbles

2006-08-03T12:05:00.000+01:00

I've realised that I haven't written for a month which is bad. I apologise.

We've been dealing with being back at work and unusually hot weather for the UK in July. Now I know it's not hot in Aussie terms, but London is horrid when the temperatures reach over 30 degrees - no air con and high humidity and everything gets stinky. No one can sleep and everyone is grumpy.

Now add the the mix that I work for one of the world's top sandal manufacturers and you can get a picture of my world right now. It's very hard not to want to tell some of our customers to get a grip, that the world is not going to cave in because we don't have the shoes they want in stock and YES our delivery is one to two weeks because that's as fast as we can go right now. And actually I don't care that much, because really if that's their only issue in life, then life's not too bad. But of course I don't say anything. But just for the record, if you demand compensation because your sandals don't arrive in time for your holiday, you won't get any.

Despite various medications including HRT, menopause is hitting me like a train. Girls, it's like PMT but worse. Don't even think about not having drugs! I can cope with home and stuff but other things not so much. I'm not convinced that the HRT I'm dealing with is working for me so I've arranged to see the gynae that we saw about the fertility things as she offered to help. That's not until the end of the month so in the meantime I'm deep breathing and trying not to kill anyone.

Talking of which, it's been hard to keep things together as everytime we're out at any kind of function we get asked if we're planning a family. A note to people; DO NOT ask this of anyone, especially ones that you've only just met. Because it's a) rude b) people's own business and c) you might not get the answer you want. It bothered me when I was fertile and it sure as hell bothers me now. I can just about cope with my friends having babies and stuff (I'm a bit sensitive but can deal with it and am happy for them), but I will answer that no, we can't have children, and I will say why. If people are embarassed, well tough. Telling someone that you have just had cervical cancer may not be deemed proper in polite society, but nor is asking intrusive questions about one's sex life and other personal issues.

Anyway, I'm plowing through books about coping strategies and diet and stuff and I'm sure slowly I'll feel human again. I still have tummy issues so I can't eat some of the things they suggest which is slightly irritating.

On a positive note, I've had some cycling lessons - I think before that I only rode a bike once when I was about 15, but we didn't have a park that would allow bikes when I was growing up. Any way, I can now ride a bike, not on the roads yet, but still. I was very proud that I fell off and got back on again, Even if Matt did say that my leg looked like a piece of stilton due to the bruising. And am having more lessons which is good and we bought me a nice silver bike with a proper wicker basket on. So hopefully soon I'll be riding properly around Kingston! My aim is to do the London to Brighton next year, which will coincide with my, erhem, 40th birthday.

I finished my course with flying colours which has been great and I really enjoyed it. Not entirely sure where it will lead me, but its been great for my confidence.

So I do wonder sometimes when I'll start to feel vaguely human again. It's been a very wobbly time what with one thing or another, but I somehow manage to pick myself up and keep going. And sorry it this post sounds like a bit of a rant. I blame some of it on hormones, but a lot on the fact that some people are just a bit rude and insensitive at times, even if they don't mean it.

Love

Z xxx

The Italian Job!

2006-07-01T12:57:00.000+01:00

Italy was wonderful. We were staying in a villa which was all old tiles and spacious rooms with bourgonvillia and jasmine on the outside. The windows openned onto an outside covered terrace which looked straight to the Med, we were woken by the sound of birds and the occasional boat and the sound of the sea and the hooting by the bus drivers as they went by on the road above.

We had a tiny man made private beach that we had to walk down about 5 flights of very steep stairs to get to, and we had to walk up the same to get the the main road, which is the only road that takes you along the Amlfi coast so it's madness - scooters, buses, cars, pedestrians are all using the road, all apart from the pedestrians are at break neck speed around many hair pin bends. There was a lot of bus action and a lot of bus on bus action which always involved lots of horns and backing up and so on.

The nearest town was Minori - one of the least touristy towns on the coast and gorgeous. It still had holiday makers, but it's full of local charm and was relatively inexpensive. We spent a lot of time there and became tempoary locals, hanging out at the bars in the square, or eating gelati, or at a couple of great restuarants. The first week, for the most part Matt and I relaxed and slept and ate and walked and sunbathed.

One day we decided to walk to Ravello which is a steep up hill stair climb (about 1 mile) it was a beautiful walk past terraced fams of peaches and lemons. We saw mules bringing the lemons down and picked up ones that had been dropped. By the time we got to Ravello the weather had changed and there was a torrential downpour and we had to shelter in a shop. We did get back there another time and it really is a pretty town - amazing views. After the walk up there we had sore legs for days!

Matt's parents arrived on the Friday in time for the World Cup to start so there was more hanging out watching the footie. but as they brought a car we were able to travel around a bit more. My birthday was spent in Pompeii. Most of the artifacts are in museums but it's still worth a visit - we enjoyed it very much - it's big though and there's still a lot to see. We avoided Naples and the museums this trip.

We also visited Capri, and took a ferry there and back- very beautiful with some stunning walks. Also incredibly expensive. Mind shatteringly so. I bought a pretty handbag which wasn't too extortionate, but some of the designer stuff was ridiculous.Amalfi is also a pretty town but packed with tourists and not as friendly as some of the other places we visited. Found a wonderful handbag shop and another leather shop so it was worth visiting for those reasons!All in all we loved the area, and will probably go back.

Because we were staying in a villa we had the freedom to eat out or in - when we ate in we bought wonderful fruit (peaches etc) and tomatoes (the best I've eaten) and proscuitto and bread or made very simple pasta. For breakfast we had cereal (the locals thought we were made because italians don't really eat cereal for breakfast much) or went into town and had cornettos (croissants) that had surprise fillings, such as chocolate, marmalade or apricot jam. And we ate many multi course meals - lots of seafood - for much much less than you'd pay in London.

Being in Italy for the world cup was great fun - the local bars moved the TVs outside so we could watch the various games and there was a party atmosphere when Italy played. On our last night it was the Italy - US game and we were in the back with the locals - there was an audible sigh of relief when we cheered for Italy - they'd been giving us funny looks because they assumed we were supporting the US! And as our friendly waiter said "Theese country ees crazy".

I loved the Italians and the sense of community and the food was fantastic.

When I got back I had my first 3 month check up. So far so good. Next one is in September. Now we can enjoy the summer!

Z x

This time tomorrow

2006-06-03T17:43:00.000+01:00

We'll be in Italy, looking at the sea, away from computers and work stresses.

I'm not sending postcards this time, but will be back in two weeks.

Ciao!

Z xx

Women's Hour

2006-06-02T10:51:00.000+01:00

I'm working at home today and managed to listen to Women's Hour on Radio 4. They had a report about the study of long term psychological effects of cervical cancer on women and their partners that is being started by Surrey University and a woman called Alison Nightingale who had it herself. I've become involved via Jo's Trust.

If you are interested there is more information on the Women's Hour webpage and they will also podcast it later today.

2006-05-26T08:10:00.000+01:00

I'm counting the days to our holiday (9 in case you're interested). I don't think I've ever felt so in need of one. Can't wait to be sitting on the terrace of an Italian villa looking at the sea and sipping wine.

I'm feeling grumpy at the moment - work has been very stressful and while my team is doing well and I'm being productive, there are issues that I have no control over and it's causing ructions. And shouting. I've never been a fan of shouting at work, although have had several jobs where it was quite normal, but these days I can't cope with it. As a result it's been playing on my mind when I should be resting. Matt is on the verge of banning me from going in.

On top of that I'm frustrated with my lack of fitness. I "persuaded" Matt to do the Great South Run in October and although I'm not going to do it, I thought I could start training with him as I feel fat and lumpy at the moment. It's not going well - apart from the constant pains I get (symptoms post radiotherapy and/or menopause) I also get random bouts of diarrhea, which is a little limiting. I'm going to keep trying though, as well as doing pilates at home (Darcy Bussell has a really good DVD out which included lovely stretches).

Part of the problem is that I feel that some people at work (not my bosses thankfully) seem to think that I should be better now that my treatment is over. And it's not as easy as that. It's very depressing.

On a more positive note I'm doing this Women in Governance course (WinG) which I do on my day off on Thursdays. It's not too tiring and actually good because I get to use my brain and exercise the neurons. I'm also meeting some lovely women from Kingston and Richmond with diverse backgrounds and experiences. And the assignments are interesting too. My tutor has told me that Primary Health Care Trusts are keen to get women with my work and health experiences onto boards so it might lead to something interesting and worthwhile.

But it's a type of therapy, in that it's helping me feel better about myself. And I'll take any help I can get at the moment. I see my therapist this afternoon and am looking forward to a long weekend with Matt, and of course the holiday. And I'm enjoying the bits of sun in between the torrential rain that allow me to potter in the garden. It's looking lovely - there are little baby apples on the crab apple tree, and roses blooming, and strawberries and blueberries starting. And Matt's tomato plants are being kept company by aubergine, pepper and chili plants, and I planted beans yesterday. Let's hope the presence of the ginger Kray cats keeps the birds off. Next year I'm going to try potatoes in bags!

And if you think that I've turned into a mad hippy (or more of one than before), I'm feeling inadquate after dinner with Fran and other old friends and discovering that we were the only couple that DIDN'T have an allotment. We're all turning into Tom and Barbara's! We've even ordered a water butt. I'll be voting Green next. ;o)

Z xxx

2006-05-07T21:29:00.000+01:00

Just wanted to add that Merck are doing a very good campaign in the US called "tell someone", educating people on the HPV virus which is one of the most common viruses, yet the least known about. HPV is the reason we have pap smears. In all honesty, I didn't know that. I knew that smears detected abnormal cells, but I didn't know why, nor that the abnormal cells could result in cervical cancer. I don't think I was ever told that. And I was good at having paps (every 2 years in Aus, as opposed to the 3 -5 years here).

So please Tell Someone. We need to be educated more about the point of pap smears to protect other women from the experience that I'm dealing with. The irritating thing is that men carry HPV but they can't be tested for it!

2006-05-03T16:20:00.000+01:00

Sorry for not posting for a while - I'm trying to adjust to some sort of life again! Things are getting busier at work and so I'm there more, plus we've been either away at weekends or in the garden, and I'm also trying to deal with some of the longer term side effects of treatment (dodgy tum, muscle ache, fatigue and menopause - oh joy).

I had a check up and so far so good which is a postive thing. I have to go back in June. Of course, because it was my margins that were not clear enough it's hard for them to measure, but they seemed pleased with me and I came out armed with HRT and instructions on how to deal with things post radiotherapy (bleurgh).

I'm very tired today - a bit of sunshine and people start buying sandals so it was a very full on at work this morning. But I'm also slowly trying to exercise as am feeling blobbish and have not been able to do much do to treatment (one forgets how much the pelvic area is used and effected by things). So am doing short bursts on the water rower in an attempt to do get fitter again.

We're both looking forward to our holiday in Italy, even though it's going to cost a LOT in insurance (yes, even Europe) and forget North America, it's almost impossible to get insurance for there if you have or have had cancer, which is depressing. As I'm hoping to do a trek to raise money for the Marsden next year, I hope that it is not too prohibitive - the one I'm keen on doing is to China!

Wil post again sooner next time!

Z xxx

2006-04-08T22:47:00.000+01:00

Some of Kew's Magnolias

2006-04-08T12:54:00.000+01:00

Spring has finally sprung and it seems prophetic that it should happen so late, yet coincide with the end of my treatment. It's wonderful to see the blossom start to come out and the flowers bloom. It feels so hopeful.

We went to Kew with Col on Thursday - a beautiful sunny day - and we walked a lot, more than I have in a long time, and looked at the plants. The magnolias were out, looking resplendent and rather symbolic.

I'm still having up and downs. I find myself getting tired a lot still and have at least one day a week when something triggers a dodgy tummy and vomiting, oh joy. I need to learn not to try and run before I can walk.

Looking forward to Easter and the cast of thousands as we head to Oxfordshire and a family get together. I hear that an easter egg hunt is planned for the "children" (the youngest being Tam and 20!).

Z x

2006-04-08T12:50:00.000+01:00

Springtime in Kew Gardens

2006-03-29T16:18:00.000+01:00

Well it's now a week since I had my last treatment and I'm slowly starting to feel human again. The steroids are working their way out of my system and I don't feel as jittery and spaced out as I was, and the metallic taste is gradually lessening. I've managed to drink white wine and will have to see if red wine still tastes awful! I still have emergency dashes too the loo (an effect of having pelvic radiotherapy) but it's more or less manageable, though I'm still being careful what I eat.

At the Marsden you come across so many people that are sick and the irony is that for the most part everyone felt fine before they were diagnosed - there are not many other diseases that the treatment makes you feel WORSE than you did when you started! But it's good to be coming through it now. In a month I have a check up.

Some nice things happened this week too. Col is here, which is great. We've booked a holiday. And I went to a thing called Look Good Feel Good, which is for cancer patients and is basically a girlie afternoon playing with makeup. It was lots of fun and it was nice to meet other women with other cancers who are all battling this disease with, for the most part, great attitude and grace. I saw my treatment as a job (admittedly a not very nice one!) that had to be done as did many of the ladies I spoke to yesterday and I really think that helped me get through it. And those Aussie battler genes!

The other thing that happened was that I got a message from one of the forums I post on from a girl who has just been diagnosed with cervical cancer. I won't say any more to protect her privacy, except that she had read this blog from start to finish and had found it very helpful. That completely validated my reasons for writing here. Apart from keeping in touch with my friends and family, I hoped it would help someone. And it has, and that is something that I can take from all of this. It was upsetting when I was accused of being attention seeking when I decided to be up front with it all. That was never my intention (believe me, this is attention that I'd never normally choose to have!), and to have someone say that I've helped them made my day!

I'm also reading Pollyanna again, it makes me smile. For those of you who have never read it. it's about a little girl and a game that her father teaches her which is the "glad game". It's about finding something to be glad about whatever the situation.

I'm not so good at the glad game I'll admit, but I do find that being positive helps. Of the people I've met at the Marsden, those that get on with it and battle through the bad times with humour and grace seem to do better than those who are angry and bitter and complain. That's not to say that there aren't bad days or days that you want to whinge a bit, or days that it's hard to get out of bed, or are in pain, or generally a little pissed off; but life's too short to be angry or rude or nasty all the time. And I certainly believe that "you reap what you sow" to quote Lou Reed (and our wedding dance!).

I feel sorry for those people that can't see that the reason people at the hospital know me by name is that I make an effort to smile and say hello and have a chat with people. Last week I met a woman who said that breast cancer has ruined her life. That was so sad to me, as cancer has changed things in many ways, but I'm still me and it certainly hasn't ruined my life. I'm not glad that I have cancer, but it really has made me appreciate what I have, especially in terms of love and friendship.

2006-03-22T17:58:00.000Z

That's my final radiation DONE DONE DONE!

Tummy's a bit sore, but I celebrated today with a good old british bacon buttie (have been on a low fat diet during all of this). Am so happy, though a little tired and battered.

Appointment with the consultant in 4 weeks. But saw the nurse today and apparently my bloods look really good and my haemoglobin levels are better than they expected at this stage (whatever that means)!

Oh, and the nasty nurse actually apologised to me! :)

2006-03-19T11:46:00.000Z

Well, Chemo has finished and I only have three radiation zaps to go - I feel like I can see the finish line now. Last week's chemo was the worst, it was quite painful as the fluid went in and I'd get a shot of pain whenever it was restarted. And soon I'll be on less drugs and my sense will slowly return. I've been listening a lot to Johnny Cash and one of his songs, Hurt, has a resonance to me - it's about addiction, but it has parallels with the feeling that all the chemicals in my blood make me feel. It's a strange place to be in, when feeling pain makes you feel alive.

But it's going to be up from here on in and that's a good thing. I can start planning for our future and have some projects to look forward to at work and home and a holiday to organise. I'm taking things easy though - everything in baby steps and my priority now is to get strong physically and give my mind a rest or a different challenge. It's not over by anymeans - it's going to be a slow journey, but slow's not a bad thing sometimes, as it lets you take notice of the things around you.

Again, thank you all for your support and love over the last few months. It's helped me stay strong.

Z xxx

2006-03-10T08:50:00.000Z

Yesterday, on the whole was a crap day. Imagine one of those days after a busy week at work where you just can't seem to do anything right and add on the fact that you are being drip fed poison and have a drip machine that keep having a tantrum because the battery flattens and you're half way there.

It was made so much better by having Deborah there - we hadn't seen each other for ages so it was a great opportunity to catch up on gossip and put the world to rights and to just have her there when it all got too much.

So what happened? I'm over half way through so keeping up the skiing analogy I had a wobble on the down hill piste. Deborah made a good substitute for ski patrol in terms of rescue (as did wonderful nurses Steph and Nichola), although I will state that none of them look like the 6 foot, tanned clones that sledged me down in Vail.

It was one of those days where you just can't seem to get things right - lost too much weight too quickly, not been taking enough fluid, had bloods too early, blah blah) and then a beeeeach of a radiotherapy nurse told me off in front of the entire waiting room and staff for missing an appointment yesterday (even though she was in a meeting and I was told I'd have to wait over an hour) and my drip feed was throwing some sort of tantrum and bleeping and no one could stop it.

And she said she couldn't see me and somehow it was all my fault. And I got back to the chemo unit and cried. Nichola came and saw me and was lovely and is going to come with me today.I've had a big week at work (interviewing and meetings) and am tired and run down (though my iron is ok) and I feel fried inside and it all was just too much.

BUT the great news is that I was speaking to Nichola about the pamphlets that they give out for chemo and radio and how they could be more helpful and I said how I'm a writer by trade (though it's not what I do now) and would love to re write them and she said, well actually we're redoing the radiotherapy one and I'll get you involved. I'm really excited that I'll get a chance to give something back and help other people.

It was also sad yesterday as one of my Hystersisters passed away - she had ovarian cancer and was the same age as me. I knew that in this journey I'd come across people that might no make it and it makes it more shocking and sad in a way because I know we are all fighting so hard. It's a very personal battle, yet we are together in this.

I feel sometime that gynae cancers are not taken as seriously as other cancers as they are embarrassing and also because when they are caught in time there are high success rates. It's one of the reasons I write this blog to try and educate women that there is nothing to be a shamed about by talking about these things. I hear stories of women who have nasty comments about cervical cancer because it's caused by an STD. Well something like 80% of the sexually active population carry the virus And the HPV virus that causes cervical cancer is a DIFFERENT strain to genital warts. And the jury is still out on whether it is caught just by sexual transmission. We are the unlucky ones who for some unknown reason contracted cancer.

Aolpogies to the Hystersisters who have already read some of this - I'm too tired to write other stuff! There is a lot more I want to say, so might try and do another update on the weekend.

2006-03-03T08:39:00.000Z

Wow, I'm half way through the chemo which is rather uplifting. Nearly half way through the radiation too. Can see a glimmer of light through the tunnel. Yesterday was fun, cos Trace came on Chemo duty so it was good to gabber all day and take my mind off things!

I laughed at Pip's comments about wearing nice undies - they are mainly girls who treatment and very efficient. I don't think they have time to notice the undies so at the moment it's still Bridget Jones ones as I still can't fit into anything else and also I get pen marks on me so wouldn't want to ruin anything nice. Oh for the return of days of little wispy things!!

Anyway things I've learned over the last week:

1. I don't feel bad on the actual chemo day. It's after that I feel crumby - buy the weekend I'm tired.
2. What they say about the metallic taste of chemo is true. It's constant. Highly flavoured sweets/lollies/candies are my friend. I first noticed it when I couldn't stomach a good old British cuppa.
3. I feel like a drug cocktail, which I guess I am. Was quite scared on Monday as I could'nt remember ANYTHING with out writing it down, was jityery and I couldn't focus. I still don't know how I held it together at work as it must have been v noticable - my boss did comment and said that I'd done a good job. mmmmm. The easiest way of describing it is if everything in my vision had moved slightly to the left and would keep shifting. They think it might be the steriods they have given me for anti nausea so they are adjusting my meds. Urgh.
4. There is no consistency to what I feel like eating on any given day. And what I feel like eating has no correlation on how I'll feel AFTER eating it.
5. Bananas and immodium are my friend thanks to the radiation.
6. Eating little and often helps. Miso soup is another life saver.
7. The jury is out on the low fat thing - it's supposed to help the diahrroea, but certainly's not stopped. It's hard to get enough protein and high fibre is hard to eat too. And veggies (unless in soup) turn my stomach which goes against all my normal eating. Fruit is great, partly because it combats the taste in my mouth.
8. While I'm being careful, chemo days are days when I am less strict. It helps to have the occasional treat.
9. Berry is now obessed with the water fountain - he gets stroppy it's turned off. H's new favourite seat is under the kitchen table listening to it flow!
10. Blue was a doctor or healer in a former life - he's being very attentive of me.

Thank you also for the other comments - I'm very appreciative of the support. Being at the Marsden I'm surrounded by amazing people. The staff are so great, but I'm also interested in observing others around me. I notice how some deal with things with grace - WHATEVER they go through and others just complain and are rude. I know it's hard to deal with all this but to me negativity is so toxic. It's not to say that we don't have bad days or arguments or tears, but why take it out on someone else who's trying to help. That said I'm sometimes ready to punch the metaphorical fat bloke on the tube who refuses to offer his seat after I've had a dose of radiation. But how is he to know? I still have my hair, no excessive weight loss. Should I wear a badge or stick a cushion up my jumper? Are manners too much to ask?

But people's attitudes make me laugh in the end - I was in the lunch room at work and the girls asked me how I was feeling (it was monday so bad) and I was describing it and one of them said "Oh I feel like that everyday!" It was not just me who gave a withering look. But this is the woman who complains when the lights are on in the office because they are too bright. I suppose she has her own problems but that's the scope of her experience, I just wish she could see how lucky she is.

Z xxx

2006-02-24T09:31:00.000Z

Of course that picture of me looking as glamorous as I could when dressed as a ribena berry on the ski slopes was taken just before I sat down on the mountain having a panic attack and had to be rescued by ski patrol. A whole other story and adventure but I think in future I'll ski the Victoria Beckham way - glam up for the photoshoots and then take a nice sleigh ride.

So I've had a week of radiotherapy and my first chemo session and I keep telling myself "at least you're not throwing yourself down a mountain on narrow planks of plastic" (ok not plastic but you get my drift). I think it's working. But the drugs could be helping too. Given the choice beween skiing and chemo, it's a tough call but the idea of sitting in the sun watching the snow glinting and other people throwing themsleves off mountains is an attractive prospect.

I'm now on sleeping tablets. They have made the biggest difference to my well being - before I was feeling like an over tired 5 year old who had been eating too many e numbers. On edge didn't describe it. And I didn't feel rested even if I did sleep. Now I feel much more relaxed. I'm also on a VERY VERY low dose of anti depressant - that hasn't really kicked in, but it's more of a preventative measure - my therapist wants to keep me feeling as have been off late, which is handling things.

So what's the treatment like?

Radiotherapy is all about a constant schlepp to hospital - except weekends - and I always think well it will only be a few minutes, which it is but then there seems to be other stuff like bloods to do or people I need to see so I don't get out as quickly as I like. But in a nutshell, you have to lie on this metal slab/bed (no mattress) and in my case with my pants down to my thights with a small piece of paper covering my modesty. Then they manipulate you around so that your little tattooed dots line up with the lights and mark things in pen, then you lie there while they leave the room and you're left staring at a white ceiling with bright lights like a space ship and this thing circles you and targets your dots. Sound effects are mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. I am convinced that it's a form of dalek and it will start saying "exterminate, exterminate"!

Chemo is a long long day - lots of waiting around and bloods being taken and then more waiting. Then a canular put in, then a hour or two of fluid to get my kidneys going, then half an hour of something to make me pee, then two lots of anti sickness, then an hour of the actual chemo (cisplatin), then another two hours of fluid. Luckily I wasn't sick so they allowed me home after that and I could have the remaining 500mls of fluid at home, which includes soup etc. I felt a bit itchy and lightheaded almost but on the whole it wasn't too bad. It's a cummulative thing, so we'll see how I progress.

Roll on the end of March!!

Z xx

2006-02-22T19:37:00.000Z

Just a quick message to all in the Serre Chevalier 2006 Ski-Party to wish you all happy holidays next week!!!

As you may already be aware, this will be the first year since my debut that I’ve not made it along, but I very much hope to be back on board in 2007.

Fear not though, I’ve found myself a “stunt-double” (although he himself said “treble”), as Chris will be filling my ski-boots. So bring on the Bandit Hat (I want to see photos)!

And don’t forget to pack those all important Tin Pants! As modeled by Zoë in the picture from Vail.

2006-02-11T12:00:00.000Z

This week went incredibly quickly. It was busy, almost too busy and I seemed to be running from one place to another. And that's with only one hospital visits. It's not boding well for when I have to go in everyday! You'll notice that this blog has a new look - its because the template I was using went funny and we spent an unsuccessful few hours of geekily trying to adjust the code.

I've survived 12 hours (divided into 3 x 4 hour blocks) of work. Mostly it was reading CVs and interviewing so exhausting, but also amusing. Someone listed his personal interests as including "cocking" and another said she had been working as a "porn broker", but what astonished me more than anything is that people think it's ok to have a rude or novelty email address. It might be amusing to call yourself Handsome1 or nickerless but I can guarantee it won't get you a job.

I also went to see a therapist yesterday - I think he thinks that I'm fine. Actually I think he's rather amazed at my slightly zen like attitude to everything, but as I said, what's the point in being angry? Being negative or nasty or angry at the cancer or other people is not going to help me get well. That's not to say that I'm not sad, or blue or grumpy at times but I can't blame anyone or anything. I'll admit I don't have much patience for fuckwittage though! But ultimately there's a much bigger picture out there and everyone has their crosses to bear*. Anyway he was a nice man and it was good to talk to someone that has no emotional attachment. I felt I could cry freely without anyone getting upset. He's recommended me some books - not so much self help but more that he thinks I'd be interested in. He says my attitude is courageous - I don't think it is, I think you just have to battle on to survive in this world. You just do the best you can.

We're going away for an early Valentine's treat tonight to the Petersham which is where we had our first married night. It's going to be a lovely little bit of luxury before all the crap - the restaurant is great so we're really looking forward to some "us" time, with the added benefit of not having a cat jumping on the bed at the wrong time!

On Monday I have to go to have a simulated scan and then on Thursday it's The Real Thing. Nervous is not the word. Given most of the women I know who have had this type of radiotherapy have had a bad time of it, I'm not looking forward to this month at all.

Z xxx

* Always reminds me of Gladly the Cross eyed Bear!

2006-02-04T16:36:00.000Z

This week has probably been the worst for a while, in some ways and in others the best. It started with a call to the hospital to tell them that I'm going ahead with the treatment and then a call back asking me to come in on Tuesday. It’s all happening so quickly after nothing really happening at all. A lot of tears have been shed and we’ve both been feeling drained and tired and nervous and stressed.

The meeting on Tuesday went over what I had to expect and planned my appointments - the radiation will be everyday (except weekends) from 16 February (Matt's birthday!) for 5 weeks, and the chemo will be a whole day for 4 weeks starting on 23 February.

Meeting with the Deborahs (on different days) certainly made life seem better, even though trying to find somewhere that served Elevenses, or indeed knew what it was, was almost impossible. Most disappointed by the Ritz who let us down terribly - anywhere that serves afternoon tea at 11 am and charges £38 for the privilege is taking the proverbial. What happened to crumpets? Any way we were saved by the Wolseley (again).

That place is very good - great service and food and not as expensive as one would think. Deborah T treated me to a threading experience, which is an Indian way of shaping eyebrows and in fact definitely worth a return visit. I didn’t sneeze once and have a much better shape than waxing gives! Meeting a tweeded acquaintance of hers (our man in somewhere exotic) in the lingerie shop Myla was slightly surreal - as was us giving one of the members of staff legal and financial advice! No one can accuse my friends of being boring!

I spent all day Thursday at the Marsden having various tests. It was a long and tedious day, highlighted by meeting my husband for lunch and bumping into one of the women from the Hystersisters board (who recognised me from the blog and my handbag!). Kayla is an amazingly brave woman and inspirational - she’s joined my group of “battlers”!

I woke up yesterday with a squiffy tummy and decided to have a day off. I couldn’t get warm and was happily blaming it on the central heating until I took my temperature and it was over 100°! I slept most of the day and night, so caught up on the sleepless nights that have been the norm of late. I’m not quite ready to eat normal food, but my temperature is back to normal and I’m slowly rehydrating. At least this is practice for the radiation.

I’ve changed some of the links on the side. This is because my friend Natalia is running the marathon in April so I wanted to include a link to her page.

I’m back to work (part time) next week. I’m looking forward to it mainly though there are one or two stresses that I’m NOT relishing.

Z xx

2006-01-31T06:00:00.000Z

There comes a point in time when you have to stop chasing rainbows.

To look at Zoë now you’d never know there was anything wrong with her. In fact, there may not be anything wrong with her - at least in terms of the cancer - but how can we be sure?

Surgery has successfully removed the tumour, but at this point in time they can’t be sure they’ve eliminated all the cancer cells that may lie in the surrounding tissue. As such, in order to be as positive as we can be that the cancer won’t come back, a course of radiotherapy and chemo has been recommended - but there will be side-affects.

Of course, she doesn’t have to have the treatment… She may be OK. But the doctor’s might just as well quote Dirty Harry: “You've got to ask yourself a question: Do I feel lucky?...... Well, do ya punk?”

(And incidentally, it’s not just a case of “let’s see how we go, we can always try the radiotherapy if it does come back”. Oh no, it’s not that simple - chances are, if it does, it will be worse.)

It doesn’t really leave us with a lot of choice. Our number one priority has been - and always will be - that Zoë gets better, and neither of us is prepared to gamble on that.

So we’re both agreed that the radiotherapy option is the safest way to go, but as you may know, the hope that we might still have our own children is something we’ve been holding out for. We realised early on that this was, at best, unlikely, but I think we both thought - hoped even - that we’d still got a chance.

There were a couple possibilities that might give us a chance in the future, but the fact that they would involve further surgery - possibly extensive - meant they were not really practical. Zoë’s only just recovered from her last operation, and more surgery is the last thing she needs before embarking on the radiotherapy - and besides neither of these options were in any way guaranteed.

Realistically then the only practical option we were look at was the prospect of surrogacy - an emotionally difficult concept to accept - never mind the logistics of actually finding a suitable surrogate and achieving a successful pregnancy.

I think before we went to the hospital last Thursday we both believed that the 'egg harvesting' required to keep this hope alive was a mere formality. Regrettably however, it is not.

In short, we’d basically be looking at only one shot at an IVF cycle (a cycle many couples will have to go through several times to achieve a pregnancy - because the success rate is so low – even without complications such as Zoë’s) so the odds are stacked against us.

Every step of the way we’ve been given hope that we might yet still have our own children. The odds have never been good, and now they’re verging on astronomical. Furthermore, we can’t afford to keep waiting - if the radiotherapy and chemo are to be effective, then we need to act soon.

It’s a tough decision, but we’re both agreed on one thing: It’s time to move on and remember our number one priority... So we’re off to the hospital tomorrow to get the radiotherapy ball rolling.

2006-01-26T12:24:00.000Z

Well, happy Australia Day (and Happy Birthday, Caroline!). Not much to report, but we're off to the fertility people this afternoon and an appointment with a naturopath tomorrow. In the meantime, here's a picture of Blue and Berry all grown up!

2006-01-18T08:59:00.000Z

The last week or so has been very up and down. It's been hard to be at home with everyone else at work after the sociality of Christmas. And of course I'm now feeling better after the surgery but with the next lot of treatments looming ahead. It's hard to stay postitive in all honesty. I've been feeling isolated and somewhat depressed, a little forgotten about as everyone gets back into the New Year.

But there seems to have been a bit of confusiuon about my treatments. I WILL have to have radiation and Chemo. These will probably be in March. We have an appointment with the fertility people, but this is not about us having our own baby but the possibility of preserving my eggs or embryos so that we can look for a surrogate in the future. Sorry to be blunt but right now I'm feeling that there's no end to all of this.

I am however looking at going back to work part-time. I don't want to commit to full-time (if I ever do) until I feel fitter and my treatments are over, especially as Chemo taks up a whole day. If I have to go into town everyday for radiation, I may as well use that trip for other means.

Anyway to keep me focussed I'm working on a scrapbook of the wedding which I'm enjoying a lot.

Love

Z xx

2006-01-10T16:20:00.000Z

Happy New Year. Let's hope it's a good one as Lennon said.

We had a lovely break - was nice to be away from hospitals and have "us" time and talk, and take walks and have naps, and breathe fresh air. Coming back was hard though and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

We went to the hospital today and saw the radiotherapy consultant. Another nice man. He talked through things with us again and in all honesty it looks more and more like I'll need radiation. We still have to see the fertility doc and find out our options there (including egg harvesting etc). And now we have a better idea about what to expect in terms of what will happen to my body during the treatment.

Until we've seen the fertility person it's hard to put a time frame on things but it looks like I'll be having my treatment in March - that will be 5 weeks external radiation, some internal and chemo. It's pretty hard emotionally to deal with everything so I've asked to be referred to a counsellor so I can talk to someone impartial about things in general.

On a positive note it looks like Col will be in the country at the end of March, so something to look forward to, and I'm starting some light exercise (walking and pilates).

Thanks to Ness for sending me a wonderful book - thank you - I really enjoyed it and am very proud of you (Ness has set up a small publishing company to reprint rare children's books). Anne, I hear that you are going to be marking Cancer Day partly in my honour, thank you too, it means a lot. To the other person who sent me the Bugsy Malone DVD, thank you too, you know who you are and it's much appreciated! And everyone else who have sent me things and love and good wishes, thanks again. I miss the Fools so much, but I can't go back at the moment which is frustrating and upsetting, espeically as I could use the entertainment right now!

Our outreach nurse was saying today that undernormal circumstances I'd have the all clear by now, and so it's no wonder we feel like this is going on and on. It is very frustrating.

Z xx

2005-12-29T09:10:00.000Z

I hope everyone had as nice a Christmas as we did - we were at Matt's parents and ate constantly. I didn't drink that much booze as kept falling asleep any way! My contribution was making the Christmas cake and pudding before my op. I'm not quite Nigella but both were well received. We also got some wonderful gifts and felt very spoilt. We'll spend NY with Jayne and Joss and the Graham clan in the country which will be nice.

I have had so much time to reflect over the last few weeks/months. This year has been an extraordinary one for so many people - there has been so much illness and disaster. Yet at the same time there's been immense joy at times.

In their Christmas letter Ann and Jon used the quote from the Tale of Two Cities about the best of times and the worst of times and it's so appropriate. Ann has had pretty evil treatment (I think I've got off lightly in some ways) but like me has seen how much love and kindness there is in this world. Cancer is a strange blessing - it opens more doors than it closes I think. For me, I know that things will never be the same. Many things will be better although some feel quite final. But it has certainly strengthened many old friendships and created new ones. I think it's also created a much stronger bond in my "patchwork" family - the wedding brought people closer together in both mine and Matt's families, but this experience has cemented it.

A word that plays in my mid a lot is faith. Not religous Faith necessarily, but I've had to put a lot of faith and trust into other people which is not something that has ever been easy to me. With cancer, you need more than hope, hope is the desire and expecation of getting well. Faith is the complete trust that you WILL get well, that your mind and body will cope, that the doctors will do their job and that your friends and family will support you - plus there is the faith that there is something out there that guides you. I understand religous faith now, more than ever although for me it's not about Gods or Angels but about the spirit inside.

That's all got quite heavy, and please excuse my whitterings on, but I guess I'm spending too much time alone! However, I found some quotes that touched me a little and have made me think and I'd like to share them:

We have not lost faith, but we have transferred it from God to the medical profession.
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW

I feel no need for any other faith than my faith in the kindness of human beings. I am so absorbed in the wonder of earth and the life upon it that I cannot think of heaven and angels.
PEARL S. BUCK

Nothing worth doing is completed in our lifetime,
Therefore, we are saved by hope.
Nothing true or beautiful or good makes complete sense in any immediate context of history;
Therefore, we are saved by faith.
Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone.
Therefore, we are saved by love.
No virtuous act is quite a virtuous from the standpoint of our friend or foe as from our own;
Therefore, we are saved by the final form of love which is forgiveness.
REINHOLD NIEBUHR

The only resolution I have this new year is to get better - I can't think further than that at the moment. I really hope that this year is a better one for all.

Happy New Year everyone.

Z xxx

2005-12-21T12:48:00.000Z

We had a great time at Paul and Sarah's wedding - it felt great to be wearing a pretty dress and heels and make up - I even danced! It was good therapy. I was very tired and sore afterwards but it was worth it, just to feel human again.

I've added a feature for the comments on this blog which means I or Matt sees them before they are published. Just as well because today I got another nasty one - apparently me not having children is a reason to celebrate because I'm ugly and would spread the cancer. Merry Christmas to you too. It amazes me just how poisonous people can be.

Pip asked what GolightlyCat means - well it's a screen name I adopted ages ago using Breakfast at Tiffany as inspiration. The main character is Holly Golightly and she had a ginger cat called Cat. Thanks for all your comments Pip - they are appreciated. I'll be in touch after Christmas. Am jealous of the hot weather, but also love cold wintery Christmas with the lights and holly and fir trees and fires. We're spending it in Yorkshire, then back to London then Oxfordshire for New Year and then a couple of days at the Lakes in Cumbria. It will be cold and wild, but I like a bit of weather and all the better for snuggling! :o)

We went back to the hospital yesterday. It's all very complicated but they are recommending that I have radiation. Apparently my margins are 3.5 mm and they usually prefer 1 cm to feel confident that the cancer won't return. So we have some decisions to make. BUT we've been given sometime to think and talk and also see a fertility expert which will help us get some more information together.

If I have radiation the standard treatment (for all cancers I think) is about 28 days of short zaps of external radiation and then a day or so of internal radiation, coupled with low dose chemo. It doesn't hurt but there are both long and short term side effects (which can be worse after surgery) so we have to weigh up that and the risk of the cancer coming back.

Hmmmm.

Anyway have a wonderful, peaceful and happy Christmas everybody.

Z xxx

2005-12-15T17:55:00.000Z

Well, after the drama of last week I've turned a corner recovery wise - am feeling much much better and even managed a shopping trip to buy an outfit for Sarah's wedding (I really reccommend John Lewis's personal shopping service, it's free and stress free and anything that does not involve me turning into a tearful wreck at not finding anything to fit has to be a good thing). Am so looking forward to dressing up up and feeling feminine and pretty - as much as I love my Primark PJ bottoms, they are not exactly glamorous!

The pathology results however are not looking good. They only arrived today so Mr Ind had not had a chance to look at them properly but basically they have confirmed what he feared -not that I have a problem with cancer but that there is another issue that needs addressing. Apparently when I was in surgery they found that I had extensive endometriosis. They tried to remove as much of the cancer and the endo as they could but the pathology results look like the margins for the cancer are too close to call (because of the endo), so I'm not out of the woods. This means that it's highly likely that I'm going to have to have more treatment - and that is going to be radical.

I'll be honest - this is devastating. To have a small chance and to grab it only for it to slip out of reach is really frustrating. What is more, is that for most of my adult life I've had "women's problems" and have generally been told that my painful periods were normal and that I should take the pill and painkillers etc. I'll also add that most of the time this has been with women doctors who have had the attitude "we all have period pain". It has also had a huge impact on my career path and how people viewed me when I was in so much pain that I couldn't dance. I look back and think about how I was treated at dance school and while I know that was in the past it's incredibly painful to know that I wasn't making it up.

By the same token I don't have regrets about the path my life has taken - after all I've met Matt and I'm very happy. I just feel incredibly let down by the health system (and not just the NHS but Aussie docs too).

Again I'm exhausted. The idea of more treatment scares me, especially as it might involve more surgery. We go back to clinic on Tuesday and have to have more talks about treatment and also some serious decsions to make. As Ronan Keating sang "Life is a roller coaster baby, you just gotta ride it". I think that's our theme song right now.

I wanted to extend more thanks to everyone for their comments here, and emails and books (thanks Ness and Deborah and Kate etc etc), for the Christmas cards and texts and general friendship and laughter. I have managed to send some Christmas cards out, but I apologise if I've forgotten anyone - our thoughts are with you all.

Finally don't forget it's the Strictly Come Dancing final on Saturday - the remaining three are all fabulous in their own ways so I'm not too bothered about who wins but it's good old fashioned escapism and that's good medicine!

Z xx

2005-12-09T04:00:00.000Z

Before I start, I’d just like to thank everyone who’s been asking after us, it’s been a while since we posted anything here - so apologies for keeping you hanging on, but here’s a brief update.

OK, so no beating around the bush, December’s not been a good month so far, and we’re both hoping it’s going to get a lot better in the run up to the Christmas holidays.

As you know, Zoë was doing fantastically well post-op, and making a good recovery here at home - slowly but surely getting her strength and mobility back. This past week however, she’s been really quite poorly, and we’ve been back and forth to the doctors and in touch with the hospital on several occasions.

Yesterday was probably the worst day. Earlier this week Zoë had been prescribed antibiotics as it was feared an infection was the reason for her downturn; but the nausea they induced reached a new high, and you can probably guess what happened.

Anyway, I don’t want to worry you all unnecessarily, and I’d like to reassure you that although she’s some way from perfect health, Zoë's looking much much brighter this evening than she has all week. (Thankfully the antibiotics proved unnecessary, so she's off those too.)

It’s been very tough though, and our attempts to return to anything like normality have been somewhat thwarted. We’re shattered, as it’s both physically and emotionally draining, so some things - like posting updates to the blog - have had to take a back seat.

Still, I think things are on the up again now, so let’s hope the trend continues, and that our visit to the clinic next week brings more good news.

Matt

2005-11-29T10:27:00.000Z

I'm realising quickly that I mustn't push myself as much as I have been - yesterday I took less pain killers and took a walk. The walk was good but without the pain killers I ended up tired and cranky and feeling horrible.

But the good news is BLUE IS BACK!!! I went downstairs on Monday morning and there he was - 10 days later. Little shit. Of course Berry's nose is totally out of joint having taken on the role of top cat. He'd been a bit lonely but was coping admirably ;o) so now he's hissing and refusing to be in the same room as Blue. He'll get over it. If only they could talk!

Now a certain friend of mine (you know who you are) has her first ever smear test yesterday and complained about how awful it was. Well, yes they ARE awful but it's better to suffer a tiny amount of indignity than lots (combined with pain etc). So girlies MAKE SURE YOU GO. And while I'm in lecture mode, check your boobs as well. And boys your check your bits. It's better to check and not find anything or to find something and get it sorted than stick heads in sand. I was pretty good about getting checked and still ended up like this, but thank God they found it in time.

Ok, time's up. It's rest time now.

Z xxx

2005-11-26T13:40:00.000Z

I'm loving being at home. It's peaceful here and Matt's mum, Lyn has been keeping me company. She and Derek have gone to Pompey this weekend to help Em and Steve move (they've had a stressful time of it too). We've had a lovely quiet few days - I've caught up on Strictly Come Dancing (sequins! yay!) and we've put the world to rights. I'm so lucky with such supportive parents and in-laws!

As far as my brain being fried with daytime TV - it is already fried with the amount of drugs I'm taking. I need them for the pain but they make me feel weird and floaty and I can't think straight. In a way it's probably just as well as one of our cats, Blue is still missing and without the sedation I'd be distraught. As it is I find it hard to do anything other than sit and dribble at the moment!

Hospital was weird - I find it hard to deal with the lack of privacy. I know it's odd given I'm quite open about things but when you're dealing with other people's sounds and smells so openly (like commodes by beds) it's deeply unpleasant. Not their fault by any means just strange.

I really kept to my own ward but I did meet some amazing women. One girl had an ovarian cyst - and had been palmed off by the doctors who said that she was just gaining weight and stuff. Eventually she had a scan and it was diagnosed. There was so much fluid in there that you could hear it slosh. It was removed on Monday and weighed 17 pounds.

What was good about hospital was that we were all in there for the same reason - to try and get well. It didn't matter what stage the cancer was at or what the treatment was, we all had the same goal, and some hope. We all suffered pain and embarrassment and indignity. On Tuesday I cried all day - everything had hit me. It was the first time I'd done that and I needed it. No one said anything like "keep your chin up" or anything - they just understood that it was part of the process. We also found things to laugh about - like when I was so delighted at having my bladder catheter out that the whole ward (if not floor) heard me yell "Thank you!". Or when I had my other catheter removed and there was still a stitch left inside me and the doctors turned up with a huge torch to stry and locate it. You have to see the funny side when you have your legs splayed and a torch shining at you.

I know that recovery will take a while but am rather proud with my progress so far - apparently I have a high pain threshold because everyone was astounded at how little morphine I self administered. I think years of dancing and putting myself throught that sort of pain paid off in the most unexpected way!

Thank you to those of you that have sent cards/emails/blog comments flowers/magazines/books/visited. It really has been appreciated. Matt's printed out things and showed them to me when I was in hospital.

Finally a message for Fools (stop reading if you are not a member of TMF). I think many of you have realised that I'm not posting there any more, and neither is Matt. The events before my operation were extremely hurtful especially as we felt unable to express our side of the story due to pulled posts etc. I don't want to be be exposed to the toxins there right now. Many many of you have been wonderful and supportive and I thank you, but I was shocked at being accused of being attention seeeking and everything else that I had dished out at me. I was also shocked at the rather obvious lack of support from some in the community. I know that things like that are trivial in the bigger picture but for me the Fool has been a big part of my life (after all I wouldn't have met Matt or made some fantastic friends otherwise) and I felt very let down. It's time for me to focus on the people that genuinely care about me and I'll keep in touch with y'all off board. Hugs Z xxxx

2005-11-24T17:01:00.000Z

So I'm home and shouldn't really be posting, but thought I'd say thanks for all your messages and love and good vibes. I feel like a portion of cod - battered. But on the whole I'm pretty good. Being in hospital reminded me that however bad it is there's always someone worse off than you - I'll tell some stories when more up to it.

But I have to say, being at home is wonderful - my own bed and smells and the right amount of quiet. Am going to end up being one of those old ladies (all being well) that refuses to go to hospital.

And I really do have wonderful friends. And I really really did marry a wonderful man. I knew I had good taste, but who was to know just how much I'd need him so soon?

Lots of love

Z xxx

2005-11-24T06:00:00.000Z

In case you’re wondering how she’s doing, you might like to know she’s home tonight. The doctors are amazed at her rapid recovery, so much so that they’ve let her out sooner than anyone thought possible.

Yesterday was not such a great day - I think the events of the past few days finally caught up - but as I write, she’s tucked up in bed and very glad to be home.

I’m afraid that’s just about all I can manage to post, as I’m shattered (again)... Just one final comment - you might like to know that I did find the English ‘Marie Claire’ and took it in to her yesterday!

2005-11-22T07:10:00.000Z

“Could you pick me up a ‘Marie Claire’ on your way?” was the last thing Zoë said to me when I telephoned her from work this afternoon.

I was back in the office today, or as I prefer to see it; making an extended visit on my way in to see Zoë (in order that we can pay the bills).

I’ve seen enough copies of Marie Claire scattered around the house to know pretty well what they look like; however, I couldn’t see a copy anywhere in the newsagents along with the usual women’s magazines. No problem though - I spotted a copy a little further to the right and purchased it.

Once again Zoë looked much better than yesterday, indeed the number of tubes, machines and attached devices are now at an absolute minimum... Believe me, when I first saw her come out of surgery she had just about everything going - but I spared you the details, as I didn’t want to worry anyone unnecessarily.

Shortly after passing the Marie Claire to her, Zoë had a quick thumb through it then started to laugh. I wasn’t too sure what was so funny, but it amused her immensely... Then it dawned on me - I’d purchased the French edition!

It was great to see her laughing though - perhaps I’ll pick up an English-French dictionary on my way in tomorrow.

2005-11-20T04:45:00.000Z

Just a quick post to let you all know that the Zoë we saw at the hospital today was looking a whole lot better the one we saw yesterday.

There’s certainly a marked improvement in the 24 hours or so since surgery, and by all accounts the doctors are very pleased with her progress.

More good news then - here’s hoping that trend continues.

Goodnight all!

2005-11-19T05:00:00.000Z

Talk about a long day! I thought it would never end...

I was in the Marsden shortly after 7am this morning, to be sure I got there in time to meet with the surgeon, and more importantly see Zoë before the surgery.

I’ll spare you the details, because I know you’ll only really interested in one thing, and the good news is that Zoë’s doing fine.

She went down to surgery around 8:45am and came back around 3:45pm (yes, that’s 7 hours pacing - although I freely admit I sat for most of it), and thankfully everything went relatively to plan. ‘Plan A’ that is.

Even better news was that the lymph nodes were clear (actually they had to be for them to go ahead with ‘Plan A’), but that in itself was a great relief - especially as there was one very suspicious looking node showing up on the scans.

When I left tonight Zoë could probably best be described as ‘groggy’ and not especially comfortable, but even in the few hours I spent with her post-op, she was improving noticeably.

All in all then, it’s very good news, but there’s now a bit of a wait for the biopsy results that follow the surgery, and Zoë’s an awful long way from being up and about.

There's a long way to go then, but the news so far is good!

As I said, it was a long day, so excuse the brevity of my post - but I’m shattered.

2005-11-17T17:03:00.000Z

Another weird week, which included me being accused of being attention seeking. For the record there are other ways of getting attention and I would not wish this on anyone. And certainly could do without the attention. I could also do without toxic people but I guess that it's hard to avoid in life.

Yesterday had the trial MRI - involved a probe in my unspeakables (sorry as open as I am I can't bring myself to be that open on the internet!) which took close up pictures of the tumour which means they can properly get the size. Yhe trial bit was a measurement of the chemical make up - they get a line reading through the scanner apparently. Somehow managed to fall asleep - partly because I've been so exhausted and stressed. They were lovely people and so I did feel at ease although it wasn't the most comfortable thing I've had.

Anyway. I'm off to the hospital today and op tommorrow. Matt will post here when he can. Am feeling rather wobbly about it all - partly because of the surgery and partly because I'm not sure what will happen. It's very hard to prepare for an outcome when you don't know what it will be.

Thanks again for all the lovely comments - they really do help. It's nice to feel so loved.

Hugs

Z xxx

2005-11-15T01:29:00.000Z

Not much to add because we're back waiting again - the clock's ticking until my op.

But I wanted to thank some wonderful women for their support - from books and dvds to afternoon tea amd MORE chocolate. I also want to thank Sarah and the Hens for such a fab night on saturday night and making me feel so welcome. It was such a good feeling to let my hair down and get dressed up and have a laugh. And laugh we did.

I've included a couple of pictures from that night, including a great one that Sarah took of me with short(er) hair. And yes I am wearing a paper hat from a cracker - Christmas is coming!+

2005-11-14T17:40:00.000Z

Me with short hair!

2005-11-14T17:39:00.001Z

The Bride

2005-11-14T17:39:00.000Z

The Hens

2005-11-10T05:50:00.000Z

This entry was written before I realized Zoë had already posted today, so there’s quite a lot of repetition in here. Funny though how she can sum it all up in a few short paragraphs, when I seem to go on... And I’m supposed to be the quiet one!

As ardent followers of the blog will know, yesterday we were back in hospital for more tests, and a meeting with the surgeon himself - Mr Ind. (Yes that should be ‘Mister’ and not ‘Doctor’ apparently it distinguishes the surgeons from the doctors.)

We began with an early morning trip to the Royal Brompton hospital where Zoë had to visit the Nuclear Medicine department for an injection of a ‘glow-in-the-dark’ substance that would be used for her bone scan later that day.

Despite this appearing to be a relatively busy department, we were in and out of there in a relatively short space of time, and then off to the Royal Marsden.

Thankfully the Royals (i.e. Brompton and Marsden) are just around the corner from each other, so it was no more than a 10 minute walk between the two. Good news when you consider the relatively tight schedule we were on!

Back in outpatients at the Marsden, after a few minutes waiting, we were ushered into a small room and told Mr Ind would be along to see us shortly. This, now familiar routine (waiting to see someone), is always a little unnerving as you sit there in the clinical surroundings.

Each time it seems to take a little longer for me to come up with some humorous comment about either some strange looking apparatus; the nurse (who yesterday was determined to dissuade us from having a flu-jab, on the basis it all but gave her flu last year); or anything else that springs to mind.

Personally I think I may have peaked when on the last occasion I suggested the device mounted in the room was in fact a periscope used to seek out and destroy Traffic Wardens in the area - but however stupid the suggestion, it matters not what is said if it raises a smile on Zoë’s face.

Mr Ind came in and told us again about the plans for next week's surgery. This was basically a recap of the news we’d been told last week by other members of his team, but this time from the man himself. Despite the repetition, it was good to hear again, as we’re bombarded by so much information every time we visit that it sometimes takes a while to sink in.

The only downside to us seemed that he was a little more sceptical about the likely success of the particular surgery - but in a strange way it’s actually reassuring that he’s open about all possibilities rather than raising expectations too high. At least we’re aware that there’s always a chance ‘Plan B’ will come into play.

After this it was down to the basement to Day Surgery where Zoë had her pre-op examinations. All fairly standard stuff really - height, weight, pulse and blood pressure and then a chat with another doctor.

Next we were off for another x-ray and then there was just enough time for a quick bite to eat in the canteen before heading back to the Brompton where the David Bailey of the Nuclear Medicine team was awaiting Zoë for her close-up.

A busy day then, but we got a lot done in a relatively short space of time. Mr Ind has requested one final test before the surgery; some sort of new MRI scan which she’ll be undertaking as part of a clinical trial. We’ve no problem with that though - the more information the surgeon has the better, it can only be a good thing!

2005-11-10T00:46:00.000Z

I forgot to mention that in a rather random moment last week I saw the queen. Was just wondering into Kingston minding my own business when I was diverted by police to the other side of the road and suddenly there she was looking like a rather elegant Ribena berry.

Matt and I are still suffering from this cold and so it was rather miserable to have to head up to the hospital for MORE tests. We had to go to the Brompton for my injection and then to the Marsden and then back to the Brompton for my scan.

Saw my surgeon - he's more pessimistic than the other doctor last week as my tumour is quite big but he's keeping an open mind, just preparing us for the worst I think. Have to have ANOTHER scan next week in Sutton - it's part of a trial so not only will it help me, but also hopefully help other people - animal testing, but I'm the animal!

Then I had to be checked over in readiness for my op - not easy with this stinking cold and other things, which made my blood pressure drop to something so low that the nurse commented on it (90 something over 80 something I think).

So we got home absolutely shattered. But something that we have both commented on is how nice it is to have these outings. I have decided that all my singleton friends should consider their future partners with the hospital test. If you know that he/she will come with you and sit quietly and hold your hand and not worry if you don't want to talk for hours on end, or will make you laugh when you need it then they are the one. If you can't see that happening. Forget it. Harsh but fair.

You probably don't know this, but when I'm writing these posts I generally have at least one cat in the room. Either just being a cat somewhere, or on my lap, or standing on the desk, or on the keyboard. They are being very cute and protective of me at the moment.

So I've added some random cuteness because everyone needs to look at kittens once in a while (except Col, who can keep his thoughts to himself!!). These are Blue and Berry before we adopted them. I'll post some current ones at another time!